Fuck you, ADHD.

[suicides]

It's not the main reason I want to ctb, but truly, fuck this bullshit. I was only diagnosed with it 3 years ago, but I'm already fucking over it. It doesn't help that this bullshit mimics other shit like autism and bpd.

I lost 20 pounds in three months because I take Adderall. I stopped eating regularly. Sometimes I'll do outdoor work in the heat with my friend, but barely drink, maybe eat the next day. I'll hit the gym with my trainer, and still struggle with trying to at least eat something to build some type of fucking muscle.

The sudden weight loss was a shock at first because I stopped weighing myself regularly due to past disordered eating behaviors. Funny how I lost that weight and it doesn't look like I even did. I still have a fat arab dad belly. No muscles. Feminine and disgusting. When I look at the mirror, I see a disappointing piece of shit body. A grotesque being that isn't even human. I don't want this body. But for some fucking reason, people want to force me to love it. Because all you need is to love yourself and magically, all your problems just.....go away!

I will never love it. That's just coping, and I don't want to cope. I don't want to be told any more feel good bullshit just to hold me over another day.

I'm at a point where it even feels like I may impulsively do it. I was so close to just hanging myself last Monday, when that wasn't even a method I was considering prior. I'm afraid of failing, surviving, and becoming a vegetable. Deep down, I may also be afraid of the pain because I'm a pussy. But it feels like one day, I'm going to just impulsively do it. Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow.

Just because I'm afraid of the pain, doesn't mean I need to rethink doing it. I just want one last act of kindness to be given to me as I leave this fucked up, disgusting body.

I don't want to be human. I don't want to continue eating or drinking. I don't even want to take my next breath.

 

[letsnotmakeittoo22]

Hey. Try switching from adderall to an alternative such as vyvanse. I've heard from online discourse that the effects, although they both have their uses, depending on the case, some ADHD peeps thrive better with Vyvanse, comparative to Adderall describing it as less intense I personally take Vyvanse and only ever been prescribed Vyvanse, and well, I did struggle with eating and, relapsing into eating disorder when I first got prescribed due to a lack of tolerance built yet, however, a few years into my diagnosis and getting prescribed Vyvanse, my life genuinely has changed in the better. I am suicidal for other reasons, but overall improve my day-to-day life in the context other than that.

Actually able to work my first legal job, and stray away from sex work, because vyvanse really was a second lease on life.

That being said, this isn't specifically about Vyvanse, just the effects of ADHD medication. Speak to your psychiatrist or healthcare provider, whoever prescribes your medication, and be open and honest about what you're experiencing, and something as simple as a dosage readjustment; and or, all together prescribing you an alternative adhd medication, whether that be Vyvanse or one of the other alternatives. That may help a lot!

Yes, of course when there will be adverse side effects, however, if you find the right ADHD medication that works for you, and yes you may/ will have initial side effects from your body, but that's only temporary, that phase subsides quickly once your body starts gaining tolerance and getting used to the meds.

Wish you the best and love. But please speak to your medication provider and tell them that you think Adderall, or at least your current dosage may not be best for you and see if you can explore alternatives. That truly may make all the difference.