how are you? really?

[RedHotRage]

I feel good. I love life, a lot. I love waking up and existing, love my body and my instincts.

Ik a lot of people here feel depressed, but in my case, I'm just super impulsive. One day I'll end it.

 

[Free_me]

Just turned another birthday thinking things were better only to realize the only friend you have has been pushing away from you and I have no power to stop it. Oh well, it shouldn't be all on this person anyway, they have their own struggles on life and I think they found other people to fill the time id usually waste and make worse with my existence. I had a few good years but this chapter is closing, I can feel it and it feels horrible.

Back to being alone, I'm unfortunately still here but I don't know how long I can continue by myself. Every decision in my personal life dealing with friends, family or romantic relationships has been a misstep or a wrong decision and I don't think I'm capable of making the right one, ever.

tl;dr still here but not good

 

[ChronicallyCynical]

In pain, and still tired, I need to get stuff done, but... how to put it. I should be able to. Absolutely. I just can't...? Deadlines are looming. Makes the pain worse.

 

[sorrytosay]

Yes please, that would be helpful..

i'm sorry i took so long. i had to take a break. doing stuff, relationships like that are nothing but pain. if he lost feelings for you, you need to move on. i promise you there is someone out there who would never do this to you. hearts change, i just wish he'd have told you that sooner. please take this into consideration if you haven't already. i know you're hurting, i know. but it will hurt worse later when you beg him to stay and force him into a relationship he doesn't want to be in. i'm not saying you'd do this, but desperation to keep someone in your life can do huge things. i'm sorry.

 

[Uk2023]

tell me about yourself, stranger.

I'm at a real low

Don't want to live.

Can't accept or find it appealing to be alone or with people and feel alone.

Nothing balances out… I'm bored.

I feel like a slave in all things

 

[I8meself]

Im so foking heartbroken i cant stop crying and i just want it to stop. i hate myself so much

 

[ChangeWaiter]

Today I might have reached a new lowest point. I wasn't able to do almost anything. My partner assigned me to do some laundry and it took me almost the whole day to start doing it. My energy is super low due to depression. It's been a spiral downwards for about a month now, I wonder how low it will get. I want to say I don't care anymore, but you know how the brain is, a few minutes later I'll feel like caring again, have some hope and disappointment. I sometimes don't know how much of that is in my head. Well, all of it, obviously, our head is where it all comes from. I keep making choices, that make me suffer even more. My mum agreed to take care of me once I get there end of the month, but I know I'll be a huge burden on her, and it makes me feel extra guilty, but I can't bring myself to do anything about it. If only I could have control over my actions, but my brain keeps sabotaging itself. I oftentimes know the right thing to do to feel better, but I get stuck on trying to force myself to make the first moves. Or I would do the first move and the forget where I was going with it, my brain is so foggy due to depression and inactivity. Last night my brain decided to remind me if yet another thing my mania destroyed for me, something I really cared about. I was on top of the game just about a year ago. Can you believe that? All gone due to a long lasting manic episode or schizophrenia or whatever it was, I couldn't get the diagnosis this time just yet. My mental illness f* up my life 17 years ago and for that long I thought I'm healed or something, but then it f* it all up once again and I think I'm even lower now than before, because plus being older with less rebound options. It sucks, I was long afraid I'll be in this state again and there I am.
I'm just observing it all getting worse by day, or by week, cause some days are better than others. My mind keeps trying to come up with narratives on how it's all happening for a good reason, but these narratives don't really help, maybe the opposite, since I'm less prone to activly countering it, I just keep accepting "fate" and hence keep choosing the misery. I must be very grateful to not having to go through it alone, but my partner won't stick around much longer too, I don't even know why she's still here, I'm such a downer. She's trying to help, but her resources are also scarce, I'm in one of the poorer countries rn, where I can't even just go to therapy. Why am I going through all this? Am I being punished? Ok, then keep the punishment coming, I just hope it will be over soon and not too many people in my surroundings get messed up along the way. I'm ok to accept my own suffering for as long as I need, if it didn't affect others. But it does though!

 

[shincyroneko]

I'm physically and mentally exhausted. Everything seems like a chore even sleep is draining my energy. I don't have a friend who can help me out of my situation. it's mostly my fault for not being responsible for everything that I do and I say. Now things just got worse and worse and worse and there's nothing I can do to fix my situation.

 

[jujujr]

Ive always acted happy, pretended to be okay. Now? It's gotten worse, I act so fuckin tough and scream and flex my disgusting body to myself after each workout i just want to tear it apart. I have a handful of people i can talk to but they won't understand how much pain im in mentally, they think i'm working on myself physically to get better but in all honesty i just want to tear myself apart, and maybe look good while doing so. i hate everything about me, all the things i've done, i wanna ctb everyday and hope this workout will hospitalise me or this will break my spine or i get fucked beyond repair. people think ive gotten better? but i've just sunk deeper, feeling like i've gone mad

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'm doing awful. I don't have the courage to say more

 

[sserafim]

tell me about yourself, stranger.

