Hopefully some of my last thoughts

[IwanttodieASAP]

I am sure I am not the only one to try to say goodbye multiple times on here, maybe cryptically to our friends and family, hoping it will the end. Hoping we will find peace in leaving all this pain behind. And then you look back one dah and see you are just in this pattern of trying to leave and never succeeding. We live as if we do not want to be alive. We are not social, we avoid responsivities, we distance ourselves from everything, hoping it will hurt people less when we are gone.

I find myself in this endless loop. It drives me crazy. Its like I have all the ideation, and yet none of the gumption. My mind knows what it wants, but it can not get my body to follow its lead. With each day passing, my world falls further part because I choice to maintain nothing in my life under the belief I will be gone before any of it matters or catches up to me. I am in credit card debt, I have a negative balance in the bank, I am being charged with a DUI after my last attempt failed.

I cannot feel bad for myself and I am not asking for anyone else to. Obviously I led myself to this point. I could of not overdosed, I could of choose not to drink, I could of chosen to pull the trigger instead of choosing to drive and flip my car. I could choose to stand back up right now and deal with everything head on and take back my life. But I do not want to. I lost the person who made me the happiest man on the planet, I lost the prettiest girl my eyes have ever laid on. I lost the world I wanted, the world I was building, we were building, all because I did not have my priorities in line. I do not to hear any of the bull crap that they preach at you after you break up. I have heard it all for over 4 months, every single day. I simply do not want to go on without her. I am not saying that I could never be happier, I am not saying I could never experience anything better. All I am saying is that, I experienced a euphoria with her over two years that made me a better man, made me happier then I knew possible. I do not want to ever top her, I simply do not need to. I am content with what I got out of life and while I wish with all my heart, I could still have her by my side, I am content with leaving now.

The hard part as I said above, is convicting myself to go. Our bodies are meant to survive against all odds. Last night I was crying because I was still here. I cry every single day that I can not find a way to escape and feel peace. As I was crying though, I realized that telling yourself you are looking for a method, waiting for a time, etc. , its all your mind distracting you and holding you back even though you think you are trying. Yes some of us are lucky; some of us get sodium nitrite, some of us are even luckier with Nembutal. Some get to use helium, others a firearm, believe me, there are a lot of us here that envy you. But no matter how you go, you are choosing death. You are choosing the unknown over the known. Even though we all hope there is peace on the other side of consciousness, there is no peace in trying to get there. I guess the point I am trying to make is that, no matter how hard you look for a calming way to go, dot your I's and cross your T'a, the resistance of leaving life will hit you one way or another. So maybe instead of dedicating so much time to finding the exact perfect way that does not exist, lets embrace the fight. I want to go peacefully not it is not going to be an option, and for many of you, you are in the same boat. If you want to leave, escape this hell, is not any means worth it? So you suffer a little longer to get out, so you are in pain unimaginable for a time, but then you get what you want!

Do what you have to, I am not telling anyone that ctb is the right way. In fact, I think for most people, it is not. I think most people are built to go with the blind flow of the crowd and be happy some days and sad others. It seems to get billion of people through everyday, with only a dew fighting against the rules of life. But here is the truth, here is your options; submit to life, go about its means and ways and most likely you will not have a terrible one. Sure there will be pain at times, but the mind has a way of making small good things, seem a lot bigger. But if you are in the boat with me. if you have no interest in submitting to the rules of life that we had no say in picking, then know it will not be easy. Know if you want to go, there will never be avenue without an excuse to stay another night. either you hate life and never leave it, which only makes you resent the world more, or you go for it. experience pain like no other as you exit, but know the peace you are seeking is on the other side.

At the very least I hope this is true for me. I hope I am willing to do whatever it takes to leave this world behind. I lost my gun, I have no money to buy any resources, So I guess partial hanging or jumping will be the way I need to find my peace. I have been trying night night for a but now but cannot seem to find success in that. Wish me luck!

 

[locked*n*loaded]

With all you said, some methods are better than others, at least as far pain is concerned. I'm sorry you lost your girl who made your life better for living, and who made you a better person. I lost someone like that and it took me better than 3 years to get on with my life. It was everything I could do to drag myself into work each day. I really didn't do anything else during that time. Work, eat, sleep, shit. All I could do was go through the motions until things got better. It's true that if one wants/needs to check out that badly, then, really, any method is going to suffice. And we know that many a person has resorted to drastic measures to ctb. I guess what we're willing to do is directly proportional to the pain we're in. I hope you find your peace, whether it is through death, or even time. You're going to have to be the one to decide how much you're capable of going through, or if you're not. Peace and luck to you.

Just know that if it helps you at all, you can sound off on here for the next month, three months, year, or three years if you want and we will always have an ear for you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do believe that unfortunately only those who are very lucky die a peaceful suicide. For many leaving this world was likely such a painful and difficult act to complete but of course they managed to succeed and free themselves from a life not worth enduring. At least to me some kind of horrific dying process is nowhere near as agonising as dealing with potentially more decades of suffering, but as we all know suicide certainly can come with complications, in both the planning and risks involved.
The fear of failing ctb terrifies me but after all the option is always there to leave and it's always possible even if it's a struggle which it certainly does feel like to me. I so wish I had N, I would already be gone if I did, but a peaceful death simply isn't the reality for so many of us. It does sound like you have endured a lot, so I do hope that you find freedom from your endless suffering.

