Having second thoughts

[dolphin]

I have 19 days until CTB but I don't think I can do this anymore. I have no quality of life but I can't destroy my mother. Maybe wait until she dies? I can't do this. I have my N, I don't think I'll be able to do this. My mom thinks I'm ok and every day I'm just in my room hysterically crying. I don't know whether I should tell my psychiatrist, tell my parents, am I going to be arrested for importing this? I don't know what to do.

 

[kuddelmuddel23]

I'm sorry you're in this position. It sounds to me like you should definitely give life another chance. And no matter how bad the odds are against you, it's always worth fighting for. You don't have much to lose, especially because you already have your N, your way out of the whole.

But you have to find a way for yourself, for nobody else than you. You are what counts. I think it's great that you want to be considerate of your mother, but that shouldn't be the only reason. Discussing the whole thing with a psychiatrist is definitely a good idea.

If nobody noticed that you ordered N, you can just throw it away and there will be no consequences. Or you hide it very well so that nobody can find it.

 

[dolphin]

I'm sorry you're in this position. It sounds to me like you should definitely give life another chance. And no matter how bad the odds are against you, it's always worth fighting for. You don't have much to lose, especially because you already have your N, your way out of the whole.

But you have to find a way for yourself, for nobody else than you. You are what counts. I think it's great that you want to be considerate of your mother, but that shouldn't be the only reason. Discussing the whole thing with a psychiatrist is definitely a good idea.

If nobody noticed that you ordered N, you can just throw it away and there will be no consequences. Or you hide it very well so that nobody can find it.

I am just wondering if I should tell them so they get an idea of how things have deteriorated recently. I have expressed suicidal thoughts to my psychiatrist before but things never got this bad

 

[TiredHorse]

I'm so sorry, @dolphin; I know that impasse, and it feels like the worst sort of trap.

If you have your N, I would recommend you tuck it someplace out of harm's way and keep it your secret. There's no reason to reveal your possession of it to anyone, it should last well so long as it remains sealed, and knowing you have a way out can sometimes make being trapped easier to bear.

As for telling people, I don't know your relationship to your family so I can't really advise you on that --my mother knows my intentions, but she is an exceptional woman who feels my decisions are my own to make-- but telling your psychiatrist could be tricky. If you do elect to do so, I would strongly recommend not speaking of the N, but instead keep your methods vague --maybe rattle off a couple different ones so that it appears you haven't actually settled on one in particular. Also, if you say "it isn't that I want to die, it's that I don't want to exist," that tends to give a shrink a little more leeway to decide you don't need to be involuntarily admitted to hospital. But be careful.

Again, I'm sorry you're feeling so trapped. It's a wretched place to be. I hope you can find peace; ideally alive, but if not, then on an easier path than the one you're currently trapped on.

 

[kuddelmuddel23]

I am just wondering if I should tell them so they get an idea of how things have deteriorated recently. I have expressed suicidal thoughts to my psychiatrist before but things never got this bad

I think I understand now. I wouldn't mention to anyone that you ordered N. That's not a good idea. I think you can express your situation some other way. Your relatives and your psychiatrist don't need to know every detail to get an understanding of the situation.

 

[No Future]

If you're unsure: don't.

Work with your psychiatrist. Help them to understand you're putting on a brave face for others, but are otherwise not coping.

A good shrink will walk you through your thought processes and investigate ways to break the cycle. You owe it yourself to seek solutions, so that you have a chance of happiness, and are not bound to life by guilt and guilt alone. Attempting psychiatry means you are not adverse to getting help; utilize that initiative. It's likely not too late to make improvements to your circumstance.

I wish you all the best.

 

[AsexualBarbieBoy]

If you're unsure: don't.

This is the best advice. When you CTB, its a one way ticket with no chance of return. It's NOT to be taken lightly or done impulsively. It seems like you still have some hope of recovery. Take it and milk it for everything it's worth. At least if you fail then, you'll know you tried everything possible.

I also wouldn't tell anyone about the N, unless you're afraid you might impulsively take it for bad reasons.

 

[dreamsofdestruction]

I am just wondering if I should tell them so they get an idea of how things have deteriorated recently. I have expressed suicidal thoughts to my psychiatrist before but things never got this bad

You can just tell them you've decided on a means and have an actual plan now which should alarm them.

But yeah, it seems like you still have some hope, so throw out the Nembutal and try again.

 

[dolphin]

Ok guys. I won't mention the N. Might update at some point.
I am glad that people here are supportive of life when they see signs of hesitancy

 

[Jean Améry]

You obviously don't need to go through with it if you don't want to or you feel it's not appropriate for any reason.

I think in this case you should seek help while avoiding being too specific about your plan and means as others have indicated already. If they think you are a real danger to yourself and have the means to carry out the intention of self-deliverance chances are high you will be committed.

Good luck. It would be nice if you could keep us in the loop so to speak.

 

[GrizzlyGrapefruit]

As others have said, there's no need to rush to ctb. Find comfort in knowing that you have an extremely peaceful way of ctbing, too, since you have your N, and try your best to work through whatever difficulties you're facing now -- if they continue to be unmanageable, you know your way out.

