Hope is just prolonged disappointment.

[Lullaby]

Just need to vent. The past week has been so hard and I've just been crying non-stop every night so far, I'm genuinely just tired.

It felt like things were starting to clear up and maybe get better after SO long. I was accepted into this amazing apartment building I've been trying to get since last summer, I was finally going to get back out there and away from my toxic home that I've been stuck in again since I had to come back. I found someone really great and had a connection that I hadn't felt in years.

I was really scared to accept any positive feelings that were popping up, but my therapist wanted me to let that fear go. She and everyone else told me I should feel that happiness, let those happy daydreams about my future take over and believe that they were going to happen.

Once I allowed myself to do that, I felt really great, for the first time a really long time…the everything felt apart as soon as that happened. Went to go sign the lease with my dad, found out that they made a mistake; overlooked things on my application and I didn't make enough for them, so they gave the apartment to someone else.

That wonderful person I met? Everything they said to me about how they felt was a total lie. Told that they were in love with me and thanked god every night that I was brought into his life…complete bullshit. They were talking to someone else the whole time and suddenly those feeling were gone.

This happened in the span of just a few weeks. It played out almost like a sick joke from the universe. I feel so stupid that I even thought things were improving. Now everything is back to the way it was before, except I somehow feel even more broken.

I have no idea what I plan on doing next, but I know that I just don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to keep doing this. I don't have any hope for my future; I never did and all of that stuff really just reaffirmed how I feel.

I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of waking up everyday, I'm tired of being disappointed, I'm tired of being hurt by others. I'm just tired.

 

[StarryStarry]

I agree. Hope is evil.

 

[its-about-time]

Hope is strange. Some say you should indulge the wonderful feelings of hope without attaching yourself to any particular outcome. I'm not sure it would qualify as hope anymore in that sense, but maybe the point is to be present and enjoy what's happening now without basing that hope on a future outcome. Do these awful things that happened with the apartment and boy change how happy you were in the moment? No, though memory is subjective and may betray us in times like this. It's an odd thought. Happiness is not something that can be achieved and is certainly fleeting in most cases. I think it's more spontaneous than we think, and not nearly as common for many of us than movies like to pretend… so why strive for it? When I feel happy, it's pretty cool, and it's made even better if I can keep from wondering if I'll be happy tomorrow, too. Though it can't be generated, it can easily be destroyed… if happiness happens so infrequently, it seems silly to deny it when it presents itself to us. I don't know what I'm even saying this has turned into a rant that may mean nothing to you. I sometimes feel like a child throwing a tantrum. "If I can't have the whole carton of ice cream then I don't even want a bowl." Logically, one should accept the bowl.

 

[S like Siren]

feel so stupid that I even thought things were improving. Now everything is back to the way it was before, except I somehow feel even more broken.

Oh yeah...i.went throught this feeling soooo many times,starting having faith and hope...trying again and then ended up more in shit than ever,i did it for years because...first i was younger,second i thought i needed to fight and keep trying,after years of doing the best i.could do and receiving nothing but shit i can say now that hope is really toxic in my case.It's cruel yeah and very disappointing,it's the hard reality that "unlcky" people have to accept

 

[Red Scare]

Hope is strange. Some say you should indulge the wonderful feelings of hope without attaching yourself to any particular outcome. I'm not sure it would qualify as hope anymore in that sense, but maybe the point is to be present and enjoy what's happening now without basing that hope on a future outcome. Do these awful things that happened with the apartment and boy change how happy you were in the moment? No, though memory is subjective and may betray us in times like this. It's an odd thought. Happiness is not something that can be achieved and is certainly fleeting in most cases. I think it's more spontaneous than we think, and not nearly as common for many of us than movies like to pretend… so why strive for it? When I feel happy, it's pretty cool, and it's made even better if I can keep from wondering if I'll be happy tomorrow, too. Though it can't be generated, it can easily be destroyed… if happiness happens so infrequently, it seems silly to deny it when it presents itself to us. I don't know what I'm even saying this has turned into a rant that may mean nothing to you. I sometimes feel like a child throwing a tantrum. "If I can't have the whole carton of ice cream then I don't even want a bowl." Logically, one should accept the bowl.

I felt genuinely happy when I was with my husband. There were tough times, and life has a way of throwing its bs as you, but we still were generally happy together though it wasn't always sun and rainbows, having each other, we both derived a lot of happiness from it.

But even that was fleeting, my husband died, whether at the time he did or in 20 more years, it was bound to happen.

I think you can only really be happy when you have things to look forward to, things that outweigh the bad. For some people that is just living long enough to see the next episode of their favorite show, week to week. For some people that is achieving goals, and having more stuff to look forward to. Others find it in their personal relationships. If you are consistently enjoying life, and the bad is not bad enough that you can just shrug it off, then happiness is possible. You can say "yeah, I am generally happy". Bad stuff will always happen, a flat tire, a set back, but if someone has enough good in their life they will say they are generally happy.

I remember what that was like. Now there are no good times, the realities of life are too much. I'm ready to ctb.

 

[Of The Universe]

I agree. Hope is evil.

