Stupid_Anon_Offline
Biggest Worst Loser
- May 5, 2024
- 30
Hey, yall. I said goodbye a bit ago, but it didn't work out. so here's my rant about how shitty I am. it's the only way I know to cope.
I'm tierd all the time now. like, really fucking tired. so that doesn't help my situation at all. after feeling great from my new medication, I'm starting to crumble again. I'm seen one way by everyone who knows me.
I'm the mean one. I'm asshole. I'm all those bad words that get thrown at me.
and I'm fine with that, hell, even happy with that sometimes! I am a generally shitty person, I love to start shit for no reason, be the center of attention, and do nothing to change because most of the time I feel like a god among men, better than the rest and all important. but it doesn't stop me from hating myself forever. I know I'm unlovable because of who I am. I know people want me dead. and I'm fine with that. but in my effort to stay seen the way I truly am, I can't open up to anyone, even those who don't see me this way. I can't let myself cry, can't let myself be weak, and I don't even want to go back to therapy now because that would be someone telling me I have worth outside of my magical god complex ego I've made myself so people don't come near me anymore and so their opinions don't matter to me.
my dad loves me, my grandparents love me, my step mom loves me, my few friends love me. I have people who don't see how horrible I am who still care. but that makes me even more suicidal. I would cause so much pain by my death, and that just pushes me closer to it. it would be funny to watch from hell as everyone I cared about sobbed over the loss of someone as horrible as me.
If anyone has any advice on how to end it quick, best ways to numb myself for it, all that stuff, lmk, it would be of great help.
I'm tierd all the time now. like, really fucking tired. so that doesn't help my situation at all. after feeling great from my new medication, I'm starting to crumble again. I'm seen one way by everyone who knows me.
I'm the mean one. I'm asshole. I'm all those bad words that get thrown at me.
and I'm fine with that, hell, even happy with that sometimes! I am a generally shitty person, I love to start shit for no reason, be the center of attention, and do nothing to change because most of the time I feel like a god among men, better than the rest and all important. but it doesn't stop me from hating myself forever. I know I'm unlovable because of who I am. I know people want me dead. and I'm fine with that. but in my effort to stay seen the way I truly am, I can't open up to anyone, even those who don't see me this way. I can't let myself cry, can't let myself be weak, and I don't even want to go back to therapy now because that would be someone telling me I have worth outside of my magical god complex ego I've made myself so people don't come near me anymore and so their opinions don't matter to me.
my dad loves me, my grandparents love me, my step mom loves me, my few friends love me. I have people who don't see how horrible I am who still care. but that makes me even more suicidal. I would cause so much pain by my death, and that just pushes me closer to it. it would be funny to watch from hell as everyone I cared about sobbed over the loss of someone as horrible as me.
If anyone has any advice on how to end it quick, best ways to numb myself for it, all that stuff, lmk, it would be of great help.
