Goodbye (SN)

[Forever Sleep]

I hope you can be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. It's such a scary thing to do. None of us know how we're going to be when the time comes. I hope you had a good rest.

 

[sanction]

Wow, this sounds so real and raw. You were indeed super close to catching the bus. Damn... I can't imagine the emotions you had to go through and what it must of felt like, especially now having this experience as part of your memory

At least you had more guts than me and got that close to it. Don't be too hard on yourself. You already tried your absolute best, it is definitely not an easy task. Take some rest, regroup for a bit, and then see how things go at a later time

Just know you're not alone. Many of us are also going through difficult times. Sending you a virtual hug and support! Take good care for now

 

[inaminute]

Take all the time you need it's not easy to live or die sleep gives me respite

 

[Abyssal]

Don't beat yourself up over this. Rest, treat yourself well, and do what you can to forgive yourself. Make sure to take the time to reflect on what you wish to do in a day or two after giving yourself a moment to process. We are with you no matter what.

When at my lowest I sleep and go on a walk. Sometimes make hot tea too, it helps my brain slow down. I find distracting helpful, but that's easier said than done.

 

[SVEN]

When it is time, I believe you will know. Until then, you know you are valued and supported here. Everyone gets how challenging it is to take that final, irrevocable step and the decision is always yours, no one elses. So sorry for how letdown you feel, don't be a stranger on SS.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Wow, this sounds so real and raw. You were indeed super close to catching the bus. Damn... I can't imagine the emotions you had to go through and what it must of felt like, especially now having this experience as part of your memory

It's funny, I took a nap first before I tried to do this, but when I woke up, I felt so calm and confident I thought this was it. I had no issues when mixing the SN, or putting the water in. Taking the meds was easy, but when I picked up the glass in my hand... I couldn't do it. Then I was torn between drinking it anyway, or just dumping it out. Dumping out was almost as hard as trying to drink it.

The worst part is that I regretted not drinking it almost immediately. I think I'm still afraid because I don't know what's on the other side. In all honesty, I'm partially expecting to face off against an all powerful, sadistic demiurge. I just wish this was easier.

 

[Klimpop]

Taking the meds was easy, but when I picked up the glass in my hand...

Had you not taken some benzos prior to deal with the SI? Or maybe the time just wasnt right for you.

 

[sanction]

It's funny, I took a nap first before I tried to do this, but when I woke up, I felt so calm and confident I thought this was it. I had no issues when mixing the SN, or putting the water in. Taking the meds was easy, but when I picked up the glass in my hand... I couldn't do it. Then I was torn between drinking it anyway, or just dumping it out. Dumping out was almost as hard as trying to drink it.

The worst part is that I regretted not drinking it almost immediately. I think I'm still afraid because I don't know what's on the other side. In all honesty, I'm partially expecting to face off against an all powerful, sadistic demiurge. I just wish this was easier.

Sorry to hear. I could imagine it being a difficult step to take. I also want to do SN in the future. Sucks that life brought us to this point. Its such a cruel world and reality we're stuck in

We're all just quietly drowning and struggling behind the scenes. Even during our final moments, after all the silent battles over the years, all we have is ourselves. Either way, at least you tried. All the best

 

[useless_friend]

Maybe it's not the right method I don't know but I can't do it. I got so fucking close.
Maybe I'll go out for another cigarette
The cigarette helped calm me down a bit but I still can't do it. I want out so bad but it's hard to do it.

I'm not ready yet. I don't know what I have to do to be ready but I hate this.

I was hoping for it but I didn't find it today unfortunately

I admire your courage, openness and honesty for sharing this. You are not alone - we are all here to support you. There's identification, too: I have "practised" the Night Night method many times, just haven't made that jump. You did not fail today - you made a conscious choice to delay your CBT. You are stronger than you think!

 

[Captive_Mind515]

It's funny, I took a nap first before I tried to do this, but when I woke up, I felt so calm and confident I thought this was it. I had no issues when mixing the SN, or putting the water in. Taking the meds was easy, but when I picked up the glass in my hand... I couldn't do it. Then I was torn between drinking it anyway, or just dumping it out. Dumping out was almost as hard as trying to drink it.

The worst part is that I regretted not drinking it almost immediately. I think I'm still afraid because I don't know what's on the other side. In all honesty, I'm partially expecting to face off against an all powerful, sadistic demiurge. I just wish this was easier.

