going back to college vs suicide (yabba dabba doo!)

[monetpompo]

i've been sick for the week that i was supposed to plan out my suicide so i haven't had much time to get it together. tomorrow i'm planning on going to an electronics store to sell some of the stuff in my room. seeing all the old things i bought myself in high school and polaroids from when i used to see my friends more often made me feel sad and nostalgic. i kind of always forget if i have my noose set up in my closet or if i left my rope out. the other day my sister opened the door of my closet and i winced because i usually set my rope up on the clothes rod. i was glad that it wasn't there.

i have some stuff i can do like driving lessons, piano lessons, college, or getting a job if i choose to live, but i feel like i'm kind of idealizing the experience of doing those things when in reality i would struggle a lot and i might fall back into my suicidal ideation. for most of last year i was heavily suicidal and i didn't really expect to still be alive. i just don't want to have anymore personal or financial obligations, since that's what was stopping me from killing myself last year. most of all, i don't believe that i'll be able to pass my driving lessons and i'm going to keep struggling because i don't believe in myself. it won't be the teacher's fault or my parents' fault, it'll just be my fault and all the lessons i did before this will have been for nothing.

it's a situation a lot of people been in before, where they just expected themselves to die. i don't know if i really have the mental energy for college or being around people, i just think that i'm going to feel like i'm "missing out" on the college experience if my friends graduate while i stay in school because i dropped out. my mom is kind of the main reason i want to commit suicide. i'm really lonely most days because i dropped out and there isn't anything for me to do outside because i don't have a license. and even though i have friends they all feel far away because i can't see them unless i have someone to drive me to hang out with them. my mom has always wanted everyone in the family to be miserable and lonely, because she's like that. but i know she's still disappointed that i don't believe i can do anything, even though she's the one that made me incapable of believing in myself. she kept talking down to me when i talked about job interviews, seeing my friends, or trying to get my license. i also just hate having to be around her all the time because i feel disgusted by her. i hate the sound of her voice or being forced to listen to her talk to me even when i'm avoiding her.

my sister has a lot going for her in life, and i compare myself to her a lot because she seems like a culmination of what i'm not. i often wish that i was her and that makes me forget all the things i like about myself and sends me into depressive spirals. i can't get therapy and antipsychotics make me drowsy and not eat. i don't know if life is worth living because i'm the one that keeps pulling myself down. when i feel "down" for real, i feel like i'm fundamentally wrong as a human being while everyone else has it figured out. and that makes me feel like i'm a garbage alien creature or something.

 

[PI3.14]

Tbh, I think you can start small, like getting your driver license. I got mine at age 27, that was early last year, when almost everyone I know got their at 16-17.

As for college, you don't seem far behind since you say your friends are still in college, so enrolling now isn't too late for you even in comparison.

You what? 19? 20? Like even early 20s are still young.

Aside from suicide, do what you think you can achieve with your current health. Getting a driving license is essential, and you're not competing for a job or bring stressed by college, it's just driving lessons, I actually failed my driving license tests twice before when I was 20, then went there 7 years later to pass it from the first try, so don't overthink it, you can set up as many tests as you need and basically you're guaranteed to get the license, so take it easy.

Most important thing is to not despair at a young age, see if you can address your mental health, see if you can fix things at house if not then moving out might help.

 

[monetpompo]

Getting a driving license is essential, and you're not competing for a job or bring stressed by college, it's just driving lessons, I actually failed my driving license tests twice before when I was 20, then went there 7 years later to pass it from the first try, so don't overthink it, you can set up as many tests as you need and basically you're guaranteed to get the license, so take it easy.

people have been telling me to do it but i just feel really stressed out at the thought because my mom is basically forced to keep signing me up for lessons, and if i dissociate during them then i could end up getting into a car accident while driving on the real road or while practicing in my dad's car. thoughts like that put me off wanting to drive, because i don't want to put anyone else's life in danger.

i'm 20 and i know it's a young age. i get made fun of for thinking my life is falling apart, since i've pretty much always thought that it was falling apart and that i'll always ruin everything. college makes me worried, but that's also because of societal expectations. this semester will my friends' last semesters, since we all signed up around the same time. they'll go to university after this, and i won't be able to see them again because they'll move away.

looking for a job made me feel so anxious that i thought i was gonna die, mostly because i got in fights with my mom about it and she called me stupid when i came back from an interview. she would tell me that i would never get a job and that she can just keep on paying for everything. my sister is in the same situation as me but she still acts superior, even though she doesn't have a job or a license to help me become more independent from our mom. my sister just avoids everything by never being at home.

i think that living in my family's house is making everything worse. i think about running away a lot but i have nowhere to go, so i think about dying, even though i know it won't help much. if i had a friend or relative's house to stay over at i would feel better, but i don't have anyone like that in my life. when i think about signing up for more driving lessons i just get so worried that it'll all be for nothing that i think about suicide because it feels easier to go through with. i just think that i'll keep on disappointing my parents the more i try to succeed.

 

[PI3.14]

people have been telling me to do it but i just feel really stressed out at the thought because my mom is basically forced to keep signing me up for lessons, and if i dissociate during them then i could end up getting into a car accident while driving on the real road or while practicing in my dad's car. thoughts like that put me off wanting to drive, because i don't want to put anyone else's life in danger.

i'm 20 and i know it's a young age. i get made fun of for thinking my life is falling apart, since i've pretty much always thought that it was falling apart and that i'll always ruin everything. college makes me worried, but that's also because of societal expectations. this semester will my friends' last semesters, since we all signed up around the same time. they'll go to university after this, and i won't be able to see them again because they'll move away.

looking for a job made me feel so anxious that i thought i was gonna die, mostly because i got in fights with my mom about it and she called me stupid when i came back from an interview. she would tell me that i would never get a job and that she can just keep on paying for everything. my sister is in the same situation as me but she still acts superior, even though she doesn't have a job or a license to help me become more independent from our mom. my sister just avoids everything by never being at home.

i think that living in my family's house is making everything worse. i think about running away a lot but i have nowhere to go, so i think about dying, even though i know it won't help much. if i had a friend or relative's house to stay over at i would feel better, but i don't have anyone like that in my life. when i think about signing up for more driving lessons i just get so worried that it'll all be for nothing that i think about suicide because it feels easier to go through with. i just think that i'll keep on disappointing my parents the more i try to succeed.

I think you need to address your anxiety, cus that's essential. You might be able to ask a doctor to give you Xanax or something prior to a stressful event like driving lessons, or an interview or something.

I've struggled with severe anxiety since age 6, not addressing it led to so many other catastrophic issues, do please make it a priority, make getting your mental health back a priority, even if that meant it will take months to see results, cus that could lead you to a whole different life.

 

[Happy Cat]

I relate. We are close in age and I don't have anywhere to go either, no friends or family to rely on. A couple months after I turned 18 I went through a lot. I went to a psychiatric hospital for the first time, spent time in a homeless shelter for a couple months after getting kicked out of my school, got a job, lost it cause I went to a psychiatric hospital AGAIN cause i got kicked out my shelter and didn't want to be homeless, and now I'm required to get my GED or else i'll be homeless AGAIN. I don't want to even bother with progressing my life. I mean with how things are going in this world I just feel like I won't ever be happy being apart of it. Everything in life involves people and I really hate that so I'm never going to be happy