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wandering
- Mar 1, 2023
- 36
havent been here in a while. havent been this depressed in a while i suppose. life feels hopeless again. i feel like such a worthless fuck up. living back with my parents after i got away from my horrible ex boyfriend. i should be happy because i have a roof over my head and friends and a new partner but they all live far away. i feel so fucking lonely all the time. i get bitter and jealous when my friends are being happy living together because it feels so fucking unfair that i have no one. and then i remember its because i dont deserve shit i dont work hard enough for anything i dont deserve fucking anything. im just a fucking mentally ill fuck up that cant fucking pull himself together. im doomed to be fucked up forever, useless forever. the other night i had a fleeting thought about how i dont even have my dog any more to force myself out of bed for. he died at 16 years old in april. i still miss him every day and am haunted by memories of his face when he was being put to sleep, feeling his warmth for the last time, thinking of all the things i wish i did differently. when im not remembering that, new trauma memories seem to surface every fucking day, memories of my ex, memories of horrible things ive lived through, memories of abusers and sexual assault and transphobia and fucking everything. it all leads to me just feeling like the most fucked up being on the planet. why cant i just be normal? fucking why? i want to cut myself so fucking bad and have been wanting to do it for hours now, fighting the urge, but i dont want to any more, at least then ill feel something. if im gonna be a fuck up, might as well commit, right?
