Yep, loose ends I can't help but feel I HAVE to tie up. Really, the main reasons to still be here. As well as fear (unfortunately), like of going out in my own home lest I failed or wasn't thorough enough and can be revived, and thus a need to go out, physically as far as possible. But have to tie things up, try to avoid hurting others as much as possible... Though, as I write it...
Just been hating the inability to just be able to take N and go out truly peacefully... But, so, I have to wait... I don't WANT anything, so even food, entertainment... You name it, I don't want it. I could be good to go RIGHT NOW, if not for the social sate of things involving suicide. I'd have to be terminally ill and older. Cuz a 1/3 of a century isn't "enough". Cuz actually getting to feel like I LIVED, loved, gave, received, plenty ups and downs... This "can't be enough to be DONE" is what I'm told... Not wanting MORE just HAS to be a problem... Lol which I get. Statistically even. Fuck it, I already said elsewhere - I'm a freaking mental health counselor myself. I know a thing or two about psychology and our brains...
But I'm just struggling to both wait, and to feel ok will setting a date. I have already decided on a likely timeframe, but it WOULD be amazing to get a date set. All the final pieces really. I SO wish for it. But wish I wasn't capable of guilt, of feeling bad for others, of thinking of what can be thought and said afterward.
The fact that my whole plan unfortunately ended up as a long process, lol tho knowing I could literally reach over THIS SECOND... It's so tough to feel the need to continue around for others. Likely some acting, some lying. Again, knowing, likely I won't/shouldn't try to freaking shoot myself in my home. Too scared to "miss" enough to live. Lol even with 3in 00 buckshot already in my possession...
But I have clients to refer away. Spend time to try to hopefully make sure they don't even learn I ctb as long as I don't end up on the news. I've given family plenty of chance to connect. Mom and sis did hear enough of my mindset to end up fearing and simply staying away, I guess to protect themselves. And I'm still scared of wellness checking due to this plan of waiting some time. CAN'T have my ability to choose taken away... So yeah, I just end up freaking waiting, which I guess is why I'm here typing...
