Venting Getting to an age I never thought I would

[strawb15]

Today is my birthday and it feels like every birthday (especially after my last attempt) has been shadowed by the fact that I never thought I would get to that age/older. It feels as though I should be dead by now and it's almost like a reminder of my failures.
Today I'm mainly focused on the mistakes I made during my last attempt that lead to getting found out and how I should've died nearly 2-3 years ago. Right now I feel very set that this will be my last birthday which feels so amazing and also scary knowing how many years I've felt the same.
Related and unrelated, this time also reminds me how I've wished for me yo die for nearly all my birthdays since the age of 6. It makes me so upset that I've been depressed for so long and how I feel like I never really got a chance to not be suicidal and just enjoy life.
In all it's going to be a hard day but hopefully nothing drugs and alcohol won't fix.

 

[tonicer]

I know how you feel. I am 43 soon and it feels weird. When i was 15 i wanted to die so bad i stood near the train tracks daily after school aka psychological torture camp thinking about how i would just lay my neck on the tracks and let the train do it's thing.

I couldn't do it because my mother married an idiot who treated her like a nanny for both of his mentally handicapped daughters which ruined my mothers body and mind over the 16 years she took care of them while he went to work and returned late at night.

To this day he never said thank you to her. Because of her decision to marry this total looser i just couldn't do it and leave her alone with that idiot. My older brother (+9) has/had so many issues he was no help for her either. It's just me who stands with her. Now i am old and even with all the stuff i studied and the certificates i earned through hard work no company will hire me probably because of how old i am. This life is a fucking disaster.

 

[BeanCurd]

Today is my birthday and it feels like every birthday (especially after my last attempt) has been shadowed by the fact that I never thought I would get to that age/older. It feels as though I should be dead by now and it's almost like a reminder of my failures.

I just wanted to say I also experience this every birthday, so you're not alone ❤ I know that doesn't mean much. I hope you get through the day okay!