Goodbye

[mob]

I'm pretty late but I remember seeing and reading your threads. I'm sorry and I hope you're resting well.

 

[Ε. Η. R.]

It is very sad. I understand that he should not have left. He could have been helped, like many here.
I don't devalue his pain. But he mistakenly considered himself a failure.

 

[dizzdesi]

i hope you're resting well and happy avaruus

 

[LonelyKitten]

I know you can't see this but your mom actually did leave a comment on your youtube channel using your account

That comment is heartbreaking, oh my god.
I don't read excessive anger, hatred or blame.
Just regret and well wishes to her departed.
That is strong coming from a parent.
I wish her and other grieving folks that knew him the best.

Rest in peace...

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

That comment is heartbreaking, oh my god.
I don't read excessive anger, hatred or blame.
Just regret and well wishes to her departed.
That is strong coming from a parent.
I wish her and other grieving folks that knew him the best.

Found some others. These are pretty "matter of fact" compared to the last one, though I'm sure it's probably a combination of broken English and (just in general) not having the words to come up to express what she feels the literal day after it happened.
Most older Scandinavian people generally aren't as talented in English when in comparison to scandinavian millennials / Gen Z




I also just want to say that this is the very reason why I don't think I can honestly go through with CTB. My mom is the most important person to me, and I honestly hope on my life I die before she does. I don't want to live in a world where she isn't around.

Ironically this site has actually made me not want to kill myself. Don't get me wrong I really wanted to die before discovering SS, but seeing all the people who have it way harder than me on top of the fact that it's so much harder to die properly than I presumed it would be has kind of changed my mind about it all. My bad for the rambling. I just hope some people on here feel me on that, and I hope for some others joining this forum had a similar effect.

 

[dreaming_of_pearl]

So, they day has come. My SN came and i just finished rereading punpun yesterday so today is a beautiful day to CTB, haha (HAHAHA)

First of all, i want to thank everyone here. Without this site, I don't think I would have ever even discovered what SN is.
So thank you to each and everyone for the support and advice. I've had more social interactions on this forum in the past month than I've had in 3 years IRL.


Incase you don't know my 'story', i'm a 20 year old loser from Finland.
There isn't actually much i can tell about my 'story'. Because there really isn't one.
But i try to vent and vomit out my thoughts in here, sorry for the incoherent ramblings and bad grammar you're about to witness.

I was born to two loving and caring parents, with two lovely sisters, in one of the happiest countries on earth.
I don't really have any major trauma or chronic illness and such. It's just that i'm fundamentally bad at life, it's not like I was set up for failure, as many people are
I'm fully aware that many people are born unwanted into some 3rd world country, maybe with some disabilites or chronic illnesses.
Even here, many people are going to CTB because they suffer from trauma, chronic pain or some other "external" factor in life.
But not me. I have a healthy body and was wanted by my parents, even though I do remember them mentioning that I was an accident (lol).
Regardless, I was met with love and care when I entered this world, and i'm thankful for that.
The world is mine to conquer!
Yet here i am, given everything yet unable to accomplish anything. I was never the best at anything, i never really even got good at anything.
It's because i'm fundamentally flawed.


I was always bad at school, i just didn't give a shit about it. Eventually when i barely gratuated from middle school, i almost instantly dropped out from vocational & high school after trying them both briefly.
I just don't care about school. Tbh, i'm also kinda bitter how everyone always say "school sucks so much", then why do you go there? I don't get it, if it really is that bad as you say, how on earth you get the motivation to study. Because i don't.
I often said to my mother "well, why don't you just start learning chinese if it's so easy to do things that you don't want to".
Of course they still have not learned chinese, because they don't want to.
School and 9-5 working feels the same for me.
And i know i'm shooting myself in the leg here, but maybe that gives you a good idea of how stubborn i am, which is why i need to die.
I cannot survive in this world.

I've always really shy so i never had a girlfriend. Missing out on love probably sucks for the most for me, but it's my and my fault only.
It's not like i'm writing this with hundreds of rejections in the past.
In fact, i've never actually even approached any girl.
I don't want to, i'm scared of rejection. I'd rather die than do that, which is what i'm doing today :P
Being a loser neet virgin, i obviously have met many people in the dark corners of the internet who are in the 'incel' community.
They often talk about how "height" is "everything". I wish it was like that, but it's not.
For the short guys who are insecure about their height, don't worry. I'm tall, but it doesn't matter a one bit when you're rotten from inside out.
Many many women would rather date an interesting & confident short guy than me.

