Venting Genuinely want to die but can’t because of family

[neverLoved]

It's honestly crazy, I signed up more than a year ago after already lurking for a while. Many on and off moments, but still nowhere. I bought SN a while back because I really didn't want to continue anymore.

Here I am again. A year wasted bedrotting. No improvements, and the only thing which keeps me from CTB is the pain it will bring on the my mother and sister.

I just don't know anymore, constantly stuck in this loop of 'I don't want to recover because I will CTB' and ' I have no other choice besides recovery because I can't hurt my mom and sister'. I can't get out of it.

I really am going crazy

 

[avalokitesvara]

I empathise. I am on the same constant back and forth- I have to kms/ I can't do it to them/ but I can't get better/ so I have to kms/ but I can't do it to them.

Friend, at least it is guaranteed that we will get to die one day.

 

[neverLoved]

I empathise. I am on the same constant back and forth- I have to kms/ I can't do it to them/ but I can't get better/ so I have to kms/ but I can't do it to them.

Friend, at least it is guaranteed that we will get to die one day.

Really helps to know that I am not the only one with this constant back and forth battle

 

[LastDayOnEarth]

Same situation

 

[Already_dead]

Same here. I've got about 3 plans ready to be carried out at any moment, but then…ugh. I don't even want to think about how my parents would react, it gives me chills. Maybe one day I won't feel so guilty…