Done with life

 

[scared:bug]

weird. up and down. not sure what to do. not sure what to feel. low energy. furious guilt. ego explosion.
tired of how things are. tired tired. no energy to change. things feel pointless. but also hopeful. i can recognise the change. i can recognise that i have changed and life has changed and should also be able to recognise that life will change... but alas.
occupied with my thoughts. stuck in the mind. stuck in the emotion. feeling weird when looking out from my eyes. what a weird feeling.
sad. not sure what i should do. lonely but know it is by choice.
know i have to let go. not sure what let go means.
know i have to give up. not in a bad way. i know i have to give up on my thoughts and this way of life. not sure what the other way is. strong feeling that something else is behind that door. im not sure i am correct. but it is a little bit of hope.
i recognise that i want things to be different. i hear that i need to accept what is. restisting not good. leaning into it is good. im not sure how to do that. there is much darkness. sadness. guilt. bad person bad person bad person. i am a bad person, i am certain.
can i live with being a bad person?
how can i accept people being in my life after i hurt them. i need to give people the option to chose. but what about when they chose to stay?
and knowing that this circle of guilt and shame and hatred and anger is bad for the people around. but still continuing it. no idea how to stop it. wasting everybodys time.
waking up, doing my day. end of day - why do i always feel so bad? why always, why every day. i dont have many good memories. i dont want things to be that way. i want to be happy. i want to be ok with myself. sometimes i force it. or maybe thats just my perspective right now. im not sure.
its all very messy.
dont know where to go. dont know what to do. everything feels wrong. i feel wrong. i am not sure there is an "i". i dont know if i exist. i know that i pretend.

 

[Heading to Darkness]

tell me about yourself, stranger.

well most of me is holding well and counting down to my ctb day, but I'm struggling with night terrors, and some deep down anger is starting to creep in and make me do things i would regret so every day is a bit of a battle but i look forward to the darkness at the end

 

[Seered Doom]

I feel really shit recently. Between drama bs in another group I'm in and my emotions going haywire on top of an unstable attachment to others where I feel like I have to act out, I don't know what to do

 

[Vesiira]

tell me about yourself, stranger.

not good at all. it feels like everything just gets worse. my physical and mental health. everything around me. i just keep feeling so much pain and hurt. no one around me knows how close i am to CTB. i've been thinking about it the most i have in awhile. i have been deluding myself. sad that i can't tell anyone in real life, but at least i can tell y'all.

 

[cetacea]

I feel a lot of guilt and anxiety. My lover made me promise not to look at this site and not only did I look at it, I signed up for it and am now participating in it. I feel so guilty that I could hardly sleep last night and when I did I had a nightmare.

 

[flower_g1rl]

on a mood swing all day 2day, feels nice for a change = get 2 feel happy, hopeful

 

[higherthanthesun]

I keep trying to wrap my head around the fact that if I don't take my meds i'll CTB.

It's a scary thought and I don't know how i'm going to cope with it the rest of my life.

 

[until death]

I want to die

 

[Rhizomorph1]

coming down off of meth.

I won't say don't do drugs cause that rhetoric is dead and useless. But like, be careful out there. Twas my first time doing it and I finally realized I am a high functioning poly-substance addict. I can't be trusted anymore so I'm setting up an accountability partner and burning my access to the dark net.

On the bright side today could be the beginning of my recovery arc (from both drugs and suicide)

Let the comedown begin...

 

[Aim]

I am not doing well, unbearable sadness and anxiety. I just wish i could just have one day of feeling just a tiny bit better. Just a litle bit better.

 

[IHurtTheOneILove]

tell me about yourself, stranger.

I've never been this miserable before. I traumatized my ex by cheating on them (kissed another girl, asked to hu, asked for nudes all at once) and attempting to CTB (they found me). They said they will never be the same person they were during our relationship and knowing I created such a horrible change makes me want to CTB so bad.

 

[leloyon]

feel like the usual kinda shit tbh

 

[Rouge4000]

tell me about yourself, stranger.

I'm a good person. I try to be good to everyone bc I know what it is to be a piece of shit bc I was once a piece of shit. But now I want to ctb bc being a good person has done nothing but destroy my life honestly I think it's karma

 

[zeldalover]

I'm going to fucking kill myself, I hope everyone else had a much better holiday and has a better year. Lord knows you guys deserve it more than I ever could.

 

[Rhizomorph1]

I am not doing well, unbearable sadness and anxiety. I just wish i could just have one day of feeling just a tiny bit better. Just a litle bit better.

What's causing the sadness and anxiety? (If anything)?

 

[Aim]

What's causing the sadness and anxiety? (If anything)?

To much to tell, but thank you for asking.

 

[ctvunny]

Being vulnerable is still hard for me. I dont know how many times I typed my problems here, just to end up deleting it. But I do still feel the same. Most days, I want to continue along with my plan but some days I like to give it a try at least hold on till March and see...see what? I couldnt shake away this feeling of hopefulness in me and it sucks to fool myself with it. Theres tons of "what ifs" but its clear at what path my road would lead. I just wish an easy and painless death is accessible so I dont have to bear with this any longer.

 

[Light Dreamer]

I am ok. Some strange stuff happened recently that changed my mind and these days I'm actually hopeful for the future. Its not much to look forward to but its something

 

[jemetire]

I'm really worried one of my friends on sasu ctb'd

I'm so sorry, now I'm really worried you ctb'd