How to explain how i've been...?
Not good. Basically. Lmao. Not good at all.
I... Hate my life, still. I am, hanging on because of the sake of my friends, and specifically one who really doesn't want me to ctb.
Otherwise... I have little reason to live. I've gotten completely detached from any care I have towards the people around me. Or well, no. That's not the right way to put it... I dare say I have complete emotional anhedonia now. I care out of duty. Not because I feel like I care anymore...
My bodily health has basically gone to shit. And I still have little autonomy over my own life.
I have... Zero clue if I'll survive to the end of the year. I AM trying because I promised this friend I'd try. But why try if I see no actual hope about... Anything?
I'm 24 now, and I hate it. A part of me is disgusted that I've been so cowardly as to not go through with what I've wanted to do already. I mean. Nothing is going to change and I don't have the will to try to change things anymore. Lost that a long while ago.
"It gets better but you have to work for it" well, what if I don't have a reason to do that? My life isn't that important. To me.
I'll never get married or ever have someone fall in love with me. It NEVER ends well, I'm... Not what anyone needs. I am constantly going from losing my damned mind to feeling nothing. I am unaccomplished. Wasted, and I know part of that is MY fault... But part of that is also my dad's fault. For treating me so shittily for even the slightest of mistakes since I was a toddler whilst simultaneously claiming he was just trying to help me realize my potential.
By making me miserable and giving me CPTSD. Sure you were, buddy.
I am not worth loving. I am not worth saving. I don't even waste the time loving MYSELF because I know how useless it is.
Anyhow... Yeah. Hello, everyone.
Not good. Basically. Lmao. Not good at all.
I... Hate my life, still. I am, hanging on because of the sake of my friends, and specifically one who really doesn't want me to ctb.
Otherwise... I have little reason to live. I've gotten completely detached from any care I have towards the people around me. Or well, no. That's not the right way to put it... I dare say I have complete emotional anhedonia now. I care out of duty. Not because I feel like I care anymore...
My bodily health has basically gone to shit. And I still have little autonomy over my own life.
I have... Zero clue if I'll survive to the end of the year. I AM trying because I promised this friend I'd try. But why try if I see no actual hope about... Anything?
I'm 24 now, and I hate it. A part of me is disgusted that I've been so cowardly as to not go through with what I've wanted to do already. I mean. Nothing is going to change and I don't have the will to try to change things anymore. Lost that a long while ago.
"It gets better but you have to work for it" well, what if I don't have a reason to do that? My life isn't that important. To me.
I'll never get married or ever have someone fall in love with me. It NEVER ends well, I'm... Not what anyone needs. I am constantly going from losing my damned mind to feeling nothing. I am unaccomplished. Wasted, and I know part of that is MY fault... But part of that is also my dad's fault. For treating me so shittily for even the slightest of mistakes since I was a toddler whilst simultaneously claiming he was just trying to help me realize my potential.
By making me miserable and giving me CPTSD. Sure you were, buddy.
I am not worth loving. I am not worth saving. I don't even waste the time loving MYSELF because I know how useless it is.
Anyhow... Yeah. Hello, everyone.
