shuteyefish
hibernation itself
- Nov 17, 2025
- 9
Good day everyone. I hope I used the right prefix for this--if not, please let me know.
TW for non-graphic mentions of sexual assault.
As a bit of a background, I grew up being forced by my parents into various competitive and professional sports clubs, including but not limited to gymnastics and dance. It reached a point of me having to train 5 hours a day, every day, resulting in me spending a part of my childhood with the routine of: sleeping through school, going straight to dance training afterward, then spending the night doing the things I actually enjoy.
I was also being bullied--albeit not to an extreme point--in both school and sport clubs. One of the memories that stayed with me is being locked in a freezing storage room by the other kids for the entirety of the 5 hour training.
Sometime amidst all of that, I was sexually assaulted by an adult. I won't get into the details, but I believe this event has wired my brain to equate one situation to the other: I was often laughed at and humiliated by my trainers, which reminded me of my rape. I was also often touched, simply to fix my form or comment on my weight--yet it also reminded me of my rape.
After a while, my parents let me quit all of my extracurricular activities. I didn't have to deal with it anymore.
Returning to present time, my parents have been pressuring me into going to the gym with a personal trainer. I went today.
The trainer was a kind old woman, and the session was short and uneventful.
I feel like I've gone through hell.
I became so dissociated I could barely hold a conversation with my mother. A short session at the gym isn't supposed to feel like you're being stripped of your bodily autonomy, but it did. All I've been doing since returning home is crying in bed. I'm so tired. I wish I had killed myself before I was old enough to get into professional sports. I wish I had killed myself before I got assaulted. It's not normal to feel this much pain. I'm inconsolable even though nothing has happened.
Thank you for reading this. I would love to hear if anyone has had similar experiences.
TW for non-graphic mentions of sexual assault.
As a bit of a background, I grew up being forced by my parents into various competitive and professional sports clubs, including but not limited to gymnastics and dance. It reached a point of me having to train 5 hours a day, every day, resulting in me spending a part of my childhood with the routine of: sleeping through school, going straight to dance training afterward, then spending the night doing the things I actually enjoy.
I was also being bullied--albeit not to an extreme point--in both school and sport clubs. One of the memories that stayed with me is being locked in a freezing storage room by the other kids for the entirety of the 5 hour training.
Sometime amidst all of that, I was sexually assaulted by an adult. I won't get into the details, but I believe this event has wired my brain to equate one situation to the other: I was often laughed at and humiliated by my trainers, which reminded me of my rape. I was also often touched, simply to fix my form or comment on my weight--yet it also reminded me of my rape.
After a while, my parents let me quit all of my extracurricular activities. I didn't have to deal with it anymore.
Returning to present time, my parents have been pressuring me into going to the gym with a personal trainer. I went today.
The trainer was a kind old woman, and the session was short and uneventful.
I feel like I've gone through hell.
I became so dissociated I could barely hold a conversation with my mother. A short session at the gym isn't supposed to feel like you're being stripped of your bodily autonomy, but it did. All I've been doing since returning home is crying in bed. I'm so tired. I wish I had killed myself before I was old enough to get into professional sports. I wish I had killed myself before I got assaulted. It's not normal to feel this much pain. I'm inconsolable even though nothing has happened.
Thank you for reading this. I would love to hear if anyone has had similar experiences.
