Having N is both a pleasure and a horror

[dandan]

I remember travelling towns south México and the relief of obtaining N.
Then posted here and was suggested to try TRT before. 3 years without serious depression.

BUT the horror is how difficult is life, specially how to make a living doing something I enjoy, I can not will not imagine my job for many years to come and I can not do anything else, my interior strength seems depleted, I don't know what to do.

I spent 20years depressed until I found TRT, testosterone, but now 3 years later, I'm seriously thinking on drinking my N.

But I thought I was getting better, in fact I'm better, but life is so hard to deal with, regrets, past decisions I have to carry.

Don't know what to do, wished I could accept life as is, like many others I know , I refuse too.

Fuk
Don't know what to do!!!
Yeah, having N im the fridge feels good, but ita also the end, supposedly. I believe my antiemetics must have been past due, have to check , but easy to get. But what if. . fuk, even having N, drinking it is not so easy.


Like when I tried the Nitrogen Bag, horrific experience and failure.

 

[BloomingRose]

Indeed, life is very hard for a lot of people. There are people who have it easier or managed to get life easier, but sometimes it is just impossible for some. Although if you are hesitating with your decision I think its better to think about it some more time. But also it is up to you, and what you feel is better to do. I think I wouldn't know what to do myself in your situation but I think that at least having a certain way out would be comforting for me.

I am sorry you ended in this situation and wish you all the best. Good luck

 

[Spiritual survivor]

I feel your pain. I'm in a predicament where I just don't want to participate in anything anymore but I'm forced to. I mean I don't want to work unless it's something easy and fun. Or at least it makes me feel good doing it. I wish I had N in the fridge. I can't stand being alone much of the time but I often can't get myself out to be social either. I felt much better on hormones but can't afford them anymore, yet another reason to ctb.

 

[HopefulSleep]

How did you manage it to bring the N from mexico to where you are if I am allowed to ask?

even having N, drinking it is not so easy.

Yea seems to be very bitter sadly others said it is unbearable for them.

Like when I tried the Nitrogen Bag, horrific experience and failure.

Why exactly didn't it work if I am allowed to ask?

 

[John Ryder]

Yea seems to be very bitter sadly others said it is unbearable for them.

I think OP means the decision to actually go through with consumption due to fear/uncertainty/SI rather than the palatability. But extreme bitterness does seem to be a recurring description from numerous sources. Sadly I'll probably never know firsthand.

 

[HopefulSleep]

I think OP means the decision to actually go through with consumption due to fear/uncertainty/SI rather than the palatability. But extreme bitterness does seem to be a recurring description from numerous sources. Sadly I'll probably never know firsthand.

Sorry for misunderstanding.
I think for me personally my si is at it's lowest when I woke up from a deep sleep and I want to return to the nothingness forever, if I would have some nembutal besides me I would instantly drink it I think.
The problem is no matter which method I can't really do it like that I have to plan it properly cause I don't live alone.

 

[FormerlyFe(IV)]

Hey. I hope you can manage through your crisis.

Personally, I have some BDO home and, despite being an unreliable method for CTB, and having given up a lil bit on it, it still brings me comfort. It also stares back at me in my darkest moments.

I'll be looking out for TRT mentions over here. If it worked for you maybe it could work for me. Sounds interesting.

Hugs,

 

[dandan]

I got in Mexico, in a Vet 3 years ago, before the legal issues to sell changed. I believe its much more difficult today.
And yes, I mean going through with it, not the bitterness havent opened it yet.
It might be a tough swallow, but that cant be the issue.
The issue is, that I felt horrible for almost 10 years,
attempted 1 cocaine OD inyection, didnt work. (the only drug needle I ever used)
had a massive car crash, I dont remember, might been on purpose
tried the Nitrogen bag method, didnt work
Then found TRT and honest to be said, im not "feeling" as bad as I did before.
But LIFE and LIVING and MAKING A LIVING can be real hell for me, I dont know what to do to make a living.

@Failedlife said it well, if I could only enjoy or feel good with my work and my capacity working.
And thats why I doubt, not because I feel like shit, but because I dont know how to make a living, cant see myself doing same shit for years to come. And because TRT I do not feel like I did before. although my negative mind is starting to win

 

[aGoodDayToDie]

I wish I had N :(((

 

[ApparentlyNot]

Like when I tried the Nitrogen Bag, horrific experience and failure.

Do you have a post discussing this experience more in detail? If not, would you mind describing it a bit more? Inert gas asphyxiation, specifically with Nitrogen, is one of the methods I am most seriously considering...