Women like charismatic, interesting and confident guys who can talk about their dreams, goals and passions with a glint in their eye.
Nothing wrong with that, i'm not mad at women.. It's just sucks to be me, because i'm none of those.
I cannot ever be that, i have nothing to offer to anyone.



I discovered this site over a year ago, when i was at a very dark place in my life.
I was searching for methods when i stumbled upon this. I even ordered a rope and got scammed by a deepweb marketplace, so i kind of gave up.

I quickly found myself back in the escapism that has dominated almost my whole life: porn, video games, anime, and mindlessly scrolling through social media all day
But, most of all, I've daydreamed a lot. It's really difficult to explain, as it's so personal and detailed in my head that I cannot properly put it into words.
I've been daydreaming a lot since middle school.
But long story short: I've kinda have started to wake up from this 'daydream', and the brutal realization of my true identity and what my situation really is has hit me really hard.

So i guess my CTB could be labeled as somewhat 'impulsive', since i really didn't think i was actually going to die anytime soon until around the 20th of september.
That's when i started to become more active on this forum. Then, at the start of october, i fucked up my financial situation. Then it just finally really sank in.
I don't belong here.



Anyways, sorry for the ramblings, the plan is to take another 300mg of pregabalin (just took one) and 1mg of clonazepam at 12.00pm.
Then at around 16.00pm (UTC+2) to take the SN. I don't have meto, but YOLO.

Many people who deserve an exit much more than I do struggle to get it.
So i will not give you a middle finger.
I have 1kg of it, will take a shot after a shot until the whole bag is empty.

Just took 300mg of pregabalin about 2 hours ago, it has made me pretty calm.
But i noticed than right now i'm feeling more bitter and irrated rather than sad, anxious and scared.
Maybe this just shows my true colors.

I will be reporting my experience of taking it, and probably vomit out more of my thoughts in this thread throughout the day.

I wish i had something to offer to this world, maybe i would have gotten something in return.
I wish wasn't so insecure, shy, stubborn and shit
I wish I were better at connecting with people; I wish I could have experienced love.
Maybe in another universe.

So for now, Goodbye everyone.

I wish you the best your so strong

 

[Deleted member 65988]

@Life Is My Coffin if that's the case then does this mean Avaruus may have ctb. I also didn't know they had a YouTube channel and reading those comments is truly the reflection of a heartbroken parent.

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

@Life Is My Coffin if that's the case then does this mean Avaruus may have ctb. I also didn't know they had a YouTube channel.

What are you talking about "may have"? his mom literally confirmed it

 

[Deleted member 65988]

What are you talking about "may have"? his mom literally confirmed it

Sorry, I didn't scroll down further to read the comments before your response. Anyway, it's truly sad and I wish his mom finds all the peace she can, I can't imagine being in the shoes of a parent who've lost their child this way.

 

[Mankeli]

Hi , this is an close friend of avaruus please i beg you get out of this site and get help , i made this account to see his other posts and to tell you that avaruus was NOT a loser he was the funniest guy i have ever known we were best friend since 2016 and less close friends befiore that and when i found out what he did i broke , im currently in the mandatlry finnish military and its tough tryong to go through with this i have been crying myself to sleep for a week now im telling you this to tell you how good of a guy he was, his whole fruend grouo is mourning him like hell may he never be forgotten. Please everyone here who is thinking about killing themself dont do it please..

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

Hi , this is an close friend of avaruus please i beg you get out of this site and get help

If you read my comment earlier I noted that being on this site has actually made me not want to kill myself after having prolonged suicidal ideation for years.

Really sorry about your friend though, he seemed like a great kid. I wish he didn't have to do this.

 

[Mankeli]

View attachment 122612
If you read my comment earlier I noted that being on this site has actually made me not want to kill myself after having prolonged suicidal ideation for years.

Really sorry about your friend though, he seemed like a great kid. I wish he didn't have to do this.

Yes i understand your situation but what i have been reading the comments on his other threads i realized how many here are lost daydreaming about suicide and seem really in need of help but instead they are getting advice here on how to kill themself

Yes i understand your situation but what i have been reading the comments on his other threads i realized how many here are lost daydreaming about suicide and seem really in need of help but instead they are getting advice here on how to kill themself

Im not trying to be rude or blame anyone most people here are just lost and not getting the help they really need

Yes i understand your situation but what i have been reading the comments on his other threads i realized how many here are lost daydreaming about suicide and seem really in need of help but instead they are getting advice here on how to kill themself

Im not trying to be rude or blame anyone most people here are just lost and not getting the help they really need

I just dont want the same thing what happened to avaruus to happen to anyone else

 

[Deleted member 65988]

@Mankeli I know you are grieving right now and I understand your meaning behind telling people to leave this website is out of concern and I'm sorry but you don't get to tell people who've come here by choice to leave because you are telling them too. I can't imagine the pain you are in right now and I truly do wish Avaruus did not have to ctb, I wish he stayed around longer to perhaps find semblance of an ability to move past what was bothering him for so long. I'm glad he had a friend like you, this website helps people in many ways than what is thought its primary goal is.

