Help for the moms out there (but anyone can chime in) - i need your advice/help

[unbelievablydead]

If you received this message from a fellow mom, what would you do/say? **Edit: Would you even respond or just think this person is crazy or would you even want to get involved?

Hi there, I am so sorry to bother you. I'm reaching out as a mom to a wonderful daughter who is currently going through a tough time due to something that happened with someone in your family. I'm not looking to place blame, but I'm asking for your help in resolving this situation. As a mom, I'm sure you understand the desire to support and protect your child. Any help or guidance you can offer would mean the world to us. Thank you so much for taking the time to listen.

**Edit: sorry for the confusion, my mom is the one writing the message, so how would you respond if you were on the receiving end (as a mom or just as a person)?

 

[PI3.14]

There isn't much information here, I'm understanding if you intentionally chose not to provide more info about what the issue is.

However, and I'm not a parent, solving conflicts is crucial, so I'll do whatever is necessary to get to the bottom of it and see if the two families can find a solution.

 

[elenaboo25]

Ask them what's up and go from there?

I have been bullied relentlessly as a child. I am on pretty good terms now with one of the parents of one of the children who bullied me. But I never talked to that parent about the bullying. And secretly, I wish they had done more to stop it and I don't know why they apparently haven't.

I obviously don't know if that is the situation, but that is the first thing that came to mind. I would ask you to have an open mind for the perspective of the other child (and mother) involved.

I think the most important thing is to talk about what exactly went on, not just beating around the bush, so to speak.

 

[unbelievablydead]

Ask them what's up and go from there?

I have been bullied relentlessly as a child. I am on pretty good terms now with one of the parents of one of the children who bullied me. But I never talked to that person about the bullying. And secretly, I wish they had done more to stop it and I don't know why they apparently haven't.

I obviously don't know if that is the situation, but that is the first thing that came to mind. I would ask you to have an open mind for the perspective of the other child (and mother) involved.

I think the most important thing is to talk about what exactly went on, not just beating around the bush, so to speak.

I'm so sorry for the confusion, but also thank you bc you made me realize that my post wasn't very clear- my mom is the one writing the message, so how would you respond if you were on the receiving end? (but also, I agree with you, having an open mind is key!!)

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm not a mother but, it sounds as if you need to find out more. Unless they have told you more and, you're opting not to share it. I'm assuming it's some sort of accusation against your child.

After that I suppose- how likely is it your child would have behaved like this? What's their child like? Does your child speak freely with you? Is it something you can get their side of the story on?

For them to have approached you though, it sounds as if it's possibly more serious than name calling. I can understand that you would want to protect and stand by your child but then, I don't think you can ignore it either.

I'm assuming they at least have approached you before getting the school and other authorities involved- if the accusation is serious. I think you need to try and get it straightened out before it goes that far.

There again- this other person's child could just be lying. I grew up with a (suspected) narcissist who accused me of all sorts of things I hadn't done. Part of the damage was when people believed the lies. So, I think you have to be careful. How likely is it your child did this?

 

[elenaboo25]

I'm so sorry for the confusion, but also thank you bc you made me realize that my post wasn't very clear- my mom is the one writing the message, so how would you respond if you were on the receiving end? (but also, I agree with you, having an open mind is key!!)

I think it would be good if your mom could give a little bit more detail in her initial message. I also think it would be good if she asked for a meeting or phone call, instead of trying to resolve whatever it is through text. But I am also autistic and not good at social stuff, so maybe my advice here is not the best. Maybe someone else has better advice.

If I had a child (god forbid, I don't want children, ever) and I received that message, I would first try to find out what exactly the situation is and then go from there. Without knowing the situation, there isn't much else to do. The first step, in my opinion, has to be finding out all the facts, before making any decisions or assigning blame.

 

[unbelievablydead]

I think it would be good if your mom could give a little bit more detail in her initial message. I also think it would be good if she asked for a meeting or phone call, instead of trying to resolve whatever it is through text. But I am also autistic and not good at social stuff, so maybe my advice here is not the best. Maybe someone else has better advice.

