Venting how am i supposed to heal when i enjoy suffering???!

[dinosavr]

I don't know if I'm that much of an attention seeker or if I'm just pathetic but I'm actually a little excited (?) to tell my therapist tomorrow that I had a serious breakdown and that my suicidal ideation is back. I feel like I want to tell her about it more than I did when I was telling her I started to get more positive and productive. It feels more interesting and more "mine". I like the idea of me sitting in her office in my sweatpants and with swollen eyes a lot more than me wearing makeup and a skirt or something.
Also, recently she came up with the hypothesis that I might be neurodivergent and I truly want myself to be diagnosed. I guess that's simply because I want to find the reason for my problems. But with the rest, I'm not sure if it's related to the same issue.. Shouldn't I want what's best for me? Why do I want to be hurt? Why do I want to starve? Why do I want to be insulted? Why do I want to cry? Why do I want to have my meds dosage increased? Why do I want to be forced into a psych ward? Why do I feel the need to see myself bleed? Why do I find it satisfying to wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to fall back to sleep? Why do I enjoy feeling weak and dizzy? Why do I want to break a bone or get a fat lip or cut myself? Why do I want to get drunk until I pass out? Why do I want to fucking die so much?
And do I really want all that? Because most of the above I'm able to achieve pretty easily and yet I hardly ever do that. Why? Am I fooling myself? or?????????? I don't know. I just don't fucking know!!!!!!!! !! And I'm incredibly tired of NOT KNOWING anything. I'm just a giant walking question mark) Even this post has been written for, I don't know, some kind of attention or "me too"s. I hate not understanding why I feel how I feel and what is it what I think about. I've spent last year trying to google and figure it all out but the more I try to find answers, the more questions I have. Never ending story

Sorry for the vent, I don't expect actual answers obviously. I know this is probably just how most brains work except other people aren't as bothered by it and they didn't come up with the idea of suicide so that's the only difference. Life is brutal and I have a hard time understanding and accepting why on earth we are forced to fucking breathe until we stop breathing ———-END SCENE thanks

 

[SmallKoy]

I wont say I feel exactly like this, but I understand what you mean. I have had this problem where I don't have a desire to get better, only to get worse. I think we naturally desire attention as humans but I noticed that many suicidal people or people with mental health problems have the desire to "be seen." I wonder if we feel like we have to be worse and worse just so that maybe someone will finally take notice. That's what I've thought, but I could be wrong. I'm not entirely sure for my own case.

 

[Ash’Girl]

I have a couple questions, and none of them are to judge.

Do you enjoy suffering or is just familiar? Sometimes even things that cause us a lot of harm/damage are in some warped ways comforting because we're used to them, we don't know who we are without them, and change is fucking terrifying because it's unknown.

I think (for me, especially when I was younger) my mental illnesses, personality disorder and trauma were almost like my identity. Who am I without all this seemingly fucked up shit? If I don't have that, what do I amount to, what's left? And it all gets tangled up.

No idea how to unravel it to be honest but BPD (which is my diagnosis) can come with really unstable sense of self. I think in some secret part of my brain i would never admit to myself i thought it was about the only thing that ever made me remotely interesting or special, even though it has always gone hand in hand with a shit load of pain.

You gave a lot of honesty in your post so I figured I'd do the same. ;)

I get a lot of where you're coming from even though it's probably been about a decade since i actively had similar recurring thoughts.

 

[Redleaf1992]

I understand where you're coming from. When I'm in my cycle of feeling better/good I dislike it and want to feel depressed n suicidal again. It's self destructive and I don't know why I do it. I also feel similar to you in many ways that I worry I do it for attention…despite that I never tell anyone how I'm feeling. Which makes no sense lol.

 

[dinosavr]

I understand where you're coming from. When I'm in my cycle of feeling better/good I dislike it and want to feel depressed n suicidal again. It's self destructive and I don't know why I do it. I also feel similar to you in many ways that I worry I do it for attention…despite that I never tell anyone how I'm feeling. Which makes no sense lol.

Exactly! Like why would I do it for attention when there's no attention at all because no one knows, I keep lying to them…

I have a couple questions, and none of them are to judge.

Do you enjoy suffering or is just familiar? Sometimes even things that cause us a lot of harm/damage are in some warped ways comforting because we're used to them, we don't know who we are without them, and change is fucking terrifying because it's unknown.

I think (for me, especially when I was younger) my mental illnesses, personality disorder and trauma were almost like my identity. Who am I without all this seemingly fucked up shit? If I don't have that, what do I amount to, what's left? And it all gets tangled up.

No idea how to unravel it to be honest but BPD (which is my diagnosis) can come with really unstable sense of self. I think in some secret part of my brain i would never admit to myself i thought it was about the only thing that ever made me remotely interesting or special, even though it has always gone hand in hand with a shit load of pain.

You gave a lot of honesty in your post so I figured I'd do the same. ;)

I get a lot of where you're coming from even though it's probably been about a decade since i actively had similar recurring thoughts.

There are some things that are self destructive and not familiar at all so I'm not sure that's what it is

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Suffering can be comforting and can make your issues feel valid, which is why we enjoy it. This enjoyment is only worsened when suffering is used as a tool to further harm ourselves out of self-hatred. It also doesn't help that a lot of online spaces seem to get off on suffering and romanticize it. You can only come to stop wanting to suffer after you get to the point where you finally come to terms with the fact that you are just making things worse for yourself, and even then, you'll still have the urge to go back to that suffering because it's familiar and comforting. Learning to heal is a slow journey that involves becoming more familiar with and learning to take comfort in taking care of yourself, instead of taking comfort in suffering. It's basically just one long uphill battle.