PeterRabbit28064212
28:06:42:12
- Jan 28, 2024
- 11
while of course i am well aware that things like mental illness and suicidality can impact anyone regardless of their current life situations i can't help but feel so guilty for still being this way. i've been suicidal sense i was 12 and fascinated with the topic of death for even longer. and through out the years my suicidal urges and such have become more "realistic" i guess i could say.
back in the start of November i was planning on ctb-ing (on the 6th, i had a competetion that day for my sport and was planning on ctb when i got home) but decided last minute not to because a friend invited me over to get dinner and stay at her place and i felt bad saying no. a few weeks later on a retreat with a local queer organization i met a guy who is now my bf.
i love him so much and he really does bring so much joy into my life and its crazy to think that if i went through with my attempt a few weeks prior i may never have met him. and thats all amazing and wonderful i never doubt what a blessing it is to have someone in my life who loves me the way he does (even if im lowkey convinced he will wake up one day and hate me but thats a whole other thing)
the point is i still want to die. and i feel so guilty about it. i feel horrible looking at methods or day dreaming about what to put in my notes. idk i feel like i owe it to him to give him the satisfaction of having "cured me". but thats just not how it works. i feel like a monster for talking to new people and making new friends (and again even a partner) when in my mind i am just praying for a way out. i am only inflicting pain upon others by talking to them.
i often find myself wishing that if i had to be "born" that it wasnt a birth but instead that i was somehow spawned into a white void all alone. that way i wouldnt have to burden people with my issues when im alive and i wont have to burden them with the pain and guilt when im dead. its a lose lose situation. live or die i hurt those around me. it's unfair and cruel of me to have started going out with someone when i know i will always be like this. but at the same time he means so much to me i dont ever want to have to leave him until the very end. i wish i could give my loved ones the satisfaction of being able to say they saved me. i feel like a peace of shit for denying them that.
back in the start of November i was planning on ctb-ing (on the 6th, i had a competetion that day for my sport and was planning on ctb when i got home) but decided last minute not to because a friend invited me over to get dinner and stay at her place and i felt bad saying no. a few weeks later on a retreat with a local queer organization i met a guy who is now my bf.
i love him so much and he really does bring so much joy into my life and its crazy to think that if i went through with my attempt a few weeks prior i may never have met him. and thats all amazing and wonderful i never doubt what a blessing it is to have someone in my life who loves me the way he does (even if im lowkey convinced he will wake up one day and hate me but thats a whole other thing)
the point is i still want to die. and i feel so guilty about it. i feel horrible looking at methods or day dreaming about what to put in my notes. idk i feel like i owe it to him to give him the satisfaction of having "cured me". but thats just not how it works. i feel like a monster for talking to new people and making new friends (and again even a partner) when in my mind i am just praying for a way out. i am only inflicting pain upon others by talking to them.
i often find myself wishing that if i had to be "born" that it wasnt a birth but instead that i was somehow spawned into a white void all alone. that way i wouldnt have to burden people with my issues when im alive and i wont have to burden them with the pain and guilt when im dead. its a lose lose situation. live or die i hurt those around me. it's unfair and cruel of me to have started going out with someone when i know i will always be like this. but at the same time he means so much to me i dont ever want to have to leave him until the very end. i wish i could give my loved ones the satisfaction of being able to say they saved me. i feel like a peace of shit for denying them that.