If I had a child (god forbid, I don't want children, ever) and I received that message, I would first try to find out what exactly the situation is and then go from there. Without knowing the situation, there isn't much else to do. The first step, in my opinion, has to be finding out all the facts, before making any decisions or assigning blame.

that makes sense and really appreciate your input! i'm partially avoiding vagueness to not give away my private info, but also bc it's a complex situation, and there's a lot of pieces involved. but i really like the idea about the phone call! i'm neurodivergent too and texting can be really overwhelming especially when there's a lot to explain. would adding something like "i know my message is vague, and i would love to give you more details. it would really be ideal to do a phone call so we can explain what happened and figure out how to handle this in the best way possible. is this something you would be open to?"

 

[Dot]

Nt a mothr

bt imo = gd sgn tht thy r opn t/ commncatn & wantng t/ tlk thngs thru

Sme parnts cn v defnsve ovr thr own childrn tho s/ = depnds on hw th/ othr mothr rsponds- sme mothers rfuse t/ belive tht thr lttle darlng cn d/ n.ethng wrng bt sme othrs r intrstd in hearng th/ fll situatn as lng as = ds nt cme acrss as an attck on thr chld

Alwys wrth remmbrng tht conflcts cn hve 2 sdes s/ = bettr if bth sdes cn b open-mindd & kp thr emotns in chck whle dscussng wht happnd

Agn tho - am nt a mothr s/ = easy t/ mke emotnlly distncd commnts lke tht - s/ cn only C hw th/ othr mothr rsponds

 

[Forever Sleep]

Sorry, I didn't realise you were the 'child' in this scenario. You're presumably over 18 if you're here. Maybe this will be an unpopular opinion but, is there no way you can resolve this with the person in question? Are they also an adult? Even if it means agreeing to avoid one another? They really ought to be more mature at that age.

Of course, it does depend on just how serious this is. Obviously- if it's become borderline illegal then- parents do need to be informed. If it's bullying though, I'm just not sure. Sometimes 'ratting' on someone to parents or teachers etc. can make matters worse. I really hope it doesn't though.

What has your Mum said to you before? To confront this person/ ignore them/ report them?

 

[elenaboo25]

Sorry, I didn't realise you were the 'child' in this scenario. You're presumably over 18 if you're here. Maybe this will be an unpopular opinion but, is there no way you can resolve this with the person in question? Are they also an adult? Even if it means agreeing to avoid one another? They really ought to be more mature at that age.

Of course, it does depend on just how serious this is. Obviously- if it's become borderline illegal then- parents do need to be informed. If it's bullying though, I'm just not sure. Sometimes 'ratting' on someone to parents or teachers etc. can make matters worse. I really hope it doesn't though.

What has your Mum said to you before? To confront this person/ ignore them/ report them?

That it's bullying was just my own biased assumption. It may well be something else.

 

[unbelievablydead]

Sorry, I didn't realise you were the 'child' in this scenario. You're presumably over 18 if you're here. Maybe this will be an unpopular opinion but, is there no way you can resolve this with the person in question? Are they also an adult? Even if it means agreeing to avoid one another? They really ought to be more mature at that age.

Of course, it does depend on just how serious this is. Obviously- if it's become borderline illegal then- parents do need to be informed. If it's bullying though, I'm just not sure. Sometimes 'ratting' on someone to parents or teachers etc. can make matters worse. I really hope it doesn't though.

What has your Mum said to you before? To confront this person/ ignore them/ report them?

No that's ok, I know I'm being vague and didn't explain well in my original post. So this is a situation that imo, needs 3rd party intervention. The person that caused harm is manipulative, and I messed up because I said something that inadvertently enabled them (their gaslighting caused me to fawn). I've already blocked them and they're not a direct harm to me, but I'm trying to resolve what happened because a.) the situation has made me suicidal and unable to function properly b.) their partner deserves the truth about what happened. My mom is trying to help me because she knows how badly this situation has affected me. I made this post to gauge whether or not this is something I should consider in terms of being able to resolve the situation. Hopefully that makes some sense? I know it's confusing

 

[Forever Sleep]

No that's ok, I know I'm being vague and didn't explain well in my original post. So this is a situation that imo, needs 3rd party intervention. The person that caused harm is manipulative, and I messed up because I said something that inadvertently enabled them (their gaslighting caused me to fawn). I've already blocked them and they're not a direct harm to me, but I'm trying to resolve what happened because a.) the situation has made me suicidal and unable to function properly b.) their partner deserves the truth about what happened. My mom is trying to help me because she knows how badly this situation has affected me. I made this post to gauge whether or not this is something I should consider in terms of being able to resolve the situation. Hopefully that makes some sense? I know it's confusing

It's understandable you don't want to reveal everything. Better not to doxx yourself.

