Venting Fucked up personality - pure chaos

[hannila_m]

Hi guys, I need to vent so much... And at the same point I know that it won'y change a thing :(

I suffer from depression, but the core of it all are personality disorders.
I don't know who I am, I don't know how to live, empty inside, I am 30 feeling like a child, just wanting to be a small baby without any responsibility. I would lie all day in bed watching Netflix and SM to distract me from my fucked up mind. I am completely blocked in all my actions. It's already 3 years with some short relapse episodes.

One minute I cry and think about how much I want to change it but can't - other minute I feel completely empty and indifferent and that I don't give a shit.

Many times have I been sure that I will CTB but finally couldn't do it.
I totally neglected myself. Eating junk food, showering every 3-4 days... I literally hate myself. I would like to change it, but I know it's impossible.. I'm so stuck in this world and my sick head :( :( :(

 

[scottyy]

Same here. Idk what to do. I feel so upset.
And I think I just lost my job, which I think makes me closer to ctb but idk. It was the only thing that getting me out of the house.
I really feel like crying rn.
I think today I'm close to really ctb, but when I get close something keeps telling me that theres one more thing I need to do or someone I need to have closure with or something.

 

[hannila_m]

Same here. Idk what to do. I feel so upset.
And I think I just lost my job, which I think makes me closer to ctb but idk. It was the only thing that getting me out of the house.
I really feel like crying rn.
I think today I'm close to really ctb, but when I get close something keeps telling me that theres one more thing I need to do or someone I need to have closure with or something.

Same here, job is only thing that gets me out of the house and I might loose it soon, so I get you..
hugs for you

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be really dreadful what you go through, I'm sorry you have to suffer so much in this cruel existence. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Olisop21.]

Hi guys, I need to vent so much... And at the same point I know that it won'y change a thing :(

I suffer from depression, but the core of it all are personality disorders.
I don't know who I am, I don't know how to live, empty inside, I am 30 feeling like a child, just wanting to be a small baby without any responsibility. I would lie all day in bed watching Netflix and SM to distract me from my fucked up mind. I am completely blocked in all my actions. It's already 3 years with some short relapse episodes.

One minute I cry and think about how much I want to change it but can't - other minute I feel completely empty and indifferent and that I don't give a shit.

Many times have I been sure that I will CTB but finally couldn't do it.
I totally neglected myself. Eating junk food, showering every 3-4 days... I literally hate myself. I would like to change it, but I know it's impossible.. I'm so stuck in this world and my sick head :( :( :(

I can totally relate to what you are feeling. I so want to CTB right now and can't figure out why I don't just do it.

 

[tbroken]

I feel the same way, we in our 30s(with some rare exceptions) are the saddest people.
Imo we have full consciousness of society as it is and we are stuck between the younger and older generations But with less energy to spend and precarious contracts(i also had full time jobs, but it was hard for my head not to explode).