Good days will come, hopefully

[spacefreightergirl]

I had pretty intense things and thoughts the last two days that I have shared here, but for some reason now I got a kick. Maybe it's the BPD and the temporary 10 minutes of happiness that I'll forget about tomorrow, or the urge at 2am to "fix my life", or the fact that I had way too much caffeine at 7PM (which I haven't done in two years); but I feel good. Hopeful. I cleaned my apartment and now it... looks good. The kitchen is clean, I organized all the clothes that I had laying literally everywhere and I smiled when I looked around after a few hours of fixing everything. I even opened the curtains without the fear of someone actually looking through the window and making me embarrassed as shit about my house.

Every once in a while I always get hit with the same thought – I have suffered enough. The few people that I have told my life story to always ended up asking me how I hadn't killed myself yet. Honestly I don't even think I had it that bad, definitely not ideal but it could have been a lot worse too. But at the same time maybe I deserve better.

I am meeting the same thought that I had when I was 16 and trying to come out of the worst depression I'd had so far: If I had to die, if I was really meant to, it should have already happened. The fact that I'm still here must mean that there is something better waiting for me at some point, that it is waiting and hoping I get to it. I have already been happy once, maybe not for too long but it has happened, so why couldn't it happen again?

 

[Celerity]

That's a great perspective to have. It's too easy to think, "Well, I suffered so often in the past, so why shouldn't I expect more of the same?". It's wonderful when we can remember that this is true of the good times we've had as well. It is a promising sign that you can still see the light in your past experiences.