Frankly, do you think you'll ever actually do it? :-/

[SexyIncél]

If I don't, I've sure gone through a lot of expense — and put my loved ones through worry — just for ctb cosplay

 

[Degen]

Yeah my brain is getting hyper focused on the idea now that I can't put it off, I can get obsessive. It's almost impulsive and I think I don't really want to but can't stop.

 

[LeavingEarly]

Very likely I'd say. Even if I survive into old age, wasting away from cancer or dementia or something similar is not high on my agenda.

Getting old is fucxing scary to me

 

[Kbeau]

I think I'll do it 100%. Scared af but there's literally nothing for me here. The only thing I'm unsure about is which method to use, they all seem scary, uncomfortable and gruesome. Wish I could do it with someone

I hear you. I so wish there was a safe, legal way. Like you could fill out some government paperwork and then you're allowed to have a doctor put you down.

 

[DreamSurfer]

I had planned to be gone by the end of august but I messed up and told someone about it whom I am very close with that lives far from me. She made me promise to sit and talk face to face first, and I betrayed myself and said I would hold off for her. I am deeply pissed off at myself because I had planned to be gone and by now. I have to now figure how what to do with myself in the meantime.

But I can't see much really happening to change my mind. I have finally began to find peace and acceptance that my time to go is drawing near. I have the SI part of me doing all of these what ifs, to guilt trip, but it won't be enough. I made it to 40 that is a good milestone to go out on.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I see no way to do it and I see no way to not do it

 

[chocolatebar]

For me, specifically, I will.

Just yesterday, I suffered some sudden health problems and went really close to death and realized how painful, slow, inhumane and despairful it is to suffer in the last moments. This made me think about suicide as a way to control our own death and be able to make it less terrible. So, even if some miracle happens to me and I decide to life further into life, when I realize it's ending naturally, I will do it to avoid the suffering and make it smoother or faster.

 

[its-about-time]

I believe you are correct. It's not going to be painless. I read the documentary where someone took SN and another watched and reported back what they witnessed. While it didn't sound horrible it wasn't as peaceful as some would think. It sounded based on what I read painful for several minutes.

But define painful… I suffer each day everyday. Is what I read any different? At least after some brief pain it's all over. But no, it's definitely not the story book fall asleep and never wake up again kinda death. Not at all, but it's the best we have for now….

Been my method all summer and I'm glad I didn't immediately do it because I've been conditioning myself to not be afraid of the nausea, anxiety, etc for if or when I drink it.

It might sound weird but I sleep with it. I massage the little salts through the bag when I'm upset. More recently I'm pretending to pour it in my mouth… that sounds dumb but it gave me a shocking boost of adrenaline the first time so I now do it frequently to get used to that. When I'm nauseous (unrelated but often) I embrace it and get used to it instead of taking meds to make it feel better. Just stuff like that. My next planned step is to make myself literally ill by drinking sea salt a few times to get reaccustomed to vomiting and to get an idea of how disgusting saltwater is. I'm excited about it. I feel more confident all the time, it feels so much less scary. I'm looking forward to the time between ingestion and passing out. Like I almost hope it hurts, so I can feel myself die. Might sound dramatic but it's been my mentality this month and I dig it.

 

[SexyIncél]

It might sound weird but I sleep with it.

Haha, that's me & my shotgun!

Don't worry, I'm always paranoid to check it's not loaded :)

 

[unnoticed]

it's felt like my destiny to end my own life since i was a kid. i'm not comfortable with the idea of dying unless it's by my own hand…just waiting for the right time. when i no longer have two cats who depend on me, probably. but i just don't know if i can wait it out long enough. it could be years and years until they've passed and what am i doing with myself in the meantime anyway?

 

[outatime_85]

Absolutely 100%. I will be.

Besides, no one needs me. I don't have friends or a partner, so no one will miss me or be saddened by my checking out.

 

[Hope:-)]

Si is terrible. It definitely has me in its grip right now. :-/

 

[GasMonkey]

Totally.

 

[painofzed]

I feel like I could go either way. I really don't want to be stuck the way I am forever- that is not improving my life but not ctb either. I am just stuck in between. I don't know whether to give recovery another real go. I tried to get better before through medication and it just ruined my life instead and is the reason I am ctb. I'm also tired of the relationship I have with my family- I don't want to deal with the financial disputes and wills and things like that anymore. Unluckily for me, I've never really believed SN is painless and that's my method. Cutting your body off from oxygen does not sound painless to me. I might be wrong about that but I can't shake that belief. Sorry to be such a downer, but I'm feeling v helpless and desperately unhappy. |Not sure what to do. How about you?