 

[Nirrend]

I am sure I am not the only one to try to say goodbye multiple times on here, maybe cryptically to our friends and family, hoping it will the end. Hoping we will find peace in leaving all this pain behind. And then you look back one dah and see you are just in this pattern of trying to leave and never succeeding. We live as if we do not want to be alive. We are not social, we avoid responsivities, we distance ourselves from everything, hoping it will hurt people less when we are gone.

I find myself in this endless loop. It drives me crazy. Its like I have all the ideation, and yet none of the gumption. My mind knows what it wants, but it can not get my body to follow its lead. With each day passing, my world falls further part because I choice to maintain nothing in my life under the belief I will be gone before any of it matters or catches up to me. I am in credit card debt, I have a negative balance in the bank, I am being charged with a DUI after my last attempt failed.

I cannot feel bad for myself and I am not asking for anyone else to. Obviously I led myself to this point. I could of not overdosed, I could of choose not to drink, I could of chosen to pull the trigger instead of choosing to drive and flip my car. I could choose to stand back up right now and deal with everything head on and take back my life. But I do not want to. I lost the person who made me the happiest man on the planet, I lost the prettiest girl my eyes have ever laid on. I lost the world I wanted, the world I was building, we were building, all because I did not have my priorities in line. I do not to hear any of the bull crap that they preach at you after you break up. I have heard it all for over 4 months, every single day. I simply do not want to go on without her. I am not saying that I could never be happier, I am not saying I could never experience anything better. All I am saying is that, I experienced a euphoria with her over two years that made me a better man, made me happier then I knew possible. I do not want to ever top her, I simply do not need to. I am content with what I got out of life and while I wish with all my heart, I could still have her by my side, I am content with leaving now.

The hard part as I said above, is convicting myself to go. Our bodies are meant to survive against all odds. Last night I was crying because I was still here. I cry every single day that I can not find a way to escape and feel peace. As I was crying though, I realized that telling yourself you are looking for a method, waiting for a time, etc. , its all your mind distracting you and holding you back even though you think you are trying. Yes some of us are lucky; some of us get sodium nitrite, some of us are even luckier with Nembutal. Some get to use helium, others a firearm, believe me, there are a lot of us here that envy you. But no matter how you go, you are choosing death. You are choosing the unknown over the known. Even though we all hope there is peace on the other side of consciousness, there is no peace in trying to get there. I guess the point I am trying to make is that, no matter how hard you look for a calming way to go, dot your I's and cross your T'a, the resistance of leaving life will hit you one way or another. So maybe instead of dedicating so much time to finding the exact perfect way that does not exist, lets embrace the fight. I want to go peacefully not it is not going to be an option, and for many of you, you are in the same boat. If you want to leave, escape this hell, is not any means worth it? So you suffer a little longer to get out, so you are in pain unimaginable for a time, but then you get what you want!

Do what you have to, I am not telling anyone that ctb is the right way. In fact, I think for most people, it is not. I think most people are built to go with the blind flow of the crowd and be happy some days and sad others. It seems to get billion of people through everyday, with only a dew fighting against the rules of life. But here is the truth, here is your options; submit to life, go about its means and ways and most likely you will not have a terrible one. Sure there will be pain at times, but the mind has a way of making small good things, seem a lot bigger. But if you are in the boat with me. if you have no interest in submitting to the rules of life that we had no say in picking, then know it will not be easy. Know if you want to go, there will never be avenue without an excuse to stay another night. either you hate life and never leave it, which only makes you resent the world more, or you go for it. experience pain like no other as you exit, but know the peace you are seeking is on the other side.

At the very least I hope this is true for me. I hope I am willing to do whatever it takes to leave this world behind. I lost my gun, I have no money to buy any resources, So I guess partial hanging or jumping will be the way I need to find my peace. I have been trying night night for a but now but cannot seem to find success in that. Wish me luck!

Hi sweet @IwanttodieASAP

I'm deeply sorry to see you in such pain ❤

When I read you, I feel all the distress, the impasse you are in, the worry, the grief, the anger, the loneliness, the injustice....

I am so sorry this is heartbreaking to read.... ❤

I can understand, reading you, that you don't believe in anything anymore and don't want to hear any more cheesy utopian talk... I understand that you don't believe in anything anymore

I think I would have felt the same in your place

Choosing to ctb is a really complicated choice, with a lot of questioning, fear and regrets. It is indeed (in my eyes) the most complicated thing I have ever faced in my life

I don't know what to tell you because yes, you have raised the issue, I also think that maybe your mind is telling you "No". The break up is too complicated to accept, to draw a line or to accept past trauma, it's much too hard

I feel like you've always dealt with everything by yourself... ❤

We can't do miracles, but I sincerely hope that things can get better for you, that this loneliness in which you face things, stops ❤

We respect and love you here ❤

I am deeply torn reading you...

If writing to us eases your pain, then go on, you are not alone in this cold world ❤

No matter what you choose to do, you will remain the same to us

With a sincere love ❤❤