 

[Mankeli]

@Mankeli I know you are grieving right now and I understand your meaning behind telling people to leave this website is out of concern and I'm sorry but you don't get to tell people who've come here by choice to leave because you are telling them too. I can't imagine the pain you are in right now and I truly do wish Avaruus did not have to ctb, I wish he stayed around longer to perhaps find semblance of an ability to move past what was bothering him for so long. I'm glad he had a friend like you, this website helps people in many ways than what is thought its primary goal is.

Yes ofc you have free will and you do what you want no one can force you to anything im sorry if i was coming as offensive or something like that its just i dont want this to happen to anyone else thats why i said if you feel like this site iscan bad influrnce go seek help elsewhere but if this site keeps your mind right go ahead

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Yes ofc you have free will and you do what you want no one can force you to anything im sorry if i was coming as offensive or something like that its just i dont want this to happen to anyone else thats why i said if you feel like this site iscan bad influrnce go seek help elsewhere but if this site keeps your mind right go ahead

I understand where you are coming from, you lost your best friend and it may be because of this website thus you don't want anyone else's loved ones to experience the same thing. I understand your compassion to want people to get help and if people do want help then there's always a chance to give recovery a shot, the option is there as ever. Thank you for being understanding and again, my deepest apologies for your loss, Avaruus was awesome to have around here and when he left, I felt really heavy for while.

 

[dopamine333]

Good trip My friend!

 

[Mankeli]

I understand where you are coming from, you lost your best friend and it may be because of this website thus you don't want anyone else's loved ones to experience the same thing. I understand your compassion to want people to get help and if people do want help then there's always a chance to give recovery a shot, the option is there as ever. Thank you for being understanding and again, my deepest apologies for your loss, Avaruus was awesome to have around here and when he left, I felt really heavy for while.

He was a really caring person he has helped me more than i can count and made me laugh like +10000 times , avaruus is always in my heart and quite frankly wont ever leave there , ill keep this account for a while if you want to chat but then ill delete this i just came here to tell you how good of a guy he was and to find answers why he did what he did and i sure did find them but for now see ya and i hope you all the best with whatever struggles you have

 

[Deleted member 65988]

He was a really caring person he has helped me more than i can count and made me laugh like +10000 times , avaruus is always in my heart and quite frankly wont ever leave there , ill keep this account for a while if you want to chat but then ill delete this i just came here to tell you how good of a guy he was and to find answers why he did what he did and i sure did find them but for now see ya and i hope you all the best with whatever struggles you have

I appreciate that, I really do. I definitely think getting closure from what he posted from his time here will help you bring clarity because for the time he was here, I truly did enjoy his presence even if he did seem eager to leave. You truly had a great friend in him, cherish those memories as much as possible and be strong through this truly heartbreaking time in your life, I wouldn't know what to do myself if I lost a best friend like this either so I understand why you reached out to the forum this way. Thank you for being here to begin with, it takes lot of emotional capacity to come onto this community and try to understand why someone you cared about so much and lost recently did what they did and do so in a non-combative way.

 

[Mankeli]

If somebody comes back to my account after weeks of being away, it's probably my parents.
I'm starting to feel really dizzy now.
I hope i wake up in a better world.


Goodbye.


vision really blurry, no pain tho.


i lov eyou guys!

Mä tiedän että sä et enään nää tätä mutta mä rakastan sua (no homo :D) , kunpa olisin tiennyt kuinka huono sulla on oikeasti olla , en ikinä unohda sua <3 (ps tää on vähä niiku semmone viesti sulle sinne missä ikinä ootkin , et ikinä ollu hirveen uskovainen niin ehkä tää on parempi kun joku rukous tai yms :) toivon että heräät paremmasta maailmasta niinkuin toivoit mutta mä herään huonommasta joka aamu ilman sua

 

[LonelyKitten]

fuck. This is sad...
I obviously didn't know him, but I did enjoy the vibe he brought to the community.
And in one of his last days, he even helped me, actually.