 

[FuneralCry]

I envy those who have N so much as it sounds like the best and most peaceful way to die, I understand why you felt so relieved when you managed to obtain it. But anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.

 

[dandan]

Do you have a post discussing this experience more in detail? If not, would you mind describing it a bit more? Inert gas asphyxiation, specifically with Nitrogen, is one of the methods I am most seriously considering...

I believe I googled the info, and read the ppeh handbook
its basically a hose connected to a bag which then we wrap around the head, but it was really hard and didnt loose consciousness.
maybe a bigger tank, my tank is from the floor to a bit larger than my knee level.

 

[Aergia]

Sounds like a tough situation to be in. Do you think you're at risk of impulsively taking the N? If so, maybe you could try making it harder to get to— lock it up and leave the key somewhere it's not easily attainable.

I believe I googled the info, and read the ppeh handbook
its basically a hose connected to a bag which then we wrap around the head, but it was really hard and didnt loose consciousness.
maybe a bigger tank, my tank is from the floor to a bit larger than my knee level.

That's interesting. If I may ask, did you use up all of the gas? And what was the flow rate?

 

[k1w1]

Sounds like a tough situation to be in. Do you think you're at risk of impulsively taking the N? If so, maybe you could try making it harder to get to— lock it up and leave the key somewhere it's not easily attainable.

That's interesting. If I may ask, did you use up all of the gas? And what was the flow rate?

yes, id like to know what went wrong. mind you....plastic bags are fairly basic. sorry it didnt work out

 

[dandan]

Sounds like a tough situation to be in. Do you think you're at risk of impulsively taking the N? If so, maybe you could try making it harder to get to— lock it up and leave the key somewhere it's not easily attainable.

That's interesting. If I may ask, did you use up all of the gas? And what was the flow rate?

I dont remember the flow rate, I remember it was little complex to get the valve, found it at eBay later on.
but I dont remembe the flow rate
N has been on the fridge for 3 years, which I felt fine with TRT, but LIFE has become a more un enjoyable, routine and complex to get better at my job which makes me feel incompetent.
I do work on software, as a tester, lately been programming tests, and man, I think my code sucks because I can not grasp few concepts.
I would like to do something I feel good at, and cant find it.

 

[Aergia]

I dont remember the flow rate, I remember it was little complex to get the valve, found it at eBay later on.
but I dont remembe the flow rate
N has been on the fridge for 3 years, which I felt fine with TRT, but LIFE has become a more un enjoyable, routine and complex to get better at my job which makes me feel incompetent.
I do work on software, as a tester, lately been programming tests, and man, I think my code sucks because I can not grasp few concepts.
I would like to do something I feel good at, and cant find it.

I'm a CS major and though I've never actually worked in the field before, I frequent a lot of online communities for people in the field and know that impostor syndrome and feelings of inadequacy are pretty common. I'm not trying to be mindlessly positive here— just suggesting that perhaps you're being too harsh on yourself.

If you actively dislike your job, I guess that's a different story. Do you have any interests in living (outside of your career)?

 

[ApparentlyNot]

I believe I googled the info, and read the ppeh handbook
its basically a hose connected to a bag which then we wrap around the head, but it was really hard and didnt loose consciousness.
maybe a bigger tank, my tank is from the floor to a bit larger than my knee level.

yes, I know how it is done, I am just wondering why you called the experience "horrific." Did you have a rough time mentally, physically? Are you sure you made the bag correctly to insure the carbon dioxide could escape? Did you experience a hypercapnic response that made the experience "horrific?" My research has led me to believe that a 20cu tank of Nitrogen is significantly sufficient, and I would be buying a 40cu tank to ensure I have enough for a chickening out or two. Thank you!

 

[dandan]

yes, id like to know what went wrong. mind you....plastic bags are fairly basic. sorry it didnt work out

I wish to know too, it was an ugly experience to tell the truth. What went wrong? I just could not figure it out. I did follow instructions ;(
sometimes I wish it had worked, sometimes I dont.

yes, I know how it is done, I am just wondering why you called the experience "horrific." Did you have a rough time mentally, physically? Are you sure you made the bag correctly to insure the carbon dioxide could escape? Did you experience a hypercapnic response that made the experience "horrific?" My research has led me to believe that a 20cu tank of Nitrogen is significantly sufficient, and I would be buying a 40cu tank to ensure I have enough for a chickening out or two. Thank you!

horrific the mental state! and waiting for unconsciouness, mine is a 20cu tank, I believe that was the issue.
yeah, the oven bag works good, the sealing in the neck too. had to wrap more than a couple times with tape around the neck to make it fit tight. a cordon alone did seemed to do the job. I guess it was lack of Nitrogen

 

[Lost Magic]

I completely relate to how you are feeling. It is like being in a constant state of limbo with your thoughts pulling you in all different directions at once. It's just not easy to let go of this shit. There always seems to be a little voice (at least for me) that tells me things will turn around and another voice that tells me to gtfo of dodge. It's just exhausting after a while.

