Goodbye SS (recovery)

[greyhound]

I somehow am no longer suicidal. I came this close to doing it, even booked the hotel room at the end of Jan. But at the last minute I realized that it wasn't the right decision.

TLDR: Be really careful with suicidal ideation. If for some reason your life miraculously improves, you might find you've burned down everything thinking you're doing to die shortly. Not a great situation to be in.

Basically I was chronically ill and feeling miserable, but my health miraculously improved in Nov after 3 years of pure hell. I don't really know how this happened but I basically feel normalish now. I was already addicted to heroin at that point though. So despite feeling better I somehow managed to keep being suicidal for another couple of months while abusing opiates.

I did a rapid suboxone taper to get off opiates and the past month has been pretty awful. I'm just about off them but still soaking my bed sweating every night. Having to have a couple hot baths a day to keep the chills at bay. There is nothing like the feeling of opiate withdrawl to make you look at your life choices over the past number of years and be like wtf.

Lessons learned: being suicidal is pretty damaging to your life. I really wish I had been thinking at every step - what if you don't kill yourself, will this decision be damaging to your life?

I gave my Nembual to my pharmacist along with the rest of my opiates a few weeks ago. The opiate withdrawl was bad enough that I still had urges to drink it.

I have been interviewing the past week and despite not really having worked in 3 years I somehow already have an offer at $180,000 (job market is crazy). Part of me is just like why the hell didn't you just work the past few years and make some money. It would have probably prevented me from going down this suicidal dope addicted rabbithole this past year. Oh well. I did truly feel terrible until Nov's miracle. I'm just glad I managed to not do it as I had the N since June and was on the edge.

Anyway SS, all the best, I hope you find either solace in death or choose life and recovery.

RIP to @Thegoldenapples who did end up dying in Oct. I hope you found peace my friend.

 

[GentleJerk]

Amazing, I am so glad to hear things have improved that much for you! That's wonderful news and I hope it's only up from here. Good luck and I wish you all the very best, forever and always

 

[june]

Hugs to you mate

 

[CiproKilledMe]

Amazing story! Congrats on getting your life back. Can I ask what your chronic illness was that miraculously resolved?

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

Happy your circumstances have improved. I wish you nothing but peace and success.

 

[Forever Dead]

Glad You have made it through that very dark and frightening tunnel.

 

[spacehardware]

Best of luck to you, so glad for you that things have turned around. Take good care.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you have been through a lot and I'm pleased for you that things improved. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Sherri]

I'm happy for you. All the best to you and all the best in the path you choose in life. A big hug.

 

[greyhound]

Amazing story! Congrats on getting your life back. Can I ask what your chronic illness was that miraculously resolved?

To be perfectly honest and transparent I made some terrible decisions that led to this point. It's hard to fully explain but all I can say is don't ever get involved in esoteric spirituality if you aren't completely mentally stable. I made that mistake and it utterly destroyed my life. I am genuinely somewhat chronically ill but in reality the truly awful periods of the past number years was due to this terrible energy that this sort of unleashed in me.

I quite literally would probably be a millionaire now had I not gone down that path. Some of my former coworkers are retired in their 30s. It really hurts to think about it but all I can do is try to rebuild from 0 now. I think I might end up being a walmart greeter at 70 though as I am financially ruined from not being able to work for 5 of the past 8 years and cashing in all my retirement savings thinking I would probably CTB shortly anyway.