Not only was he clearly someone swell, but even the people we're seeing from his environment have been so understanding and compassionate, both for his passing and suffering and even for the space that on a surface level, many would blame for a person's death (which is nonsense, nobody comes here without already being on the very brink. I count myself to the people that've greatly benefitted in favor of at least, having attempted at all again, to seek recovery, from being on here. Before coming here, I had completely given up)

I'm sorry for your loss. I do want you to know, that many people could be saved if they had connection like that in their lives.
That is something truly admirable on your parts.

 

[Rhizomorph1]

Yes i understand your situation but what i have been reading the comments on his other threads i realized how many here are lost daydreaming about suicide and seem really in need of help but instead they are getting advice here on how to kill themself

Im not trying to be rude or blame anyone most people here are just lost and not getting the help they really need

I just dont want the same thing what happened to avaruus to happen to anyone else

I'm very sorry to hear about your friend. If you read earlier on I offered Avaruus the option to chat, mentioned that there are other options available, etc. He had already made up his mind.

Avaruus was not a loser but he did make a willful decision to die a dignified death; a decision that was his own to make.

I encourage you and any of his family members to seek grief counseling, do some performative gestures in his memory, take the time and space to grieve and support one another. Words cannot do justice for the pain you and his family are feeling; it is unfair. I'm sorry.

We can also work towards preventing the same thing that happened to Avaruus for others by being the stewards of building community, education, etc. for the next generation. The fact is that no individual is responsible. Avaruus made it clear he held no anger or blame; his heart was pure. It is a systemic problem; one of not being able to fit into a larger society that is generally not welcoming.

He made it clear that his family, friends, etc. were all there for him. But there are often issues beyond the family, friends, etc. that are out of our control. We can still work towards rethinking those issues. Every small interaction makes a difference. I promise. In this way, Avaruus can live on through the impact he has had on us and the way we interact with other people; spreading awareness of mental health, community-building, etc.

This forum is of no shortage of "daydreaming" about suicide, and it is one of my biggest issues with the site. At the same time this site plays an important role in providing something that people who would otherwise die violent, painful, lonely deaths can have here: a peaceful, dignified death with companionship. I do think this forum should be more neutral in the language it uses to prevent encouraging people (rather, to simply respect their choice either way). But I also believe it is important to have a place for people who will inevitably commit suicide to be able to die peacefully.

I hope you are able to find peace. Reach out via PM if you want to chat or help process this. I hope Avaruus' mom is also getting lots of support right now. She will need it.

My heart breaks for Avaruus. My heart also feels happy knowing he is at peace and did not suffer in his last moment.
I hope you can hold space in your own heart for both the loss of a friend and the value of a peaceful, dignified choice to leave. It may feel contradictory, but we can be multiple things at once.
Just as such, Avaruus was both hurting, lonely, etc. but was, at the same time, a beautiful, joy-inspiring, funny, kind person who no doubt contributed positively to the world

 

[ManByTheRiver]

@Mankeli I know you can't read this anymore with the account since it has been banned.

Mutta Avaruuden keissi oli kyllä aika paha, ja perheen ja teikäläisen kommenteista päätellen ois sitä toivoa ollu. Ja tiedänkin, että sitä olis ollu siitä määrästä mitä hänen kanssaan puhuin. Valitettavasti vaan oli jotenkin niin syvälle iskostunu se idea, että pitää mennä. Ja oon pahoillani.

 

[!!!!!julpet]

Just so very very sad.

 

[BlockHammer]

I dont know what to say, your story is kindda similar to mine, but the diffrence is that in high school, i was good at something, and it makes my life feel worth for a while. But when im entering colleage, my mental health start to drain out, probably because i realize that what im good at in highschool is nothing special, i realize that the thing i proud of in highschool isn't something special at all, i didn't even makes money out of it. I start to realize im just a mediocore guy, well the reason why i haven't ctb yet cause at least i want to experience office job or should i said 9 to 5 jobs and after that i can make an assesment about my life

For you, i hope you don't regret this decision to cbt and hopefully u will find peace. Also sorry im late to join this converstation

 

[lastcuriosity]

Reading this thread is very sobering indeed. Hope they found what they were looking for. I have very conflicting feelings reading through and seeing all this

 

[-w-]

May this man rest in peace. I hope his Mom can continue moving on even without her son. I truly hope the best for her.

 

[Foxykaavn]

Goodbye have a great journey. I wish I could join you :⁠-⁠)