Hope is the thing with feathers.
That's from a poem by Angie Dickenson.

My advice to OP is don't give up. Those good things can happen. For real.

 

[StarryStarry]

Hope is the thing with feathers.
That's from a poem by Angie Dickenson.

My advice to OP is don't give up. Those good things can happen. For real.

Am I OP? If I am, I've lived 60 long years and I'm still waiting for something good to happen. But I appreciate your positive attitude. I'm afraid I've lived too long and am jaded.

 

[S like Siren]

I've lived 60 long years and I'm still waiting for something good to happen.

Me 28 now and i always belived and had hope...now it's over,i finished with this stupid and nonsense hope,it didn't work for me and my stupid life

 

[StarryStarry]

Me 28 now and i always belived and had hope...now it's over,i finished with this stupid and nonsense hope,it didn't work for me and my stupid life

I'm so sorry to hear this. To be so young and feel so defeated. I'm not going to lie or sugar coat this shitty ass life. I just wish you had more joy for a longer time.

 

[S like Siren]

I'm so sorry to hear this. To be so young and feel so defeated. I'm not going to lie or sugar coat this shitty ass life. I just wish you had more joy for a longer time.

Thank you...i appreciate a lot your message<3 :')

 

[StarryStarry]

Thank you...i appreciate a lot your message<3 :')

I will be here if you need to vent or scream or whatever feeling you're going through. You can always pm me (until Saturday - my dancing day!)

 

[S like Siren]

I will be here if you need to vent or scream or whatever feeling you're going through. You can always pm me (until Saturday - my dancing day!)

Oh thank you<3 :* the same for you,if you need i'm here for you too:)Your dancing day!! Wow you go girl,dancing queen!!i told you that you are a fabulouse woman!;)

 

[StarryStarry]

Oh thank you<3 :* the same for you,if you need i'm here for you too:)Your dancing day!! Wow you go girl,dancing queen!!i told you that you are a fabulouse woman!;)

No, it's the day I'll be ctb.

 

[S like Siren]

No, it's the day I'll be ctb.

Oh...:( i'm so sorry dear Starry and at the same time i feel you so much because i want be dead soon too...i'm so sorry you had to suffer so much in life,i hope whatever will happen that you will find the peace that you deserve:')

 

[StarryStarry]

Oh...:( i'm so sorry dear Starry and at the same time i feel you so much because i want be dead soon too...i'm so sorry you had to suffer so much in life,i hope whatever will happen that you will find the peace that you deserve:')

Thank you so much! I appreciate your kind words.

 

[Lullaby]

I felt genuinely happy when I was with my husband. There were tough times, and life has a way of throwing its bs as you, but we still were generally happy together though it wasn't always sun and rainbows, having each other, we both derived a lot of happiness from it.

But even that was fleeting, my husband died, whether at the time he did or in 20 more years, it was bound to happen.

I think you can only really be happy when you have things to look forward to, things that outweigh the bad. For some people that is just living long enough to see the next episode of their favorite show, week to week. For some people that is achieving goals, and having more stuff to look forward to. Others find it in their personal relationships. If you are consistently enjoying life, and the bad is not bad enough that you can just shrug it off, then happiness is possible. You can say "yeah, I am generally happy". Bad stuff will always happen, a flat tire, a set back, but if someone has enough good in their life they will say they are generally happy.

I remember what that was like. Now there are no good times, the realities of life are too much. I'm ready to ctb.

I'm really sorry.

I had a really rough upbringing and grew up in a super violent household. I never really got to experience much joy or happiness because of it, and so that's always been something hard for be to feel. Even when I've been in good spots, I was still struggling from the trauma of things I've been through, so that would also make things difficult.

Like you said, I would find things to keep me going and it would work, but it's really tiring now and I've lost interest in a lot of what would help me cope. I'm 27 but it feels like I've lived a lifetime. People always tell me "well, you've already fought through hell, you're strong enough to keep going" but it's really exhausting, especially when you're still struggling after years.

Hugs to you, and also @StarryStarry @S like suicide. I'm really horrible with words, but hopefully an e-hug is comforting enough.

 

[anxious_depressive]

Hope is an insidious feeling.

I am completely disappointed in this life.I still have a little bit of hope left, but this feeling is fading every day.

 

[Red Scare]

I would find things to keep me going and it would work, but it's really tiring now and I've lost interest in a lot of what would help me cope.

This is text book depression, when you lose interest in the things that could previously keep your interest, when you derive no more joy from the things that once brought joy. I get it, I really do.

it's really exhausting, especially when you're still struggling after years.

Oh boy, do I know. I had a pretty traumatic childhood. I was surprised I ever met anyone and had a long term relationship. It's almost like it was never supposed to happen, I wasn't ever meant to be that happy and life has a way of... well just screwing you over.

I hate it, just how unfair life is... totally kills me there are kids of billionaires who will never know anything of suffering...

 

[anxious_depressive]

Just need to vent. The past week has been so hard and I've just been crying non-stop every night so far, I'm genuinely just tired.

It felt like things were starting to clear up and maybe get better after SO long. I was accepted into this amazing apartment building I've been trying to get since last summer, I was finally going to get back out there and away from my toxic home that I've been stuck in again since I had to come back. I found someone really great and had a connection that I hadn't felt in years.