Also, as kuddel already pointed out, your decision to continue living should be based on what you want out of life, not what other's want out of you. I think it would be wise to do some soul searching and really flesh out what it is you want out of life, if anything.

 

[GeorgeJL]

What have you used to try to get better with so far?

 

[dolphin]

If I did tell them about the N, would they be legally obligated to seize it from me, or would I be committed? or both?

 

[lululoo]

If I did tell them about the N, would they be legally obligated to seize it from me, or would I be committed? or both?

I don't know about any authority taking it from you. Your family might try to take it from you. And being committed is a risk. If you want to keep it but still want them to know how bad you're doing, you could say you bought a rope or something, but threw it out.

Sorry you are in such stress with this. When you're this low it feels like someone should just take care of you so I know it sucks having to figure it all out.

 

[TimeToDie]

If I did tell them about the N, would they be legally obligated to seize it from me, or would I be committed? or both?

What purpose would be served by telling anybody about the Nembutal? Unless you actually want to live and you want it to be taken away to make it more likely that you will live -- is that what you're seeking? Or do you think that seeing how serious you are that you'll get better treatment? And what treatment did you want -- ECT, ketamine infusions, something else?

 

[secondtimesthecharm]

If I did tell them about the N, would they be legally obligated to seize it from me, or would I be committed? or both?

I don't know about seizing it, and committing you depends on the jurisdiction too. For example, in California it's more than likely that you would be committed AND it would be seized, but the laws where you're at may provide for different actions.

I don't know you, and I know this is overstepping, but if I may offer some advice with the best of intentions... put the N away somewhere and speak of it to nobody, but postpone action for now. With catching the bus, it's never really too late but it could always be too soon. It's your choice to make at the end of the day but if there is any part of you that wants to live then I think you should see it through. As far as the N, I understand wanting to remove the temptation, but there's the risk of liability for having it and the risk of being committed involuntarily. If you need it gone, throw it away. I know it's not cheap but if you're not going to use it, the money is sunk anyways right?

 

[Jean Améry]

If I did tell them about the N, would they be legally obligated to seize it from me, or would I be committed? or both?

A legal question can't be answered with any degree of certainty without knowing the applicable laws and practice in your jurisdiction but in all likelihood both would happen. Expressing the wish to die in combination with having the means is textbook cause for involuntary commitment.

Generally those who are deemed to have a 'mental illness' are seen as irrational (a priori) so they'll naturally assume you can't make reasonable decisions and thus might in a fit of emotion decide to use the N. That's a big no-no in this society: your life ain't yours chump.

If you want to get rid of it might aswell just throw it away yourself and quite possibly save yourself the inconvenience of being committed. A lot of people want to die even more after such a 'humane' intervention so I would advise to try to avoid it at all cost.

 

[lone3wolf7]

If I did tell them about the N, would they be legally obligated to seize it from me, or would I be committed? or both?

Not to be rude. But if the matter goes to cops, we dont how it will end for A .... so please think hard before you say about N..

 

[JoeFailure]

Not to be rude. But if the matter goes to cops, we dont how it will end for A .... so please think hard before you say about N..

I don't think they care enough about all of this to be honest. If they did, they could easily figure out our IP's and what's being sent to us. And also get to A. It's only because it's protocol for them to seize it if they're directly tipped off on it.

At the end of the day, all of this isn't about harming other people, just ourselves, and they have bigger fish to fry.

 

[Jen0804]

I am just wondering if I should tell them so they get an idea of how things have deteriorated recently. I have expressed suicidal thoughts to my psychiatrist before but things never got this bad

Hugs darling

I think if any part of you feels unsure then it means you might have unfinished business and that it may not be the time
There's no shame in telling anybody. I doubt you'd be arrested for importing It. If you do mention it maybe just don't mention the exact thing it is- that will help ease your worry over getting in to any trouble. I'm sure you won't though.

I felt like this before I felt some hesitation like I couldn't do it but I know I've attempted many times and in my two attempts the most recent one I felt calm and 100% ready . The time before that I felt like you did and in reflecting now, I see i wasn't 100% ready

Just saying, maybe it would be good for you to postpone at this time. We are in no rush, you will have time in future to re evaluate and everything but if your psychiatrist or therapists don't know you are at this point its worth trying one more time to be open with them. I wouldn't worry much about getting put in hospital or arrested - if you said you're going to do I think on (date) and nothing can stop you then yes they'd probably try intervene but if you mentioned you've been in depth about of despair and had planned your ctb in detail I feel like they would try and work with you

I can't promise that as its different depending on where you are and who you see but a lot of the time it's more daunting than it seems. I wish you all the best. I just really feel we should be peaceful and have no conflict left beforehand and if you feel some doubt over whether it's right then it probably isn't right now

Xxx
Suicidal thoughts and ideation vs suicidal planning with 100% intent are so different, it's best they know which it is xx

 

[GeorgeJL]

@dolphin If you told them you had N I know they would at least commit you to a psych-ward. And yes they would probably take your N.

