TigerFestival
Sigh
- Aug 21, 2022
- 30
Same with me, except in 2016 and it was only working for a month sigh.
chocolatebar
Paragon
- Jul 11, 2021
- 973
It's hard for me to say, because, except for a sudden realization moment in my childhood, I never had any big event that changed everything. I barely had any event at all...
However, I wasn't as spiritless as I am today. Daily "wear and tear" has destroyed me further.
However, I wasn't as spiritless as I am today. Daily "wear and tear" has destroyed me further.
I also ask myself how people can actually want to live in this world, but I think that deep down they don't. i use to ask people about it if I get an opportunity and so far, not a single one gave me a logically plausible or, at least, a well formulated answer. It happens that, for the "common person", thinking about life and being honest about it pushes them into despair, so they avoid doing that at all costs.
Lily (Osako)
Everything all at once
- Jul 30, 2022
- 381
Thank you so much. I'm so sorry it had such a terrible effect on you.
Have you tried anything else to maybe combat the breakdown? Is it possible?
BipolarExpress
he/him · tired/exhausted
- Nov 11, 2022
- 265
My mental-health downward spiral that led to manic psychosis earlier this year. I've gone through a lot, but this is the closest I've been to actually ending my life. I struggled with suicidal ideation before this, but I wouldn't have gone as far as ordering SN, which I did last month.
I totally get how you're feeling. Diagnosed with BP for over 30 years. It's very draining. I've struggled with SI for what feels like a billion years. I think I'm finally ready. I hope you're able to get whatever clarity you need to figure out how to find your peace.
Gray Wounds
A Phantasmagoria
- Jun 27, 2018
- 575
Gray Wounds
A Phantasmagoria
- Jun 27, 2018
- 575
it would be too revealing of my identity if I tell you. let us just say, this place where I grew up in.
Mental health treatment that didnt work in the end
Berlioz25
New Member
- Nov 14, 2022
- 3
Ineedtodie
Shame, Avoidance, hopelessness, lonliness, cbt, pm
- Nov 9, 2022
- 401
BDD was a big blow, also neglect and unvalidation from childhood. Never stood a chance with this.
Being subjected to repeated, highly invasive and painful medical exams over multiple years, for what turned out to be benign conditions. I've never been offered pain management, though it is standard practice in other countries. I've had more than a dozen speculums forced inside of me over the past 2 years, every exam now feels like I'm being raped. They keep telling me it was necessary for my health, even when I told them I was in pain, refused or revoked my consent verbally, they would never listen to me. There is only one clinic in my city that offers this sort of cancer care so I couldn't simply just go somewhere else. I often wish that it had been cancer so I wouldn't have had to suffer under doctors "care" for such a long period of time, I only started getting better lab results after I started refusing treatment... imagine that. All of that poking and prodding, the endless biopsies and samples for years and years, the anxiety of waiting for results between appointments, the medical PTSD that I now have to live with... for no reason. I'm told I should be happy that I don't have cancer, that I should be grateful. I haven't felt safe in my body for over 8 years, I still have frequent flash backs and vivid nightmares. I regularly see two therapists but it never really gets better, not for long anyway. Earlier this month I had a hysterectomy as a last resort because the repeated procedures have left me with chronic pain and sexual dysfunction. I'm 33, unmarried, no children and no purpose in life because I cannot seem to move on from the trauma. I will never go to a gynecologist again.
StrangeAndDeath
Exhausted Human
- Oct 12, 2022
- 118
I have always known deep down that life was worthless since I was 12. I continued being positive because I was religious. However, earlier this year, I got frustrated and confronted "God" about the state of the world and stuff. I obviously received nothing in response, so I realized that I had probably been living in a society induced delusion.
