I have only been a member of SaSu for a short time but the overwhelming fact is that almost everyone is substantially younger than me (m60). The second thing that strikes me is that many of the thread themes are about lack of happiness in all aspects of life and how many of the members here feel somehow like failures because they are not "happy". Now, all of you have no reason to give me any credence - an old guy on a suicide site is the very definition of failure... but, I can say without any doubt that I have been where a lot you are now. Failed CTB attempts? Check? Involuntary hospitalizations? Check. Waking up in a hotel room covered in vomit and urine? Check - it was a failed CTB attempt and not a wild Saturday night. I have felt like a failure literally my entire life -my failures are too long to list but I can say that when I see people list less than 10 major life mistakes, I think those are rookie numbers.
I am not happy now and I can not recall being happy ever....but I am content a lot of the times. Society has foisted this false god of "Happiness" on us - it has migrated from spiritual happiness to family happiness and now it has transformed into abundance happiness and manifestation. I tried it all and guess what? I am not happy. Hell, I spent thousands on high-end Ketamine therapy and all I got was a great trip. Now, I look for reasons not to CTB - my daughter has a sports competition coming up in January; the house needs some work and it would be unfair to leave my wife dealing with that while handling my estate. I do not have a succession plan at the office and that is unfair to the staff.
Will I CTB eventually, yes. But I look at CTB as a one time gift that is the ultimate proof of individual choice. It is not brave or cowardly - it simply is a choice we have. The concept of CTB has allowed me to pick myself up from failures and try again. Afterall, I can always end it if I fail - but then I fail and tell myself, just one more time, see what happens, and I can always CTB if I fail again.
My advice - for what it's worth - is don't focus on happiness. Focus on getting through today and then tomorrow. If that is too difficult, then just make it to lunch. And if that is too difficult, then just focus on breathing while staying in bed. Even now, there are times I phone my office and let them know I have the flu and will not be coming in. Then I just lay in bed and try to make it until the next morning. After a while, I found that life became less miserable and I am able to enjoy little things. Many of you have the most precious commodity - time. 22? 25? 40? I would give up almost anything to be that young again. Not because it was such a great time for me, but because I would not be so hard on myself. Self-compassion seems to be the key. You can always CTB tomorrow, or next week or next month - and if I could, I would give each of you a big hug and let you know, things can get better but it starts with giving yourself some grace to fail. And if things truly don't get better next month, then there is always CTB.
I am not happy now and I can not recall being happy ever....but I am content a lot of the times. Society has foisted this false god of "Happiness" on us - it has migrated from spiritual happiness to family happiness and now it has transformed into abundance happiness and manifestation. I tried it all and guess what? I am not happy. Hell, I spent thousands on high-end Ketamine therapy and all I got was a great trip. Now, I look for reasons not to CTB - my daughter has a sports competition coming up in January; the house needs some work and it would be unfair to leave my wife dealing with that while handling my estate. I do not have a succession plan at the office and that is unfair to the staff.
Will I CTB eventually, yes. But I look at CTB as a one time gift that is the ultimate proof of individual choice. It is not brave or cowardly - it simply is a choice we have. The concept of CTB has allowed me to pick myself up from failures and try again. Afterall, I can always end it if I fail - but then I fail and tell myself, just one more time, see what happens, and I can always CTB if I fail again.
My advice - for what it's worth - is don't focus on happiness. Focus on getting through today and then tomorrow. If that is too difficult, then just make it to lunch. And if that is too difficult, then just focus on breathing while staying in bed. Even now, there are times I phone my office and let them know I have the flu and will not be coming in. Then I just lay in bed and try to make it until the next morning. After a while, I found that life became less miserable and I am able to enjoy little things. Many of you have the most precious commodity - time. 22? 25? 40? I would give up almost anything to be that young again. Not because it was such a great time for me, but because I would not be so hard on myself. Self-compassion seems to be the key. You can always CTB tomorrow, or next week or next month - and if I could, I would give each of you a big hug and let you know, things can get better but it starts with giving yourself some grace to fail. And if things truly don't get better next month, then there is always CTB.
