I understand.
The key to any sort of emotion work is being brutally honest. Things tend to unfold in layers. A made-up example: anger towards self might be hiding anger at a parent, which in turn covers a deep existential feeling of shame and ultimately a wounded inner child. The burden is lifted if all that can be worked through, in one lifetime or another. As for the how, that's a bit of a can of worms. Angelo Dilullo has given an
interview on the topic.
This is a very profound philosophical question. In Buddhism, it is known as dependent origination. No thing exists independent of everything else. If the true identity is revealed, it is said that we completely transcend the whole thing. I once made an extensive post quoting some real-world examples from the
Zen tradition. The key is that this is not intellectual, and the goal is not to bypass dealing with the ego-self using a belief that the ego isn't real. This very simple topic gives rise to to extensive teachings only because there are so many traps like this that can waste people's time.
I understand what you are saying and often face the same question myself. I can only quote others. It is a slippery topic; some people can get triggered by the points made and it's easy to misinterpret what is said. However, the claim is often made in spiritual circles that
the state of the individual is not correlated to their physical circumstances.
Eckhart Tolle once told a story from a time when he was in university. He held the door open for a man in a wheelchair. The man was in a dreadful state, his head rolled to the side and his body was slumped in paralysis. But as their eyes made contact, he saw that the man's eyes were surrendered and he was at peace with himself. Years later, Eckhart was surprised to see that same man in a magazine; his name was Steven Hawking and he had become one of the most renowned physicists in the world.
(I could give many other examples but it's a whole discussion in itself.)
Free will is another whole topic in itself, and viewpoints cover a wide spectrum. People who have a complete non-dual understanding completely deny free will because there is no self to possess it. Yet this lofty perspective can be confusing and unhelpful for so-called normal people who need to 'choose' a practical pathway to reach that same understanding for themselves.
Another generic teaching is that we get better results when we are not over-analysing, and life is able to conspire in our favour if we get out of the way. Accessing intuition, which is the deeper intelligence beyond the
power virus of the frustrated thinking mind. Again, examples are often cited about people, including scientific researchers, having breakthroughs during meditation.
(If you watch it carefully, you'll find that the mind is always thrashing around in a circle of misery, trying to solve its problem, a feeling of deep frustration, never noticing that it is actually
causing that very problem.)
This is the ultimate question, but the answer needs to take the form of a revelation along the lines of the aforementioned
Zen examples.