pink_ladybug
Suicide seems to me the greatest kind of freedom
- Jul 18, 2024
- 2
Hi everyone, i'm new here.
I have suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember. I'm 27 years old, and I am a failure.
I am a compulsive liar. I have lied to everyone in my life. Almost everything everyone knows about me is wrong. I can never be fully myself.
I have lied since I was a child. No matter how much I try to stop, I am not able to. I have told so many horrible lies, you wouldn't even believe it. I've thought about it a lot, I think I like the attention and pity I get from the lies. I like that people take care of me because they see me as this little fragile child. But it's all a lie. And sometimes, I lie so much that even I start to believe my own lies. It's horrible.
And there is no way out. I've lied too much. If I were to tell people around me, I would lose everyone. I then would really have nothing to live for. I am way too ashamed to seek help from a professional. The lies I've told are so horrible. I'm an horrible person. I am taking way too much time of people's lives by wanting attention, for things that aren't even real!!! I've seen a therapist for 3 years now, I love her but all I can say is lies. I love the look she gives me, so much caring. But they shouldn't care. Everything's false. She wonders why I am not able to get better. Maybe it's because I hate myself so much for lying. I have the impression that I could be happy only if the lies weren't there anymore. But that is impossible. I mean, yes it is but I'd have no one. Everyone would leave. Maybe it'd be easier to kill myself then, idk.
Why am I like this. I feel like I've tried everything without completely shatters my life into tiny pieces. Sure I could leave and move away, start fresh from somewhere else. I've thought about it. But it seems hard and I wouldn't want them to find me.
One of the reason I am ambivalent about ctb is that I know I have a lot of people around me who loves me who would be devastated if I killed myself. But they don't understand how much their life would be better off without me. Sometimes people say that and it's just a feeling they have, for me it's real. Their lives would be so much better without me! I wouldn't tell them lies 24/7. They wouldn't care for someone who doesn't deserve it. Because I don't deserve it. I think after murderers and rapists/abusers..., I am the most horrible person on the planet.
I've wrote my will. Not sure about the method I will use yet, I really don't want to fail this. My biggest fear is waking up after the attempt.
I'd rent a hotel room and do it there so that none of my family finds me.
Writing all of this to people who won't judge feels good.
Thanks.
I have suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember. I'm 27 years old, and I am a failure.
I am a compulsive liar. I have lied to everyone in my life. Almost everything everyone knows about me is wrong. I can never be fully myself.
I have lied since I was a child. No matter how much I try to stop, I am not able to. I have told so many horrible lies, you wouldn't even believe it. I've thought about it a lot, I think I like the attention and pity I get from the lies. I like that people take care of me because they see me as this little fragile child. But it's all a lie. And sometimes, I lie so much that even I start to believe my own lies. It's horrible.
And there is no way out. I've lied too much. If I were to tell people around me, I would lose everyone. I then would really have nothing to live for. I am way too ashamed to seek help from a professional. The lies I've told are so horrible. I'm an horrible person. I am taking way too much time of people's lives by wanting attention, for things that aren't even real!!! I've seen a therapist for 3 years now, I love her but all I can say is lies. I love the look she gives me, so much caring. But they shouldn't care. Everything's false. She wonders why I am not able to get better. Maybe it's because I hate myself so much for lying. I have the impression that I could be happy only if the lies weren't there anymore. But that is impossible. I mean, yes it is but I'd have no one. Everyone would leave. Maybe it'd be easier to kill myself then, idk.
Why am I like this. I feel like I've tried everything without completely shatters my life into tiny pieces. Sure I could leave and move away, start fresh from somewhere else. I've thought about it. But it seems hard and I wouldn't want them to find me.
One of the reason I am ambivalent about ctb is that I know I have a lot of people around me who loves me who would be devastated if I killed myself. But they don't understand how much their life would be better off without me. Sometimes people say that and it's just a feeling they have, for me it's real. Their lives would be so much better without me! I wouldn't tell them lies 24/7. They wouldn't care for someone who doesn't deserve it. Because I don't deserve it. I think after murderers and rapists/abusers..., I am the most horrible person on the planet.
I've wrote my will. Not sure about the method I will use yet, I really don't want to fail this. My biggest fear is waking up after the attempt.
I'd rent a hotel room and do it there so that none of my family finds me.
Writing all of this to people who won't judge feels good.
Thanks.