I didn't think I ever would until the day that I did it and failed.

 

[Hope:-)]

Turns out it's much harder to do it than I thought. I'm gonna have to be off my face on Xanax.

 

[SunshineAndSuicide]

I might suffer on for a couple of years, see if things get better, but if I can't make my life better starting now and miraculously become happy and get rid of my existential crisis - I'm out.

 

[Darkover]

i don't know how much longer i have but i will definitely be ctb at some point hopefully by the end of this year if not sometime next year just need to get some sn first

 

[Mr2005]

Probably not. I'll die of ill health or old age before too long anyway so who cares? I'm just winging it until then. Nothing's ever going to get better but I've had plenty of time to get used to that

 

[Alnilam]

Yes, 100%. If I stay here I'll just be subject to more suffering. It's just too much, I'm tired. I'm too numb to even care about what happens to me anymore. Sure the mystery of death scares me but I might as well meet my fate now instead of prolonging the inevitable.

 

[Salvation_]

Yes. If I can't live a functional life now, I doubt I'll ever be able to. There's no way I'm still going to be alive in five years.

 

[ManicPanic2018]

Providing I can get SN, I'm pretty confident I will. Ever since I found out about that method I've felt pretty at peace knowing that will likely be how I go.

I've been in the loop of thinking I can live a happy life too many times now. The last attempt to try and find happiness with my situation might have broken me. I just want out.

 

[milkandcoffee]

Eventually, yes, I think so. I'll keep giving recovery a shot every day until then, but frankly with every suicidal episode I have, I get closer and closer to actually doing it. There's a point of no return somewhere.

 

[Hope:-)]

Almost booked a hotel again for tonight but chickened out. Gonna pack tonight and hoping to go tomorrow but this is just ridiculous. I honestly feel like I'll never do it. I feel like I'm getting closer though which is good, but this is starting to get embarrassing... going to have a big takeaway as though it's my last tonight even though it may very well not be. Embarrassing.

 

[Hope:-)]

Probably but I'm extremely not looking forward to it. I don't know what else to do though. I wish how I used to view suicide before I was suicidal was true...that people almost just casually hang themselves on impulse without much fear. I now know that's not true.

 

[StolenLife]

As much as I'm scared I also know that my future is horrible if I don't do it. I have suffered from mild depression even as a child, just didn't know what it was yet. I wasted best years of my life living like an old person and confined to my room with studies that no longer interest me. I don't want to see myself become old and worn. If my youth sucked this much, I don't even want to imagine how my middle age and golden age is going to be like. Even as a child I was sensitive and cried all the time, had a mini version of existential crisis at only 5 years old after death of my grandparents and it only grew more as I grew up. Even being awake is exhausting and makes me vomit. I'd rather choose death now.

 

[makethepainstop]

Having missed the bus a few times before, I'm damn well going to catch it this time. I will do this. I think of the Genesis device in star treks the wrath of Khan. When the bad guy activates the device and it starts a display blinking COMMIT, over and over. Then I start the count down until departure time. Each step shall be executed perfectly this trip. The odds are in my favor on this.

 

[AUTIST777]

Im getting increasingly desperate as time goes on due to restricted access to SN where i live. That's why i have stuck with jumping and I'm awaiting the right time to ctb where i dont worry about SI.
I've had two overdoses in the past and im only 18...

 

[outrider567]

Im getting increasingly desperate as time goes on due to restricted access to SN where i live. That's why i have stuck with jumping and I'm awaiting the right time to ctb where i dont worry about SI.
I've had two overdoses in the past and im only 18...

'Increasingly desperate' that's my mental state today and most all days

 

[Alabama_death]

Yes, in three weeks when I'm at home alone for seven days. Should be enough

 

[StarryNights94]

To quote a famous song, "but the vision that was planted in my brain, still remains, within the sound of silence". I hope that others find the strength to see the light in this world, and I wish it for myself as well but I cannot fathom and tolerate my pain for much longer. Maybe this is what the state of lingo is, neither here nor there.