And then I stopped being Christian right then and there. It was liberating but it sapped me of purpose. There was no more point in putting up with this hell. So things went downhill from there
And then I stopped being Christian right then and there. It was liberating but it sapped me of purpose. There was no more point in putting up with this hell. So things went downhill from there
It hurts SO much to read the people who were broken because of being the "unwanted child"
Because what broke me is having that unwanted child
an accidental pregnancy when I was already struggling & wanting to leave my marriage. I wanted to give him up for adoption a- not because I didn't love him but because I loved him furiously, deeply & completely but I knew I wouldn't be capable of being a good mother to him. Then he turns out to have autism & ADHD. He is violent & impulsive so I don't really take him out in public & my daughters and I live with the threat of constant physical violence from him.
He is the child who has broken my spirit completely
And the worst thing is absolutely that someday, he will probably be on a group like this saying that it was the fact his mother didn't want him that has broken him
Vicious cycle
Because what broke me is having that unwanted child
an accidental pregnancy when I was already struggling & wanting to leave my marriage. I wanted to give him up for adoption a- not because I didn't love him but because I loved him furiously, deeply & completely but I knew I wouldn't be capable of being a good mother to him. Then he turns out to have autism & ADHD. He is violent & impulsive so I don't really take him out in public & my daughters and I live with the threat of constant physical violence from him. He is the child who has broken my spirit completely
And the worst thing is absolutely that someday, he will probably be on a group like this saying that it was the fact his mother didn't want him that has broken him
Vicious cycle
makethepainstop
Visionary
- Sep 16, 2022
- 2,029
If this site gets shut down by busybody do-gooders, I think that would push me right over the edge.
God.
I believed because God loves me i'd always be ok.
Then time showed me otherwise.
Time.
Now its all empty. No love nor any good, nor faith, nor hope.
'who told you about God?' HaHaHa!
even death is not in my reach
God.
I believed because God loves me i'd always be ok.
Then time showed me otherwise.
Time.
Now its all empty. No love nor any good, nor faith, nor hope.
'who told you about God?' HaHaHa!
even death is not in my reach
Really???
God.
I believed because God loves me i'd always be ok.
Then time showed me otherwise.
Time.
Now its all empty. No love nor any good, nor faith, nor hope.
'who told you about God?' HaHaHa!
even death is not in my reach
Really???
God.
I believed because God loves me i'd always be ok.
Then time showed me otherwise.
Time.
Now its all empty. No love nor any good, nor faith, nor hope.
'who told you about God?' HaHaHa!
even death is not in my reach
Really???
You are not the only one hurt by God. I was hurt by God's silence as much as by my suffering. I prayed for seven years but nothing happened now I have reached to the point where even praying make no sense at all. I consider it a go ahead from God with my suicide plan. I feel God is not against my suicide. I believe he understand I need to come to him very soon.
Source Energy
I want to be where people areN'T...
- Jan 23, 2023
- 705
Now imagine losing the job of your life AND the love of your life in the same time...
Yes, it can break your soul beyond repair.
starlover
Member
- Apr 28, 2023
- 53
Losing my favorite hobby to physical issues.
I was starting to build a community through that activity. I've been alone for so long now; that community meant a lot to me. That's all gone now and I'm back to zero.
Have not recovered from that loss yet. And the near-term future looks so much worse for me.
Haven't decided to ctb because I don't want to hurt my family, but for all intents and purposes I'm already dead inside. The only thing that brings me any shred of joy now is watching movies or shows that take me out of my reality. Soon as the show ends I immediately, immediately fall back into agony. And even then... last two times I went to the movies I broke down in tears during the show.
Yeah, pretty broken.
I was starting to build a community through that activity. I've been alone for so long now; that community meant a lot to me. That's all gone now and I'm back to zero.
Have not recovered from that loss yet. And the near-term future looks so much worse for me.
Haven't decided to ctb because I don't want to hurt my family, but for all intents and purposes I'm already dead inside. The only thing that brings me any shred of joy now is watching movies or shows that take me out of my reality. Soon as the show ends I immediately, immediately fall back into agony. And even then... last two times I went to the movies I broke down in tears during the show.
Yeah, pretty broken.
I wish I were a cat
Sleep is good, death is better.
