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Iamtired

Iamtired

Experienced
Sep 30, 2023
206
The most amazing person came into my life a month ago. I knew him for a year 1/2 prior but by the time he came to visit I was ready to die.
He's changing pretty much my entire world around.
Last March 2023 I had a surgery that left me with nerve damage and thereafter body dysmorphia. I have never fully recovered and had a failed suicide attempt- thrown into rehab and felt like my body and brain was on fire and could not function for basically a year after. The healing was not complete.
I don't know what to do- I know I have a lot going for me. I'm a successful artist and I'm over educated. I've worked most of my life to try to overcome the shackles of despair and depression and childhood trauma that plagued me but unfortunately this recent surgical trauma set me over the edge. Something that was supposed to help me harmed me. And I had no idea how much one could lose in such a short time.

Now that I have true love and someone willing to worship me and be with me, love everything about me and even willing to support me I'm still feeling this pull into despair and death because all I want is my individual confidence back. But I love him so much and we have so much fun. The only time I feel like my self is when I'm with him but I worry that this can become unhealthy attachment. I just desperately want this pain to stop. If it doesn't he has told me that he is willing to help me leave- which of course I also don't want him to experience.

Everyone of my counselors and friends and doctors have told me that healing is not linear and it will get better with time. But how much time? How much should I go through? I'm afraid of death yes but I'm also afraid of life like this more. And I know I would not want to live without him now. I know only I will know the answer to this but I am terrified of what might happen to me without him now. But he assures me he will never ever leave. And we can live a peaceful life away from society while I rediscover my strength.

I don't know I felt compelled to write this. But o know there is no easy answer. I'm staying for love. If anyone has any input. Would you do the same? I am trying so hard not to sabotage anything due to the pain. I have tried pushing him away but he doesn't budge.
 
Z

zeecen

Member
Mar 30, 2024
35
Healing can be a very slow process and may take years or even a lifetime. However long you feel you can fight is as long as long as you should go imo. I'm sad to hear that you're struggling but I am also happy that you've found something worth sticking around for.

As someone who has heavily relied on personal relationships in the past for emotional security, I can certainly emphasize with the desire to remain independent. Relationships of any kind are most certainly not a magic pill that remove all pain and suffering, but they are often valuable resources that motivate us to care for ourselves for as long as they last. Please use this newfound motivation to continue caring for yourself, both mentally and physically.
 
W

whywere

Visionary
Jun 26, 2020
2,556
1st off, humans are a social animal, and you have found a wonderful soulmate just really fantastic!

2nd, I 100% agree with @zeecen , as healing can take time. Now with you having such awesome. loving person helping to make your life more complete, you have a support system now and also a golden hearted person to watch a beautiful sunrise and/or sunset.

I am in my late 60's and I will be healing for the rest of my life, and I am fine with that.

I am so happy for you and now let your wings spread and take a walk or watch a movie, the list is endless with a loving soul be your side, CONGRATULATIONS!

Walter
 
Iamtired

Iamtired

Experienced
Sep 30, 2023
206
Healing can be a very slow process and may take years or even a lifetime. However long you feel you can fight is as long as long as you should go imo. I'm sad to hear that you're struggling but I am also happy that you've found something worth sticking around for.

As someone who has heavily relied on personal relationships in the past for emotional security, I can certainly emphasize with the desire to remain independent. Relationships of any kind are most certainly not a magic pill that remove all pain and suffering, but they are often valuable resources that motivate us to care for ourselves for as long as they last. Please use this newfound motivation to continue caring for yourself, both mentally and physically.
Thank you so much. I am using it and . I agree with you about healing. I'm afraid it will take a lifetime. As it took me 33 years to be who I am and then…..this. I'm just so terrified of the world now without the feeling of independence. I feel like a 5 year old. In love and also in how I interact with things. I can see the smallest things and think they have this profound meaning to them I can't explain it. Like seeing everything from new eyes but still….terrified. 😭😭😭🥹🫂🫂
1st off, humans are a social animal, and you have found a wonderful soulmate just really fantastic!

2nd, I 100% agree with @zeecen , as healing can take time. Now with you having such awesome. loving person helping to make your life more complete, you have a support system now and also a golden hearted person to watch a beautiful sunrise and/or sunset.

I am in my late 60's and I will be healing for the rest of my life, and I am fine with that.

I am so happy for you and now let your wings spread and take a walk or watch a movie, the list is endless with a loving soul be your side, CONGRATULATIONS!

Walter
Thank you so much Walter. ♥️♥️♥️♥️ Thank you for reaching out again. ♥️♥️💕
 

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