You showed great courage in the face of something very difficult. But it wasn't your time yet.

I think it's possible to gain something useful from most all experiences in life, especially the ones that feel like crushing defeat at the time.

You now have this experience in your locker, you may be surprised how it gives you strength in the future in unexpected ways - even if it may not feel like that right now.

Best of luck and hopefully peace for whatever happens next for you!

 

[Argo]

It's funny, I took a nap first before I tried to do this, but when I woke up, I felt so calm and confident I thought this was it. I had no issues when mixing the SN, or putting the water in. Taking the meds was easy, but when I picked up the glass in my hand... I couldn't do it. Then I was torn between drinking it anyway, or just dumping it out. Dumping out was almost as hard as trying to drink it.

The worst part is that I regretted not drinking it almost immediately. I think I'm still afraid because I don't know what's on the other side. In all honesty, I'm partially expecting to face off against an all powerful, sadistic demiurge. I just wish this was easier.

I never attempted but I often keep coming back to considering what it'll be like. I just want to echo everyone here who said be kind to yourself, this is not something that's easy to do. One doesn't have to attempt to know it takes a lot to go through with it. I share your fear, and so it's something that should be resolved and made crystal clear before hand.
I think this world infects our minds with that fear mostly because suicide is a taboo for a reason. People get exploited here, they are not valued or nourished, it's more like an uphill obstacle course or a torture chamber. If there is a sadistic demiurge, then it probably doesn't matter if one dies soon or in however many decades. Are the odds in favor of this idea being true, or is this more likely a human invention, and untrue?

 

[trashhologram]

It's funny, I took a nap first before I tried to do this, but when I woke up, I felt so calm and confident I thought this was it. I had no issues when mixing the SN, or putting the water in. Taking the meds was easy, but when I picked up the glass in my hand... I couldn't do it. Then I was torn between drinking it anyway, or just dumping it out. Dumping out was almost as hard as trying to drink it.

The worst part is that I regretted not drinking it almost immediately. I think I'm still afraid because I don't know what's on the other side. In all honesty, I'm partially expecting to face off against an all powerful, sadistic demiurge. I just wish this was easier.

I think it's very normal to hesitate and to be afraid. When you're gone you're gone. You can't reverse that. This wasn't your time to go. Take care of yourself, do something that makes you feel better ❤

 

[Smika1d]

I'm finally ready. I took the meds and now I'm dissolving the SN in a couple glasses. I've gotten close a few times but not this close.

I've been struggling with wanting to die for 6 years now and it's only gotten worse with time. I don't want to see what kind of hell 2024 might bring. Last year had some good moments in it, but not enough to make up for the bad moments.

I don't want to be alive anymore so I'm ready. The SN is mostly dissolved now so I'm hoping I have time for a smoke first.

I'm not going to say goodbye right this second but in the next few minutes.

Hey, would you be comfortable with me messaging you? I have a question about your obtainment

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Had you not taken some benzos prior to deal with the SI? Or maybe the time just wasnt right for you.

I didn't have any benzos and had no good way to get them. It was risky enough just getting the SN and antiemetics, without having to worry about having anything else. I think the time just wasn't right.

Hey, would you be comfortable with me messaging you? I have a question about your obtainment

I'm not really a fan of discussing sources with people I just recently met, but would rather do that with members I know well already. You could be one of those people maybe if I stick around long enough, but it's okay to send a message if you want.

 

[MrDarkness]

Omg how could've I missed this. Fuck man, I wish the best in peace or death, you were a real one man rock on

 

[CheekyPhobia]

I'm sorry things got to this stage. May you find peace on the other side.

 

[rozeske]

Maybe it's not the right method I don't know but I can't do it. I got so fucking close.
Maybe I'll go out for another cigarette
The cigarette helped calm me down a bit but I still can't do it. I want out so bad but it's hard to do it.

I'm not ready yet. I don't know what I have to do to be ready but I hate this.

It's totally alright to backout. It not as easy as it's made out to be. Don't be so hard on your self. This might not have been your time, things will happen when they happen. Eat up, rest and take a moment to think it through. I wish you all the best

 

[AshClouds]

I'm sad to see you go, I remember all the conversations we had in the chat room. You were one of the first people I met on this site. You always had a calm and reassuring presence about you. I'm really going to miss our conversations we had together.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Maybe it's not the right method I don't know but I can't do it. I got so fucking close.
Maybe I'll go out for another cigarette
The cigarette helped calm me down a bit but I still can't do it. I want out so bad but it's hard to do it.

