Help me...

[downndone2]

I can't even have peace in my dreams. Just woke up again, heart racing, anxiety after an awful dream. Nothing I was thinking before sleep that would have precipitates it.

I have had so much loss and trauma in last several years (after my terrible decisions while not in my right mind) and just don't want to go on.

But then, there's the thoughts of what I'll put my family, friends, and animals thru. Who will clean up the mess. Etc, etc, etc

Right now, I don't even have a sure fire plan, just several random thoughts (i.e. OD with no meds, gsw, jump, hang) and only one sounds peaceful.

I'm stuck in so much financial loss and heartbreak, mounting debt, awful anxiety, alone all the time.. trying to interview for jobs which are ending up not resulting in offers. Then also finding myself stuck at home with crippling anxiety/depression most days, physically feel unable to leave or do anything for that matter other than exist.

At the end of everyday, I usually find myself saying the only option is to ctb In order to end these awful feelings.

When I tie up what loose ends I can, I've just got to go. I need help, insight, thoughts, support and I can't get it from others without a section in a psych ward.

When it warms up, my plan would be to ctb away from my home (hotel or outdoors) by one of the following ways with delayed email(s) and/or letter(s):

OD in hotel (prefer N or Fent), stilp need assist to secure either form. Heroin hotshot is also option

Jump from height of 10 stories +

Gsw to chest or head outdoors in abandoned location

I'm just stuck in life. Everything was great until I turned my dream life into an absolute nightmare, not these have become my fucied up options

I need people and no one comes....

 

[Ultracheese]

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. Your feelings are totally understandable given your circumstances. I get what you mean about it being so isolating being alone with your thoughts all the time. SS is a really great community that has provided me with a lot of comfort during tough times. I hope that you're able to find peace whatever you decide.

 

[downndone2]

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. Your feelings are totally understandable given your circumstances. I get what you mean about it being so isolating being alone with your thoughts all the time. SS is a really great community that has provided me with a lot of comfort during tough times. I hope that you're able to find peace whatever you decide.

Thank you! I feel so helpless and isolated. It is awful and I have to end this misery

 

[novem]

You sound almost like me...
If your health is alright, it is not the end yet, you still can fix your finances.
when you lose health it becomes another story...

 

[downndone2]

You sound almost like me...
If your health is alright, it is not the end yet, you still can fix your finances.
when you lose health it becomes another story...

My health is pretty poor at the moment as well. Lots of chronic conditions.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be so awful and tiring feeling so trapped in that situation, at least to me such a thing as peace could never exist in this world and I really do believe that there is no real relief from suffering as long as we stay here. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[downndone2]

It must be so awful and tiring feeling so trapped in that situation, at least to me such a thing as peace could never exist in this world and I really do believe that there is no real relief from suffering as long as we stay here. But anyway I wish you the best.

I spend my nights thinking that leaving by ctb is my only way. Everything has failed. I fucked up everything. The anxiety is over the top...

 

[novem]

My health is pretty poor at the moment as well. Lots of chronic conditions.

Same with me.
Cant bear seeing happy people as they remind of my failures. Can't look at my photos or documents that are from the last 5y as they remind me of myself normal.
I Just need to execute the plan that works.

I have all the main ingredients but start thinking about my family members and it is scary to realise that there would be no way back. I would stay determined for an hour or so but then my thoughts start racing back and fourth and I can't make another step or think about planning to go....

Some would say I am not ready.
But who told you that anyone would ever be ready for it, and those who claim they are are likely to just seek attention and lie.

As with everything things might change and the ready method can be lost if I have to move for example. So there is always some urgency involved too.

When I saw people crying in the streets in this city i could not understand why it happened to them. Now i know why but i wish i stayed ignorant about it. Because the only way we could help each other would be to share our ctb method.