 

[inconsequential]

@dolphin If you told them you had N I know they would at least commit you to a psych-ward. And yes they would probably take your N.

They'd definitely take the N. You're not supposed to possess it, it's highly controlled, and some places consider it a murder weapon.

 

[TiredHorse]

If they know you have a plan/method and intent to kill yourself, the state will most likely take you into protective custody. If they think you lack either one of those, it is less likely you will suffer that intervention.

Posessing a prescription drug (N) without a prescription is illegal, so yes, they would most probably confiscate your N.

Just to add my voice to the chorus, I strongly advise that you delay your decision to CTB if you have any doubts about it. As so many people here have wisely advised, suicide is not a decision that can be undone. Be wise, and explore every other avenue before that final one.

That said, be smart, and don't let your explorations lead you into a worse place. Approach therapists/psychiatrists cautiously, without giving them any reason to incarcerate you or medicate you against your will --such medications can lead to you finding yourself in an even worse situation than you're in now. Forfeiting agency over your life to the medical industry will not make you feel better in any way, shape, or form.

Furthermore, don't cut off your own line of final retreat: hide your N somewhere secure in case that final avenue becomes your only good option. I don't know your situation, but perhaps get a safe deposit box and, if you don't want the temptation, mail a good friend the key for safekeeping. But the upshot is that knowing you can CTB if you need to will often, paradoxically, take the edge off needing to. (A therapist taught me that, actually.) So as much as I would love to see you close that door and stride forward into life without N, you might have an easier time stepping away from the bus stop if you don't get rid of your N.

Strength and courage, @dolphin. Recovery is a difficult road, but if you can find the start of it, it's one worth exploring.

 

[jake3d]

Furthermore, don't cut off your own line of final retreat: hide your N somewhere secure in case that final avenue becomes your only good option. I don't know your situation, but perhaps get a safe deposit box and, if you don't want the temptation, mail a good friend the key for safekeeping.

This. You spent your money on it, keep it somewhere secure. You never know what life throws in your path. Since you are still here after getting your N, it's clear to see that you are not an impulsive person, so think of it as your life death insurance policy and keep it.

 

[dolphin]

Hey guys, didn't mention my plans. Going to take all of your advice about the N. Going to put it somewhere safe and focus on exploring more options for the time being.

 

[Vegrau]

I have 19 days until CTB but I don't think I can do this anymore. I have no quality of life but I can't destroy my mother. Maybe wait until she dies? I can't do this. I have my N, I don't think I'll be able to do this. My mom thinks I'm ok and every day I'm just in my room hysterically crying. I don't know whether I should tell my psychiatrist, tell my parents, am I going to be arrested for importing this? I don't know what to do.

It will never be easy and there's no clear answer to it or anything for that matter either. Just do what you think is right. If youre not ready. Then youre not. If youre not sure. Then wait until you are. This is your choice after all. Out of your own free will. You dont have follow anything or anyone. Do what you can and what you want.

 

[TAW122]

Forfeiting agency over your life to the medical industry will not make you feel better in any way, shape, or form.

I fully agree with this. I would never want to seek help for mental issues or psychological issues because of this. At best, it is a waste of time, money, and effort. At worst, forced intervention, which involves incarceration and/or treatment against my will. Then I would be saddled with an enormous medical bill that I have little ability to pay off. It simply is not worth it. It is a huge money trap along with a scarlet letter that will ruin your life (professionally, socially, and civilly).

 

[dolphin]

I fully agree with this. I would never want to seek help for mental issues or psychological issues because of this. At best, it is a waste of time, money, and effort. At worst, forced intervention, which involves incarceration and/or treatment against my will. Then I would be saddled with an enormous medical bill that I have little ability to pay off. It simply is not worth it. It is a huge money trap along with a scarlet letter that will ruin your life (professionally, socially, and civilly).

I think it depends. It also important to remember that mental health issues can affect cognitive functions and lead to poor judgement, black and white thinking, etc., so sometimes it is worth asking for a second opinion. Not saying that this is true in your case, but I think if anyone wanted to have total faith in their decisions, they would genuinely explore every option before choosing suicide. I'm not saying suicide is never the right option, or that for you to be making a logical decision you need to pursue mental health treatment. But that might be true for some people.

 

[TiredHorse]

Hey guys, didn't mention my plans. Going to take all of your advice about the N. Going to put it somewhere safe and focus on exploring more options for the time being.

GOOD! Explore more options! You've made my day.

And I didn't mean to say you oughtn't speak with a therapist or shrink --if you are comfortable with the idea, I think you should go for it. It's all about exploring options. I just wanted to caution you that they can, under certain circumstances, overreact, and their overreactions generally aren't helpful, (despite their intent) so be careful how you approach them. But I suspect you already know to be cautious, so I'll pipe down now...

 

[LifeIsNotFun]

It is your decision alone, and its up to you what to do. Don't tell them you have N, otherwise you can get into trouble, but you can tell them you are suicidal if you wish. It is all up to you, and whatever you choose I wish you nothing but the best my friend.