Kadaver
I hope this hurts
- Aug 11, 2023
- 144
My gender dysphoria is ruining my life. It feels like a cage that I'm trapped in that makes everything I want to do impossible. I bed rot every day. I hate getting up because then my chest moves. I hate leaving the house, and I don't unless I absolutely have to, because I don't pass—because everyone around me sees me as something I'm not.
My dad keeps telling me to exercise and saying he'll get me a gym membership and I want to tell him no; I can't. I've not told him about my dysphoria yet so I think he's just assuming I'm being lazy. I would love to be able to go to the gym. I would love to be able to leave the house and make irl friends. I would love to have a future but my constant overwhelming dysphoria makes doing those things my worst nightmare.
He tells me to think about my future but I don't have one, not like this. I can't live like this anymore; stagnant and trapped in this body. I've picked a day that I'll free myself from my body and free my family from me. I have a list of things I need to do before then. I would make a bucket list or something similar but I don't want to do anything in this body. I've been clean of self-harm for maybe four years and these past few days I've been daydreaming about relapsing. Not because of my depression but because I want to punish my body for betraying me and for stealing so much from me.
A friend suggest I start a go fund me but I don't even know how much it would cost for me to transition and even if I did watching the days drip by with no donations would make me feel even worse. I just want this life to be over.
My dad keeps telling me to exercise and saying he'll get me a gym membership and I want to tell him no; I can't. I've not told him about my dysphoria yet so I think he's just assuming I'm being lazy. I would love to be able to go to the gym. I would love to be able to leave the house and make irl friends. I would love to have a future but my constant overwhelming dysphoria makes doing those things my worst nightmare.
He tells me to think about my future but I don't have one, not like this. I can't live like this anymore; stagnant and trapped in this body. I've picked a day that I'll free myself from my body and free my family from me. I have a list of things I need to do before then. I would make a bucket list or something similar but I don't want to do anything in this body. I've been clean of self-harm for maybe four years and these past few days I've been daydreaming about relapsing. Not because of my depression but because I want to punish my body for betraying me and for stealing so much from me.
A friend suggest I start a go fund me but I don't even know how much it would cost for me to transition and even if I did watching the days drip by with no donations would make me feel even worse. I just want this life to be over.
