Lxions
they/he
- Apr 6, 2023
- 78
I miss him more than anything, yet I don't know why. It's fucking awful. He was so awful, but I want him so bad.
I was recovered when we got together, and during our relationship I started relapsing again. Everything went bad because I loved him more than I could ever love myself. I went into rehab and other programs. He also had issues but refused to work on them, so he progressively declined while I was recovering. I tried to support him and push him towards going to therapy and other programs with me but he refused. This made me believe that I was doing something wrong during our relationship, because he had little episodes where he would get super defensive and aggressive. Calling me names, blaming me for how he was feeling, and then eventually break down telling me how suicidal he was feeling. (He's been ill since he was a child, always has felt this way). Eventually he became very abusive and eventually left; but it still feels like my life is at a standstill, and I'll never recover from that loss of love. It's difficult for me to love and trust another person, but he was that person. I don't want to replace him, or find someone new. I just want death, I don't want to feel this way ever again about anyone or anything. Nobody should have the power to make you feel this way, so pathetic, sad, and unlovable; Fragile.
I stayed alive for him, he knew about all my issues since we knew each other for 3 years prior. He didn't want me to CBT, and I loved him enough to attempt recovery after relapsing again and again. Looking back, I don't know if I was ever truly happy. I would like to believe I was, but I can't be sure anymore, it's all a blur. For the last 3 months of our relationship he would ignore me for days on end, blame me for everything, scream in my face, call me disgusting names, and threaten CBT. But I loved him unconditionally, and I held onto the good memories and romanticized the fuck out of them, so I let it happen. God, this shit is so fucked up and I still miss him.
He isn't the only reason why I feel this way, there's so much more wrong with me, but he is the main focus in my life right now. Nobody should ever have this kind of power over you. We've been no contact for 4 months now, and my mental is only declining. The last text he sent me before I cut contact was him saying he was planning to kill himself soon, and how I'm loveable. "You are loveable, no matter what you think, you deserve love. You are loveable". That message alone sent me into a 2 month episode where I was bedridden. It'll be my fault if he commits and I can't do anything to stop it. Why am I trauma bonded to him? I just want to be set free into an eternal void of nothingness, why is that so hard to understand? Why can't I let go of the hurt, I wish to find my peace and I don't think that's even possible anymore.
I was recovered when we got together, and during our relationship I started relapsing again. Everything went bad because I loved him more than I could ever love myself. I went into rehab and other programs. He also had issues but refused to work on them, so he progressively declined while I was recovering. I tried to support him and push him towards going to therapy and other programs with me but he refused. This made me believe that I was doing something wrong during our relationship, because he had little episodes where he would get super defensive and aggressive. Calling me names, blaming me for how he was feeling, and then eventually break down telling me how suicidal he was feeling. (He's been ill since he was a child, always has felt this way). Eventually he became very abusive and eventually left; but it still feels like my life is at a standstill, and I'll never recover from that loss of love. It's difficult for me to love and trust another person, but he was that person. I don't want to replace him, or find someone new. I just want death, I don't want to feel this way ever again about anyone or anything. Nobody should have the power to make you feel this way, so pathetic, sad, and unlovable; Fragile.
I stayed alive for him, he knew about all my issues since we knew each other for 3 years prior. He didn't want me to CBT, and I loved him enough to attempt recovery after relapsing again and again. Looking back, I don't know if I was ever truly happy. I would like to believe I was, but I can't be sure anymore, it's all a blur. For the last 3 months of our relationship he would ignore me for days on end, blame me for everything, scream in my face, call me disgusting names, and threaten CBT. But I loved him unconditionally, and I held onto the good memories and romanticized the fuck out of them, so I let it happen. God, this shit is so fucked up and I still miss him.
He isn't the only reason why I feel this way, there's so much more wrong with me, but he is the main focus in my life right now. Nobody should ever have this kind of power over you. We've been no contact for 4 months now, and my mental is only declining. The last text he sent me before I cut contact was him saying he was planning to kill himself soon, and how I'm loveable. "You are loveable, no matter what you think, you deserve love. You are loveable". That message alone sent me into a 2 month episode where I was bedridden. It'll be my fault if he commits and I can't do anything to stop it. Why am I trauma bonded to him? I just want to be set free into an eternal void of nothingness, why is that so hard to understand? Why can't I let go of the hurt, I wish to find my peace and I don't think that's even possible anymore.