 

[k1w1]

I wish to know too, it was an ugly experience to tell the truth. What went wrong? I just could not figure it out. I did follow instructions ;(
sometimes I wish it had worked, sometimes I dont.

horrific the mental state! and waiting for unconsciouness, mine is a 20cu tank, I believe that was the issue.
yeah, the oven bag works good, the sealing in the neck too. had to wrap more than a couple times with tape around the neck to make it fit tight. a cordon alone did seemed to do the job. I guess it was lack of Nitrogen

I do hear you, and going through that sucks. You had an airleak, or impure Nitro. One is blacked out in 10 seconds with correct setups. there is a good argument for prepping well ahead & doing a test with an oxy-meter. You take care.

 

[dandan]

I completely relate to how you are feeling. It is like being in a constant state of limbo with your thoughts pulling you in all different directions at once. It's just not easy to let go of this shit. There always seems to be a little voice (at least for me) that tells me things will turn around and another voice that tells me to gtfo of dodge. It's just exhausting after a while.

Yeah kind of exactly like that.

And fuck my brother asking me to read David goggins book, what a bummer. And the stuff about letting go the past, focusing on the present, and thats where the past comes in, and even if attempted to ignore by focusing on what I can do, what can I do? Damm worked all day, couple extra hours, struggled coding software tests, but the point is...
What else I wanna do?
Can't find a damm answer, except having sex with my girl

My girl is another thing, she knows I have N and I wanna end myself , she's like dad, but still enjoys with being me, wtf?I almost don't get her.

I want a winner mentality, but struggling a work it hardly comes.
Struggling at feeling it
Couple days a week I wanna drink N, I wanted the other day. A friend from my teens just died, I was envious , and I felt better knowing I can off my self any day now, made me felt better but still. Seems like a long way to enjoyment.

And they say I have to see my own progress and strengths, yeah I can


My new counselors is chatGPT and after couple days he brings nothing new either.

I wish I could just buy a new app for my brain to be different, to myself and someone else at the same time.


A kid 1 year below me in highschool, is the country governor, and I've achieved shit, except stopped doing drugs and keeping me alive with a job.

I'm watching Chicago P.D. tv series before going to sleep, damm those TV scripts have a perfect dialogue and personalities ( some of them)

How can I become better brother? I have found almost none thought reprogramming of the mind.

 

[Dosentmatter903]

Yeah kind of exactly like that.

And fuck my brother asking me to read David goggins book, what a bummer. And the stuff about letting go the past, focusing on the present, and thats where the past comes in, and even if attempted to ignore by focusing on what I can do, what can I do? Damm worked all day, couple extra hours, struggled coding software tests, but the point is...
What else I wanna do?
Can't find a damm answer, except having sex with my girl

My girl is another thing, she knows I have N and I wanna end myself , she's like dad, but still enjoys with being me, wtf?I almost don't get her.

I want a winner mentality, but struggling a work it hardly comes.
Struggling at feeling it
Couple days a week I wanna drink N, I wanted the other day. A friend from my teens just died, I was envious , and I felt better knowing I can off my self any day now, made me felt better but still. Seems like a long way to enjoyment.

And they say I have to see my own progress and strengths, yeah I can


My new counselors is chatGPT and after couple days he brings nothing new either.

I wish I could just buy a new app for my brain to be different, to myself and someone else at the same time.


A kid 1 year below me in highschool, is the country governor, and I've achieved shit, except stopped doing drugs and keeping me alive with a job.

I'm watching Chicago P.D. tv series before going to sleep, damm those TV scripts have a perfect dialogue and personalities ( some of them)

How can I become better brother? I have found almost none thought reprogramming of the mind.

Dude I know how u feel...I ordered SN like 2 months ago or so and just had it sitting for the right time...it brings me peace knowing I have it but also A CRAZY amount of anxiety...I just don't know where to take it....I give my self like 3 days before I ctb...only reason I'm not sure of it is because I don't know where to do it...I spent all my cash coming back home so my original plan of going to a hotel it out the window... so like u said it's both a pleasure and it sucks having it