I was really scared to accept any positive feelings that were popping up, but my therapist wanted me to let that fear go. She and everyone else told me I should feel that happiness, let those happy daydreams about my future take over and believe that they were going to happen.

Once I allowed myself to do that, I felt really great, for the first time a really long time…the everything felt apart as soon as that happened. Went to go sign the lease with my dad, found out that they made a mistake; overlooked things on my application and I didn't make enough for them, so they gave the apartment to someone else.

That wonderful person I met? Everything they said to me about how they felt was a total lie. Told that they were in love with me and thanked god every night that I was brought into his life…complete bullshit. They were talking to someone else the whole time and suddenly those feeling were gone.

This happened in the span of just a few weeks. It played out almost like a sick joke from the universe. I feel so stupid that I even thought things were improving. Now everything is back to the way it was before, except I somehow feel even more broken.

I have no idea what I plan on doing next, but I know that I just don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to keep doing this. I don't have any hope for my future; I never did and all of that stuff really just reaffirmed how I feel.

I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of waking up everyday, I'm tired of being disappointed, I'm tired of being hurt by others. I'm just tired.

I 'm so sorry that you feel this way.

Hugs .

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I have to say that this thread is the one that identified me the most so far.

@BracketsHTML I am very sorry that things turned out that way. Having been through these situations several times I have totally lost trust and hope in people and stopped allowing myself to invest in them. People are worthless. I hope you don't fall too far down and that you can recover because you deserve it.

@StarryStarry I am so sorry that things have brought you to this point. Life really can be very unfair and mean. Are you going to make a goodbye thread on the day? Do you already have someone to leave your cat with?

 

[sharky]

Very sorry this happened to you. Sometimes the universe just wants to play with you and then gives you the middle finger. That's why I can never be happy because I always fear that something bad will happen. My brain just does that to protect me. But it's exhausting in a way to feel like that.

I really hope that you get better soon and that things improve. I wish you all the best

 

[its-about-time]

I felt genuinely happy when I was with my husband. There were tough times, and life has a way of throwing its bs as you, but we still were generally happy together though it wasn't always sun and rainbows, having each other, we both derived a lot of happiness from it.

But even that was fleeting, my husband died, whether at the time he did or in 20 more years, it was bound to happen.

I think you can only really be happy when you have things to look forward to, things that outweigh the bad. For some people that is just living long enough to see the next episode of their favorite show, week to week. For some people that is achieving goals, and having more stuff to look forward to. Others find it in their personal relationships. If you are consistently enjoying life, and the bad is not bad enough that you can just shrug it off, then happiness is possible. You can say "yeah, I am generally happy". Bad stuff will always happen, a flat tire, a set back, but if someone has enough good in their life they will say they are generally happy.

I remember what that was like. Now there are no good times, the realities of life are too much. I'm ready to ctb.

I'm a dedicated philosophical pessimist, I believe the world offers far more "bad" than "good." I think those who truly feel "happy" for most of their lives are either subconsciously tricking themselves or are flat out ignorant, probably a combination of both. I don't believe there is meaning in life except for what you prescribe to your own life. Most people choose meaning for themselves without thinking about it. But I can't bring myself to pull such a fast one on myself. Could I even trick myself, knowing what I know? I do not wish to live only because of illusions. But that's how 99% of the people you meet operate. Like what a fucking joke. I want no part in it. But a meaningless life. What does that offer besides misery?

 

[Darkover]

"Hope. It is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and greatest weakness."

 

[Tonight634]

Hope is what's keeping me alive, I hate it and I completely understand you. It is a delusion that only brings more pain in the end. I'm sorry that bullshit happened to you.

 

[Insomniac]

That wonderful person I met? Everything they said to me about how they felt was a total lie. Told that they were in love with me and thanked god every night that I was brought into his life…complete bullshit. They were talking to someone else the whole time and suddenly those feeling were gone.

I relate to everything.

never trust daydreams.

 

[FuneralCry]

I believe that hope can often just lead to more suffering, which is why I am glad that I have none. This life is just so cruel and unfair, I understand that it can be very horrible when things keep on going wrong. I know that this life is unbearable when you are so tired of everything. I'm sorry that you have been through all this. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Lost Magic]

If I could cut up hope with a dirty chainsaw, I would. It tricks a lot of people into 'hoping' things will turn around. But life doesn't care about what you really want. It is a rollercoaster of super highs (for the lucky) and soul crushing lows. I think it might be best to just stay in the present as much as possible. If something good turns up, then call it a bonus. Don't be too hard on yourself. Life is hard enough.

 

[S like Siren]

it's really exhausting, especially when you're still struggling after years.

Exactly!It is very difficult to have hope and faith after a long time in suffering without a respite and some help.Thank you for your hug....i hug you back:)

 

[ShatteredSoul]

Exactly my thoughts, fuck hope and fuck love. Can't wait to not have to wake up another day.

 

[ornitier199]

OP, one of the truest and realest things I've heard recently was:

"Hope only brings disappoint."
-Amy Sorel