- Apr 14, 2023
- 67
Humanity in general but to be more specific, being vegan in a non vegan world has completely broken my spirit and soul. So much unecessary suffering
BrutalWorldNot4me
Member
- Apr 7, 2023
- 31
I was fine until my growth spurt, now constant back pain from scoliosi.
hamvil
Wizard
- Aug 29, 2022
- 650
I did los the love of my lif ein the seme time. She is alive bue byond my reach now and I managed to r break also teh friendhsip so I will not eschange a word or a message ever with her forwever. I hope that when I am close to going she will want to say at least goodbye. Sorry for the typo my med are giving me motor control problems.
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Valky
Petulant Child
- Apr 4, 2023
- 1,331
charlotte_
Arcanist
- Mar 12, 2023
- 435
It's a lot of things since I fall into this spiral of depression several times in my life, but perhaps it is mostly caused by failure. I have horrible self criticism and perfectionism, and people around me also put a lot of expectations on me. Even the slightest of mistakes, could instantly made me feel hopeless and want to give up. I've never been able to fully like something, never been able to feel good of myself and never escape from the judgement of others.
BloodyNobody
AshIsOurPurestForm✨
- May 25, 2021
- 62
ringo99
Arcanist
- Apr 18, 2023
- 495
This might sound bizarre but chatgpt. I was hanging onto my job by a thread as it is. I chose the wrong career path and it's way too late to change at my age. I was already being overtaken by younger, smarter people who have the drive to succeed something that was kicked out of me years ago. I'm just a mindless zombie clocking in and out now and was hoping to limp along till 50. But now with AI my days are numbered. Just hanging on until I'm fired which will be the signal for me to ctb at last.
My mother's demise. She was the only one for me and now, I'm just so f**king alone and done. To be fair, life sucked even when she was around but it was bearable. Now, I just reminisce about those days. My current life is a perfect synonym for hell. I live with people who are everything one shouldn't be. I am just looking for a way out but it seems so damn hard.
Challu
Life boat
- Aug 29, 2022
- 258
only my own reasonings about the world have broken me.
blank_slab
Crazy crazed person
- May 17, 2023
- 105
I know it's dumb but when i went to prom a long while ago i truly realized that everyone around me doesn't care and just lets me stay around because they don't want to tell me to leave them alone i felt so useless that night i nearly couldn't function the next day i just always thought that my best friends would actually be there for me but i was just an idealist hoping that someone would be there to comfort me
My husband.
Love is such a weird feeling. I've been in really long relationships before him (2-4 years usually) but after meeting him I realized that I never loved any of my previous partners. It was an incredibly short time frame too which is still somewhat unbelievable even though I experienced it myself.
I truly love him but I'm tired and after meeting him I came to the realization that this feeling won't ever go away. I've waited around long enough to be sure of it. I'm insanely glad that I met him as he showed me what true happiness and love really means but it also made me realize that if life doesn't "work out" with him by my side, it simply won't work out. Not alone and for sure not with anyone else.
He's helped me with my past trauma, healed me and helped me grow since I met him but even with all that it's sadly not enough. I don't want to put the blame on him, as he's at least at some points really tried his best and I can't be mad at him for getting tired of constantly helping me. I just want to put an end to it, for the both of us.
Love is such a weird feeling. I've been in really long relationships before him (2-4 years usually) but after meeting him I realized that I never loved any of my previous partners. It was an incredibly short time frame too which is still somewhat unbelievable even though I experienced it myself.
I truly love him but I'm tired and after meeting him I came to the realization that this feeling won't ever go away. I've waited around long enough to be sure of it. I'm insanely glad that I met him as he showed me what true happiness and love really means but it also made me realize that if life doesn't "work out" with him by my side, it simply won't work out. Not alone and for sure not with anyone else.
He's helped me with my past trauma, healed me and helped me grow since I met him but even with all that it's sadly not enough. I don't want to put the blame on him, as he's at least at some points really tried his best and I can't be mad at him for getting tired of constantly helping me. I just want to put an end to it, for the both of us.
