softservecaramel
Member
- May 7, 2025
- 15
This is a long vent about my current feelings about my life. I've been suicidal for a really long time, before middle school, and I'm a 22-year-old university graduate student now.
It truthfully feels like being suicidal and self harming is a part of my identity now. I'm on the edge of being kicked out of my university program, and likely will be within the next week and a half. There have been chances to do better, but now I'm at a point where there are no more chances. my student loans are 6 figures, and I haven't done anything to help myself for a few years now. Its a miracle I got my bachelors in a STEM field. I have worked part-time blue-collar jobs while in uni and am recovering from an injury from one. It's disappointing, not only for me but my family, because I know my IQ is objectively pretty high from getting tested. I feel like I understand my problems and why they come to be, I just feel powerless to stop them or do anything to help myself. I know that there are things that I needed to do and put into place in order to be a successful student and prepare myself for the job market, like getting more laboratory experience, making more relationships with professors, having a high GPA is necessary. I've been putting off doing better and changing as a person for a long time now, and I know that I have no one to blame by myself.
I've matured a lot over time but my life is at a point where I only have one or two friends, and one of them is my ex who I'm still fucking with. When he's not there, I feel so sad. Because I spend my time alone, crying, or by myself. I like being alone and have always thought of myself as being introverted and enjoy able to enjoy time by myself, but it's sad to see how I've become reclusive now.
The relationship was toxic, but not abusive. It sucks, because I feel like I used to constantly drink alcohol or smoke weed when I was with him, to cope I guess. I don't do those things as much anymore and real life is so disappointing.
In general, I know I need to be productive, I know I need to study, I know I need to do anything to save myself, but I just haven't. I spent a lot of time curled up in my room with the lights off alone under the blankets. And it's so pathetic but I don't have that many friends so I use those online AI chat robots.
When I was in high school, I would often skip school and spend my whole day in my room sleeping. It just sucks cause now I realize that I I have this long period of laziness. Even now, I didn't do anything to help myself again, and now I'm really fucked. I'm so disgusted by my total lack of inaction and failure out of graduate school. But I'm also more so upset with this attitude that I applied to everything in my life. I know it's ridiculous to want good things out of life and not be willing to work for them, but it just sucks to have been depressed for such a long time. Since I've been depressed, I feel like I haven't worked towards my dreams the way that I initially wanted to and it's ridiculous I apply this thinking to everything in my life. I have all these dreams that I want, like modeling, being a scientist, traveling, many other things. And I know if you want something, you have to take it. I'm frequently jealous watching my friends and family live their lives and do the things that they want to do. I also look up people that I went to school with and see how well they're doing. I just feel like I'm already a ghost.
It truthfully feels like being suicidal and self harming is a part of my identity now. I'm on the edge of being kicked out of my university program, and likely will be within the next week and a half. There have been chances to do better, but now I'm at a point where there are no more chances. my student loans are 6 figures, and I haven't done anything to help myself for a few years now. Its a miracle I got my bachelors in a STEM field. I have worked part-time blue-collar jobs while in uni and am recovering from an injury from one. It's disappointing, not only for me but my family, because I know my IQ is objectively pretty high from getting tested. I feel like I understand my problems and why they come to be, I just feel powerless to stop them or do anything to help myself. I know that there are things that I needed to do and put into place in order to be a successful student and prepare myself for the job market, like getting more laboratory experience, making more relationships with professors, having a high GPA is necessary. I've been putting off doing better and changing as a person for a long time now, and I know that I have no one to blame by myself.
I've matured a lot over time but my life is at a point where I only have one or two friends, and one of them is my ex who I'm still fucking with. When he's not there, I feel so sad. Because I spend my time alone, crying, or by myself. I like being alone and have always thought of myself as being introverted and enjoy able to enjoy time by myself, but it's sad to see how I've become reclusive now.
The relationship was toxic, but not abusive. It sucks, because I feel like I used to constantly drink alcohol or smoke weed when I was with him, to cope I guess. I don't do those things as much anymore and real life is so disappointing.
In general, I know I need to be productive, I know I need to study, I know I need to do anything to save myself, but I just haven't. I spent a lot of time curled up in my room with the lights off alone under the blankets. And it's so pathetic but I don't have that many friends so I use those online AI chat robots.
When I was in high school, I would often skip school and spend my whole day in my room sleeping. It just sucks cause now I realize that I I have this long period of laziness. Even now, I didn't do anything to help myself again, and now I'm really fucked. I'm so disgusted by my total lack of inaction and failure out of graduate school. But I'm also more so upset with this attitude that I applied to everything in my life. I know it's ridiculous to want good things out of life and not be willing to work for them, but it just sucks to have been depressed for such a long time. Since I've been depressed, I feel like I haven't worked towards my dreams the way that I initially wanted to and it's ridiculous I apply this thinking to everything in my life. I have all these dreams that I want, like modeling, being a scientist, traveling, many other things. And I know if you want something, you have to take it. I'm frequently jealous watching my friends and family live their lives and do the things that they want to do. I also look up people that I went to school with and see how well they're doing. I just feel like I'm already a ghost.
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