Venting Friend did a wellness check on me, hate him for it. I hate that he's better

[monetpompo]

word salad. i'm very upset​

Back from the hospital!!!!!!!!!!!! Haha!!
Yeah I hated the hospital. I hated having cuffs put on me. I hated that I was so out of it that I was telling my friend that I had plans to die, but thought that if I kept on asking him to not call the police he wouldn't. I mean, yeah he would. I'm just stupid. I don't know what I was even thinking.

The nurses thought I was cute and well-behaved (which I am, I have sort of a lost child look on my face all the time) so they discharged me early. Thank you, nurses. My rope was taken away, but buying a new one is an inconvenience. I just feel so stupid. I am stupid. I got angry at my friend just now and told him that if he wanted to get away from me, he should just call the cops on me again because I'm such a fuck up to him. He said, "I called the cops on you because I care", and I know that's supposed to be true, but I still think he hates me. I'm just so fucked up all the time. I only acted nice so I could leave the hospital early. A young man in the psych ward kept on screaming, over and over again. When I tried having phone calls he would scream at me and try to get me to call 911. He would scream throughout the night and in the morning. He would thrash in his restraints and clang his metal bed frame as loud as possible to irritate the nurses.

I'm just very irritated right now. I don't feel good. I hate my friend very much and I don't know how to go back to feeling normal when I hate him. I have to take medication now and it's supposed to make me feel better. My friend told me he's starting therapy too. Even now, it feels like he's always better than me. I feel like he's going to be better at therapy than me. He has an apartment and I don't, and he's going to university when I'm not. I don't know how I'm going to pass my community college math assessment when I'm fucking stupid and he isn't. I know that I lashed out at him and I feel bad. I shouldn't have said that he hates me but I hate him and I want him to hate me back. I hate that he cares about me because I think there's absolutely nothing I have in me that's worth caring about. What I deserved most was being sent away in the hospital, away from everybody.

My head hurts. I hung out with my sister and her boyfriend today because she wanted to cheer me up. She tries her best. She's like my friend, where she doesn't really understand what I'm going through either. They've both been depressed and anxious before so they've been in my place at one point, but I'm constantly ebbing between being very depressed and being moderately depressed. I only know how I feel, so I know I'm biased. I know I shouldn't hate my friend when he cares about me. I just feel like each time I reach out to him, I'm burdening him. I don't want to burden him anymore. A part of me doesn't want to be human just so that I can stop bothering him when I like him so much. I can't believe that he likes me at all because all I can think about when I imagine him is him thinking I'm a complete failure. I don't want to be such a useless fuck up. I don't feel good enough for him at all. He doesn't understand that. He's always been good enough for everyone. I feel slimy and disgusting compared to him. I shouldn't keep comparing myself to him if it just makes me feel like sludge.

 

[gottacheckout]

I want you to know that I read your post and I feel for you. You are not alone here.

 

[monetpompo]

I want you to know that I read your post and I feel for you. You are not alone here.

thank you bud. i'm still thinking about the man that kept screaming in the room across from me

reading sasu posts after coming home from the hospital immediately made me feel calmer. i honestly don't know where else to go when i feel really distressed when i don't want to burden the people around me. not being able to tell anyone about my situation really depresses me.

 

[gonesoon!]

I'm so sorry that happened. The hospital has only been traumatizing for me. It's like prison. I guess they feel like at that point there is no other choice. They view it like "at all costs I can't let you CTB" so instead they opt for the worst approach. They try to force you. Last time my psychiatrist called the cops on me. I'm still angry about it and it was over a year ago now.

I had a friend do something similar to me. He came to my house and took me to the hospital while I was blacked out (I was trying to ctb like an idiot). And he sent a few of my online profiles to my parents which he somehow found. It was all really embarrassing. Because of that I dont really trust anyone anymore. I talk to my friends once in a while yet I can't tell anyone. I also dont wanna burden them. Theres nothing I can say anymore anyways. ahhhh just a matter of time. I hope you can forget about the whole thing. It sounds terrible. Please take care

 

[monetpompo]

Because of that I dont really trust anyone anymore. I talk to my friends once in a while yet I can't tell anyone. I also dont wanna burden them. Theres nothing I can say anymore anyways. ahhhh just a matter of time. I hope you can forget about the whole thing. It sounds terrible.

i really don't wanna hate my friend since i like talking to him so much, but thinking of him makes me so mad because i know he's the one that called the cops on me and he's the one that's going to make my parents pay the hospital bill. i know he meant well but it's not like my parents just have a surplus of money to spend for impromptu stays in the hospital. the whole time i was there i was anxious thinking about how much it would cost my parents and no one had an answer from me when i came in or when i left. what matters most about the psych ward is money. it just seems so frivolous to be tossed in there by the cops. the cops aren't even worried about what happens to me once i'm in the hospital. they don't call the person who did the wellness check back.

i hate how wellness checks and psych wards are the only "threat" you can give a suicidal person too, because they literally don't care about their life but they'll care if you take away all their rights and don't let them sleep with a door closed. i like being back in my warm bed but i feel super pissed off that i didn't just ctb or keep it to myself. had a nightmare about the screaming man while i was trying to go to bed. my mother screams in the same way he did—as loud as possible for attention. i hate when she gets angry because she yells so loud that her voice echoes through the entire house and you have to go outside into the yard to not hear her anymore. i'm tired of all this. i'm sorry this happened to you too.

 

[getoutgirl]

I'm so sorry to hear you went through all that. It truly sucks that for a lot of suicidal people the only "care" they get is being temporarely locked up until they act good enough to leave or just general wellness check threats. A lot (most) of times it feels like just an added burden that adresses nothing, and costs money :(
So yeah sorry about that
And your friend I'm sure he did that cos he genuinely cares about you. You probably know that too deep down, but it's okay to feel conflicted after all. It's overwhelming. Just try to keep those nasty voices that tell you he hates you as quiet as possible, whenever that becomes possible.
The screaming man sounds like a terrifying experience too :(
If anything you can find some solace in thinking of him as another suffering and missunderstood person, who's probably going through a lot too. Maybe that doesn't stop the nightmares right away, but maybe if you focus it from that perspective it may in time, I'd hope.
In any case take it easy these days, glad you have people around that care enough to hang out even if they may not fully understand you. Lots of hugs <3

 

[catlover20]

I read your post and I just wanted to say thanks for sharing it.

It makes sense that you're feeling all of this. Going through something like that would mess anyone up, and it's honestly okay if you're not feeling okay right now.
You don't have to have it all figured out or bounce back right away. Just getting through the day right now is enough. Even just writing this all down means something.
It's okay to be exactly where you are right now. That really is enough.

Thanks again for sharing your experience.
I hope you'll get through it, and please take care

 

[bankai]

No one really hates you monet.I don't think that's really possible. I understand your compulsion to think that they do. But no.

Nothing but love.