Inferdan
Meeting the first minor relapse after recovery
- Nov 3, 2019
- 450
Hello again, everyone, been a few months since I've visited the forum again.
To anyone who has wondered about my progress or does not know me, I'll give a quick recap.
I joined November 2019, where I was in decline. I felt alone, having left home at 16 (currently 19), going to high school but not feeling I belonged, hating the world, hating everything, and was in a lot of internal pain. I felt broken and unfixable, and the mental conflict of whether I should stay or go tortured me for so so long. I self-harmed a few times, and lost a lot of my feelings and the things that I enjoyed became meaningless. I lived very poorly, and the housemate I lived with at the time did not make anything better (actually made things worse, the lazy fuck. At least he got thrown out after trying to pin all the mess on me, hehe).
I finally decided to ctb, and had begun preparations. Being newly 18, I had the liberty of getting a full bottle of vodka, and planned to bleed myself out. I had no care for the possible consequences with failure, I was not going to stay. I had everything I needed, and the night before my planned departure, I made a turnaround from a message I got from the gameplay Night In the Woods (tbh, it was probably SI, but eh), which just to say "Fuck it" and keep going (similar to what it really was, but same message).
So I did that. Started trying to rebuild from the rubble. It was extremely difficult and there were multiple times that I relapsed and many days where I had to run on pure will, even sometimes when there was no will. The effort was hard, and I questioned if it was worth it, if I wanted it, why was I even doing it in the first place. I had no reason, just going forward for no reason.
I was able to get to the point where I'd make basic meals for myself, such as pasta and cheese, though only when I could, and showering more often. I was able to give myself a reason, which was just for myself. To try and have a life I would be happy with. And I started going for that.
I was put back into the youth shelter, which meant I was surrounded by drinking and smoking eshays, which are kids from 18 and below who "act cool" with branded clothes and essentially street rats. I heard rumours of an illegal gun salesman in the area, and actually considered finding them. Of course, never did. From there I found another sharehouse, much better than the last, and with a good housemate this time. Still found it hard to do things, though, and had not passed secondary. Tried doing a secondary course at the uni instead, which was easier, and I had still failed. Luckily it's free and can try as many times as I like, so I'm currently doing it again, where I'll do a subject a term.
I got my first job after fucking finally coming off government pay, though I need a second or better one, no dark thoughts whatsoever (though I do get relapses every now and then, but nothing suicidal or even close to self-harm, just hating everything and in bed on my phone either talking to people or memes or editing photos I take, etc.), and I have a girlfriend :) if I think about it, I do feel how far I've come...from desolate hope and shattered into nothing, to a start where I actually have a good chance of becoming something big...and actually having a life that I am satisfied with.
I will kill myself still, but just so I don't grow old. Girlfriend wishes to do the same. Maybe around our 60's. We'll see :)
Not a perfect recap, I'm not sure if I missed anything, tired atm and need to sleep for an all day work day (No, I don't work multiple all days, they tend to be 3 hour afternoons...not much and can't save with them, hence better job needed), so any responses I'll check in a day or two.
Also, hello to any old friends that I had met from the past two years :)
To anyone who has wondered about my progress or does not know me, I'll give a quick recap.
I joined November 2019, where I was in decline. I felt alone, having left home at 16 (currently 19), going to high school but not feeling I belonged, hating the world, hating everything, and was in a lot of internal pain. I felt broken and unfixable, and the mental conflict of whether I should stay or go tortured me for so so long. I self-harmed a few times, and lost a lot of my feelings and the things that I enjoyed became meaningless. I lived very poorly, and the housemate I lived with at the time did not make anything better (actually made things worse, the lazy fuck. At least he got thrown out after trying to pin all the mess on me, hehe).
I finally decided to ctb, and had begun preparations. Being newly 18, I had the liberty of getting a full bottle of vodka, and planned to bleed myself out. I had no care for the possible consequences with failure, I was not going to stay. I had everything I needed, and the night before my planned departure, I made a turnaround from a message I got from the gameplay Night In the Woods (tbh, it was probably SI, but eh), which just to say "Fuck it" and keep going (similar to what it really was, but same message).
So I did that. Started trying to rebuild from the rubble. It was extremely difficult and there were multiple times that I relapsed and many days where I had to run on pure will, even sometimes when there was no will. The effort was hard, and I questioned if it was worth it, if I wanted it, why was I even doing it in the first place. I had no reason, just going forward for no reason.
I was able to get to the point where I'd make basic meals for myself, such as pasta and cheese, though only when I could, and showering more often. I was able to give myself a reason, which was just for myself. To try and have a life I would be happy with. And I started going for that.
I was put back into the youth shelter, which meant I was surrounded by drinking and smoking eshays, which are kids from 18 and below who "act cool" with branded clothes and essentially street rats. I heard rumours of an illegal gun salesman in the area, and actually considered finding them. Of course, never did. From there I found another sharehouse, much better than the last, and with a good housemate this time. Still found it hard to do things, though, and had not passed secondary. Tried doing a secondary course at the uni instead, which was easier, and I had still failed. Luckily it's free and can try as many times as I like, so I'm currently doing it again, where I'll do a subject a term.
I got my first job after fucking finally coming off government pay, though I need a second or better one, no dark thoughts whatsoever (though I do get relapses every now and then, but nothing suicidal or even close to self-harm, just hating everything and in bed on my phone either talking to people or memes or editing photos I take, etc.), and I have a girlfriend :) if I think about it, I do feel how far I've come...from desolate hope and shattered into nothing, to a start where I actually have a good chance of becoming something big...and actually having a life that I am satisfied with.
I will kill myself still, but just so I don't grow old. Girlfriend wishes to do the same. Maybe around our 60's. We'll see :)
Not a perfect recap, I'm not sure if I missed anything, tired atm and need to sleep for an all day work day (No, I don't work multiple all days, they tend to be 3 hour afternoons...not much and can't save with them, hence better job needed), so any responses I'll check in a day or two.
Also, hello to any old friends that I had met from the past two years :)
