JussinLOV
Member
- Jun 28, 2023
- 11
Hello everyone, I guess now that I have my stuff in order, my note written, and a few hours before people find me I can finally move on! If you have time and care, please give this little blog a read!
As with everyone here, I've been thinking about suicide ever since I was a kid. I guess my strongest memory is trying to stop my mom from killing herself during an episode. Since then, it's been a valid option in my life. It's horrific! Every time I receive bad news, every time I do something hurtful to others, every time I even perceive myself in the mirror I am aware of this feeling of hopelessness that seems never-ending. Even now, I am crying because I think I slighted my roommate. After all, my head is so far up my ass about this. It's terrible
I hate how suicide (specifically my own) has control over my life. Every waking minute I spend with people, I spend with the thoughts in tandem. The small accomplishment I have throughout the day is destroyed by my self loathing. I can't even enjoy the final years with my father because all I do is imagine how shattered I will feel if he goes.
This has stunted me socially and emotionally in ways I never thought possible. I cannot learn from my mistakes because nothing I do feels real anymore. I hurt someone kind the other day because of this. It extends to my loved ones as well. This has stunted me socially and emotionally in ways I never thought possible. I cannot learn from my mistakes because nothing I do feels real anymore. I hurt someone kind the other day because of this. It extends to my loved ones as well. Those around me can sense that something isn't right. My friends' concern has become tinged with skepticism over time. Sometimes, it seems like everyone is just waiting for something bad to happen.
It sucks that people expect you to die. It sucks that the bar has been dropped so low that they're just happy to see you. It sucks that I've burdened them with this for so long
Suicide has always been my scapegoat. I've made numerous attempts this year to end my life and yet I still can't do it. Logically, my parents would be devastated, my family divided, and my friends might resent me for this. I suppose I've been selfish until now. I hope they can find it in their hearts to forgive me.
To anyone still reading this, I am sorry you're on this site too. Know that things can have the possibility to change when you let them. I suppose I've simply chosen to stop improving myself.
I might leave it to tomorrow night since I should say bye to people irl. To be honest I am so scared about this. The last time I got this close it was surreal and I just really wanted a hug from my dad. Now I feel more prepared.
Take care
As with everyone here, I've been thinking about suicide ever since I was a kid. I guess my strongest memory is trying to stop my mom from killing herself during an episode. Since then, it's been a valid option in my life. It's horrific! Every time I receive bad news, every time I do something hurtful to others, every time I even perceive myself in the mirror I am aware of this feeling of hopelessness that seems never-ending. Even now, I am crying because I think I slighted my roommate. After all, my head is so far up my ass about this. It's terrible
I hate how suicide (specifically my own) has control over my life. Every waking minute I spend with people, I spend with the thoughts in tandem. The small accomplishment I have throughout the day is destroyed by my self loathing. I can't even enjoy the final years with my father because all I do is imagine how shattered I will feel if he goes.
This has stunted me socially and emotionally in ways I never thought possible. I cannot learn from my mistakes because nothing I do feels real anymore. I hurt someone kind the other day because of this. It extends to my loved ones as well. This has stunted me socially and emotionally in ways I never thought possible. I cannot learn from my mistakes because nothing I do feels real anymore. I hurt someone kind the other day because of this. It extends to my loved ones as well. Those around me can sense that something isn't right. My friends' concern has become tinged with skepticism over time. Sometimes, it seems like everyone is just waiting for something bad to happen.
It sucks that people expect you to die. It sucks that the bar has been dropped so low that they're just happy to see you. It sucks that I've burdened them with this for so long
Suicide has always been my scapegoat. I've made numerous attempts this year to end my life and yet I still can't do it. Logically, my parents would be devastated, my family divided, and my friends might resent me for this. I suppose I've been selfish until now. I hope they can find it in their hearts to forgive me.
To anyone still reading this, I am sorry you're on this site too. Know that things can have the possibility to change when you let them. I suppose I've simply chosen to stop improving myself.
I might leave it to tomorrow night since I should say bye to people irl. To be honest I am so scared about this. The last time I got this close it was surreal and I just really wanted a hug from my dad. Now I feel more prepared.
Take care
