Venting having DID makes life so frustrating

[ashendreams]

sorry if this makes no sense my brain is so scrambled i cant put my thoughts into words. i am referring to Dissociative Identity Disorder also known as Multiple Personality Disorder (thats outdated terminology but its what more people are familiar with) basically any time i think about ctb im met with half the voices in my head going "yeah we should do that" and the other half going "no i wanna live". its just aaaaagh so incredibly frustrating having multiple contradictory opinions on the same thing. and not even just ctb its for everything. i literally cant ever just have a straightforward opinion i have to like and dislike things, want and not want things. it sucks. i cant ever make a real friend because even if one part of me likes them then the other parts wont and they ruin the relationship for everyone. such contradictory desires cant ever all agree on anything. and also it makes my memory completely awful like i cant remember most of my life like even if i had good memories or a good life i wouldnt even know it. AND on top of all that they wont even let me ctb. i tried partial hanging like 3 or 4 times in 2020 and each time one of the other personalities takes over my body and she bails out of the attempt. i was really close to losing consciousness on one attempt. i dunno i guess you can call it just survival instinct. in a way i guess she IS the survival instinct. i just stopped even trying because she would always stop me. but still i hate it so much i just want my head to be quiet i just wanna actually kms. anyway um that was a weird ramble idk. does anyone else relate at all lol

 

[Rynalia]

sorry if this makes no sense my brain is so scrambled i cant put my thoughts into words. i am referring to Dissociative Identity Disorder also known as Multiple Personality Disorder (thats outdated terminology but its what more people are familiar with) basically any time i think about ctb im met with half the voices in my head going "yeah we should do that" and the other half going "no i wanna live". its just aaaaagh so incredibly frustrating having multiple contradictory opinions on the same thing. and not even just ctb its for everything. i literally cant ever just have a straightforward opinion i have to like and dislike things, want and not want things. it sucks.

Being pulled every which way simultaneously for literally everything is fucking terrible. Decision making is a nightmare and no matter what is picked, it never feels right. Ugh. (⁠￣⁠ヘ⁠￣⁠;⁠)

and also it makes my memory completely awful like i cant remember most of my life like even if i had good memories or a good life i wouldnt even know it.

Majority of my recollections usually involve other people telling me stuff I've done or events that took place. I don't know anything more depressing than people recounting a majority of your life for you. When I hear it... Sometimes it just seems so fake. Like. I should remember something like that, if it happened right? But nah. Not even a shred. ╮⁠(⁠.⁠ ⁠❛⁠ ⁠ᴗ⁠ ⁠❛⁠.⁠)⁠╭

AND on top of all that they wont even let me ctb. i tried partial hanging like 3 or 4 times in 2020 and each time one of the other personalities takes over my body and she bails out of the attempt. i was really close to losing consciousness on one attempt. i dunno i guess you can call it just survival instinct. in a way i guess she IS the survival instinct. i just stopped even trying because she would always stop me. but still i hate it so much i just want my head to be quiet i just wanna actually kms. anyway um that was a weird ramble idk.

Yep. Yep. YEP. (⁠*⁠﹏⁠*⁠;⁠)

Sabotage everywhere, and not even only on attempts. Sabotaged trying to live. Sabotaged trying to die. (⁠˘⁠･⁠_⁠･⁠˘⁠)

does anyone else relate at all lol

Relatable is an understatement. (⁠｡⁠ŏ⁠﹏⁠ŏ⁠)

 

[ashendreams]

Decision making is a nightmare and no matter what is picked, it never feels right.

Majority of my recollections usually involve other people telling me stuff I've done or events that took place.

Sabotage everywhere, and not even only on attempts. Sabotaged trying to live. Sabotaged trying to die.

exactly exactly exactly. thanks for adding these theyre all completely true for me as well. im glad someone else here gets it.