I might have enough for 1 glass but that's it. Other than that it's old SN that is too old to really trust in. I had 2 packages of 50 grams but spilled the first one on my digital scale when I tested it so about half is left. The other package is gone.

I dumped it out but struggled just to do that. I'm starving now so I have to eat.

The worst part is that I regretted not drinking it almost immediately. I think I'm still afraid because I don't know what's on the other side. In all honesty, I'm partially expecting to face off against an all powerful, sadistic demiurge. I just wish this was easier.

Hello @Lost in a Dream,
I'm sorry, and guess your pain is extreme.
I think it's time to show what we are -
Because with us, you are still here.

As people have said, I think you need,
Nourishment, compassion and a rest.
It seems to be too hard to proceed -
I pray for you, wishing you the best.

We are never a suicide cult.
Whether you decide to go or stay,
And regardless of the end result,
May you find peace and relief, we pray

 

[lunarflower]

I've been so close and yet so far many times. SI is a real pain... ~hugs~

 

[PrettyPotato]

It's funny, I took a nap first before I tried to do this, but when I woke up, I felt so calm and confident I thought this was it. I had no issues when mixing the SN, or putting the water in. Taking the meds was easy, but when I picked up the glass in my hand... I couldn't do it. Then I was torn between drinking it anyway, or just dumping it out. Dumping out was almost as hard as trying to drink it.

The worst part is that I regretted not drinking it almost immediately. I think I'm still afraid because I don't know what's on the other side. In all honesty, I'm partially expecting to face off against an all powerful, sadistic demiurge. I just wish this was easier.

Thanks for walking through exactly when you couldn't proceed - I was wondering, as will be in the same situation in a few days.

My plan is to rely on the fact that the part of the brain dealing with SI is *really really* stupid and can't be reasoned with, so I'll tell myself that the glass of sn is protection against poisoning, so I should take it before anything bad happens. Never know, might work!

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Thanks for walking through exactly when you couldn't proceed - I was wondering, as will be in the same situation in a few days.

My plan is to rely on the fact that the part of the brain dealing with SI is *really really* stupid and can't be reasoned with, so I'll tell myself that the glass of sn is protection against poisoning, so I should take it before anything bad happens. Never know, might work!

I tried to force it. I got the glass close to my mouth a few times, trying to make myself do it, but it didn't work out that way. When the time comes for you to try it, it's okay to back out and change your mind if you want. Maybe I can try reminding myself that the part of the brain that does this is irrational as well. The next time might be easier for me that way.

I like your pfp by the way. The potato is adorable.

If not, please ignore my reply and accept my apologies please, I'm so foggy and desperate

It feels too risky to try to send some, because I'm going to keep what's left just in case. If I can manage to get more, I might not need it, but I'm broke right now. I also don't like to share sources with people I don't know well either, but I appreciate your reply to the thread.

No need to apologize, it's just that I don't want to risk getting arrested for shipping SN overseas with the knowledge of how it will be used. Then I might never get another chance to try again. Plus, it wouldn't be good for you to get a welfare check if it gets intercepted.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

When the time comes for you to try it, it's okay to back out and change your mind if you want. Maybe I can try reminding myself that the part of the brain that does this is irrational as well. The next time might be easier for me that way.

Sometimes, its as if our body knows what we're trying to do and will stop at nothing to make sure that drink isn't taken.

Some have it less than others after all where they just take the drink without thinking about it.

 

[zel]

You mentioned that part of what makes you so hesitant in pulling the trigger and drinking it, is a concern about something like a sadistic demiurge lying in wait. You've probably already had this thought flash through your mind, but I thought it'd be worth mentioning that if that's a concern of yours, it is not something truly avoidable anyway (much like this life we have and its consequent suffering). You will die anyway and such a being would be there all the same.
Sure, drinking the SN would expedite this rendezvous, but not deny it. Blessings, and I hope you find peace and happiness.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I'm sad to see you go, I remember all the conversations we had in the chat room. You were one of the first people I met on this site. You always had a calm and reassuring presence about you. I'm really going to miss our conversations we had together.

I remember you from the chat room too. I don't remember all of the conversations we had, but all of 2023 feels like a blur, so it's kinda jumbled in my head anyway. Also, my presence being calm and reassuring is debatable. Sometimes I ruined the chat arguing about religion lmao!