Got my SN, now just trying to set the day

[FallFadesIntoWinter]

I got my SN a couple of weeks ago and now I'm just trying to figure out what day to do it.

I know it'll be during the day during the week, when everyone is working. I plan on doing it in this nice, idyllic forest near my place (it's dense enough that it'll be private and there's no chance of being interrupted or discovered by anyone).

At this point though, I feel like I'm just making excuses for the inevitable. First, I wanted to do it before the New Year, so I didn't have to see another year come in. Now, I'm waiting for my dad to come back from his vacation (he's gone for a couple of weeks on a long, overdue trip that he really deserves) because I don't want him to get that call while he's out of the country.

To top everything off, I actually had a decent Christmas and NYE, even though it would've been so much easier to have a crappy holiday season to make my decision to end things justified. And then I get a chance to apply for two pretty good jobs now, which is the last thing I needed (as in hope) because false hope has been the catalyst in 2022 for me. A new job with a chance to get out of debt would give me a 180-degree turn in my life, which gives me too much hope (false or not) right now.

I don't know what to do these days... do I wait for another 7-10 days and see what happens with these jobs or do I just go out with the SN knowing I waited and waited for hope and it just never came?

 

[Angi]

You know what is so beautiful about having the option to kill yourself? Several things, actually, but one of them is that it is here for you. Seems like your method is not running away, so you can enjoy your hope as long as it lasts. If it plays out, it plays out, and if it fails waiting will have taken nothing from you.

 

[jodes2]

Hope is a good thing. Take it as a sign you might be able to eventually really enjoy life again. Don't throw away the possibility! You still have your method as a last resort if you need it. That's what it should be, a last resort, when ell else fails unfixable. You only get one life, people around you only have this one chance to have you.

 

[Red-Eyed-and-Blue]

Not at all trying to sound like a pro-lifer here, but the cliche pro-life line of suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem" is true to a certain extent. Catching the bus is a right that everyone has, however, if the primary motivation for ending your life is to escape debt or the inability to start a career, then I'd carefully consider your options here. For many people - especially those here I imagine - the anguish of living is a permanent problem that only ctb will solve. Financial problems are usually fixable - if you see a viable path to actually being content in life I'd say go for it. If everything is unfixable, like the poster above says, you always have the option to end things.

 

[FallFadesIntoWinter]

You know what is so beautiful about having the option to kill yourself? Several things, actually, but one of them is that it is here for you. Seems like your method is not running away, so you can enjoy your hope as long as it lasts. If it plays out, it plays out, and if it fails waiting will have taken nothing from you.

100% right, you get it too... I'm not looking forward to this at all but I really did get the SN as a last-ditch effort to stop all of this. I've been on such a bad streak lately in 2022, I feel like nothing I do will get me out of the hole I dug and, yet, I still try.

Hope is a good thing. Take it as a sign you might be able to eventually really enjoy life again. Don't throw away the possibility! You still have your method as a last resort if you need it. That's what it should be, a last resort, when ell else fails unfixable. You only get one life, people around you only have this one chance to have you.

It's def a last resort, I have it as an insurance policy in case things go from bad to worse. That in itself is kinda comforting... the thought of using it isn't though.

Not at all trying to sound like a pro-lifer here, but the cliche pro-life line of suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem" is true to a certain extent. Catching the bus is a right that everyone has, however, if the primary motivation for ending your life is to escape debt or the inability to start a career, then I'd carefully consider your options here. For many people - especially those here I imagine - the anguish of living is a permanent problem that only ctb will solve. Financial problems are usually fixable - if you see a viable path to actually being content in life I'd say go for it. If everything is unfixable, like the poster above says, you always have the option to end things.

I get what you're saying and I agree to a certain point too.

I think people who commit suicide just get tired of fighting it (life), like they've taken too many hits/punches along the way. I've also lived a really good life too. I've done some amazing things, met some amazing people, done work I'm really proud of and had relationships in which I learned a lot from. I've also fucked up a lot in my life too (nothing bad as in criminal activity or destroying things), I've hurt people along the way and blown a lot of opportunities too because I never thought I deserved them or deserved to be happy.

My financial problems are fixable-ish... I would need about $100,000 Cdn to fix them properly I suppose (I owe some money but the rest would be to get myself in a better position to make more money too). The thing is about money: You need it to get ahead to make more money in order to survive. I'm educated for sure but I need to get re-educated again to compete with younger people who just graduated (in my field of work, like most, the pressure is on to learn all the time to keep up). I don't have a family to support, thank goodness, and the money I owe is just for credit cards I had to max out during 2020 when the pandemic was going on. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, gamble or go to strip clubs, so I don't waste my $$$, I just need more of it to get ahead.

I'm just tired though at this point. The SN was from a very reliable source and it was bought for the purpose of when I think I've run out of options or I can't fight anymore, I would use it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I just think that after all, only you know what is best, other people cannot say as after all they are not experiencing your life. But at least you have the option of a method for when the time is right and you have your location planned out so you can just exit if that is what you wish for. I like the sound of ctb in an isolated forest personally. And at least to me, I can imagine that it must be a relief just having that way out, I believe that those who have the SN by their side right now are so incredibly fortunate. But anyway, best of luck.

 

[FallFadesIntoWinter]

I just think that after all, only you know what is best, other people cannot say as after all they are not experiencing your life. But at least you have the option of a method for when the time is right and you have your location planned out so you can just exit if that is what you wish for. I like the sound of ctb in an isolated forest personally. And at least to me, I can imagine that it must be a relief just having that way out, I believe that those who have the SN by their side right now are so incredibly fortunate. But anyway, best of luck.

I always thought a forest would be an ideal place to ctb. It's private, it's serene and the sounds, smell and sights of nature will most likely be a good way to calm yourself down before you do it (clarity is always a good thing). Besides, I couldn't do it in a motel/hotel or someone's home, I wouldn't want to traumatize anyone finding me so soon afterwards. At least in the forest I'm going to, it's huge and pretty private, no need to worry about someone interrupting me at all. It a perfect scenario, no one would ever find me, I would just eventually become part of the earth over time, best thing really.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Like other people have said- only you can decide on when the time feels right. I would say though- there do seem to be a few lifelines here and there for you at the moment. If you're tempted- why not see where they go? The SN will always be there- it lasts for years unopened. Don't feel pressured into doing anything. Maybe just see how you feel over the next coming days/weeks. Even if you take the job and it ends up disappointing you- the option to CTB will still be there. I wish you all the best- whatever you decide.

 

[FallFadesIntoWinter]

Like other people have said- only you can decide on when the time feels right. I would say though- there do seem to be a few lifelines here and there for you at the moment. If you're tempted- why not see where they go? The SN will always be there- it lasts for years unopened. Don't feel pressured into doing anything. Maybe just see how you feel over the next coming days/weeks. Even if you take the job and it ends up disappointing you- the option to CTB will still be there. I wish you all the best- whatever you decide.

Thank you for the kind words.

Honestly, at this point, I can feel the day getting closer for me. I don't know the stages of suicide ideation (if there are any at all) but I'm past the point of despair and regret now. I think I've gone through every emotion as well, both good and bad. And you're right too, I'll know when it's the right time to do it. I just feel it getting closer though and, fuck me, I wish I could do it now as there's a warm spell in my area now with the weather, it would be so much better to be in the forest I chose in these temperatures than freezing my ass off weeks from now.