Venting Having the option to die feels strangely comforting

[strayed]

I came to realize that having the option to die readily available feels weirdly comforting. Having control over your own life gave me a sense of security, rather than having no method readily availble.

I believed I had a method to ctb, but now that the possibility of performing it is gone, I feel exceedingly dreadful. I wonder if anyone else feels this way? I wish I had a little sucide kit that I could bring around.

 

[itsgone2]

I believed I had a method to ctb, but now that the possibility of performing it is gone, I feel exceedingly dreadful. I wonder if anyone else feels this way? I wish I had a little sucide kit that I could bring around.

You had something, but don't now?
It's comforting that I have a plan but it's fsh and no idea if it will work so not sure why it's comforting. It just waits.

 

[Hiro Uchiha]

Comforting and at some degree, liberating. Life feels so different knowing you can do "it".

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand as I always suffer so much from feeling so trapped in this dreadful, torturous and futile existence that I never would had chosen, I see so much cruelty in how I cannot just access the option to peacefully cease existing to be free from this existence I just always saw as the most terrible mistake, for me non-existence is just the only relief and comfort, all I want is to be gone, I just want to never suffer again.

 

[Bronzehawkattack]

That's how I feel. It's comforting and liberating knowing you can go painless at anytime you want to.
Imagine being locked into a tough videogame, but you don't have the option to put the controller down? That'd be hell. The videogame is only bearable if you can exit to desktop.

 

[amomentspeace]

To me it feels like a double edged sword, it does comfort me at my worst times which seem to grow more common, but it also strips a bit of the joy of life when I have suicide whispering to me like the green goblin mask even at moments where i should be having fun, it feels like all moments are now measured against suicide, "is it worth it being alive for this or should i just ctb already". And even though I know I won't ctb atm it still ruins the otherwise good moment.

 

[itsgone2]

That's how I feel. It's comforting and liberating knowing you can go painless at anytime you want to.
Imagine being locked into a tough videogame, but you don't have the option to put the controller down? That'd be hell. The videogame is only bearable if you can exit to desktop.

Do you feel you could go painless at any time?

I only see brutal methods which is why I'm still here. I've openly told my therapist if it was a switch, I'd definitely flip it. But there's no switch.

 

[JassieDusk]

I know right. Not actually having a plan to do it in the near future, but knowing that if existing becomes unbearable you always have a way out. You know that you're not necessarily trapped in this endless agony of an existence and can choose to quit any time you want. I'm so grateful for not being immortal lol

 

[LoverofAnimals]

Yes, I feel incredibly comforted by the fact that there are options. When I found this place, I felt a big weight fall off my shoulders. Finally a place I can talk about it.

 

[58Alice85]

I used to feel like this.
This has been upgraded to this sense of comfort that i actually will kill myself in the future
no more doubts

 

[strayed]

Do you feel you could go painless at any time?

I only see brutal methods which is why I'm still here. I've openly told my therapist if it was a switch, I'd definitely flip it. But there's no switch.

The only painless ways I could potentially pull off is either SN or a fall from a lethal height. I just need to source some SN somewhere, or build up enough courage to make the jump.

 

[thesighofleaves]

The only painless ways I could potentially pull off is either SN or a fall from a lethal height. I just need to source some SN somewhere, or build up enough courage to make the jump.

How is a fall from a lethal height in any way painless?

There's no way I could do something like that.

 

[jessisme]

I came to realize that having the option to die readily available feels weirdly comforting. Having control over your own life gave me a sense of security, rather than having no method readily availble.

I believed I had a method to ctb, but now that the possibility of performing it is gone, I feel exceedingly dreadful. I wonder if anyone else feels this way? I wish I had a little sucide kit that I could bring around.

My mother found my SN and threw it out. The source I purchased it from has dried up. So discouraging!

 

[Bronzehawkattack]

Do you feel you could go painless at any time?

I only see brutal methods which is why I'm still here. I've openly told my therapist if it was a switch, I'd definitely flip it. But there's no switch.

At present time, no.
Ideal for me would be having an exit mask solution. AFAIK that can't really expire, I could keep it tucked away in my closet, and use it when I'm fully ready to go.

The methods exist, It's just the difficulty of acquiring the painless solution. They make the painless ones as hard as possible to acquire to keep us here.

My mother found my SN and threw it out. The source I purchased it from has dried up. So discouraging!

That fucking sucks.
At least she didn't report you or anything.

 

[Vlad Tepes]

Ikr? Its very nice. During June-August of this year, when I was invested in planning to ctb (before attempting that August but failing because of SI), I felt peace and joy like I never had before in my life. All throughout my existence on this godforsaken planet there is nothing that brought me more comfort than the thought that none of this matters because I can always ctb and choose an exit on my own terms.