It does sound complicated and the person does sound dodgy. Seeing as you mentioned gas lighting, my mind jumped to them being a (possible) narcissist. If I'm honest, I think you should tread very carefully. I mentioned that I believe I grew up with a person with strong traits. They were very good at out maneuvering. Plus, they loved drama.

I'm really just guessing here but, you mentioned their partner and them knowing the truth. I'm assuming they have tainted your reputation in some way and you care enough about their partner to want the record set straight. That's understandable. You may also want to draw this person's attention to how manipulative their partner is. Is it revealing too much to reveal whether their partner is also a friend of yours?

All I would say- warn you- is that their partner is kind of already in their web I imagine. It seems likely they have already taken their partners side. I think it's sensible you've blocked this person but, (presumably) trying to reveal their true nature to those closest to them I imagine will infuriate them. So- I'd just be really careful.

Is your hope to rescue their partner from them? I think a lot of this depends on how you feel about their partner and, if they are a friend- what you are willing to risk. On the one hand, you may save them from what could be/ maybe already is a toxic relationship. On the other, they may be so taken in by this person that they shun you entirely.

I can completely understand how this has affected you though. I first became suicidal because of (suspected) narcissistic bullying. My bully managed to divide the class, teachers, even my parents. It turned my life on its head at the time. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. Are these people you can get away from? That's the other thing. I did eventually manage to cut this person out my life- more or less. I think it's often the best thing to do- if you can.

 

[unbelievablydead]

It's understandable you don't want to reveal everything. Better not to doxx yourself.

It does sound complicated and the person does sound dodgy. Seeing as you mentioned gas lighting, my mind jumped to them being a (possible) narcissist. If I'm honest, I think you should tread very carefully. I mentioned that I believe I grew up with a person with strong traits. They were very good at out maneuvering. Plus, they loved drama.

I'm really just guessing here but, you mentioned their partner and them knowing the truth. I'm assuming they have tainted your reputation in some way and you care enough about their partner to want the record set straight. That's understandable. You may also want to draw this person's attention to how manipulative their partner is. Is it revealing too much to reveal whether their partner is also a friend of yours?

All I would say- warn you- is that their partner is kind of already in their web I imagine. It seems likely they have already taken their partners side. I think it's sensible you've blocked this person but, (presumably) trying to reveal their true nature to those closest to them I imagine will infuriate them. So- I'd just be really careful.

Is your hope to rescue their partner from them? I think a lot of this depends on how you feel about their partner and, if they are a friend- what you are willing to risk. On the one hand, you may save them from what could be/ maybe already is a toxic relationship. On the other, they may be so taken in by this person that they shun you entirely.

I can completely understand how this has affected you though. I first became suicidal because of (suspected) narcissistic bullying. My bully managed to divide the class, teachers, even my parents. It turned my life on its head at the time. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. Are these people you can get away from? That's the other thing. I did eventually manage to cut this person out my life- more or less. I think it's often the best thing to do- if you can.

yes, i do suspect they are a narcissist, but i didn't realize this until it was too late. unfortunately, i got swayed to think a certain way about the situation and it just messed everything up. that's not at all to take away accountability from me because i should've known better and done the right thing at the beginning, but this is an effort to fix what happened. i know it's extreme to reach out to their family, but i truly think it's the only way since i can't talk to either of the people involved directly. i wish i could just let this situation be, but the whole thing just feels like an ongoing moral stain that i just can't seem to wipe and it's left me completely debilitated for months. so part of this is to help me and the other is to save their partner who i should've looked out for more when i had the chance.

 

[Forever Sleep]

yes, i do suspect they are a narcissist, but i didn't realize this until it was too late. unfortunately, i got swayed to think a certain way about the situation and it just messed everything up. that's not at all to take away accountability from me because i should've known better and done the right thing at the beginning, but this is an effort to fix what happened. i know it's extreme to reach out to their family, but i truly think it's the only way since i can't talk to either of the people involved directly. i wish i could just let this situation be, but the whole thing just feels like an ongoing moral stain that i just can't seem to wipe and it's left me completely debilitated for months. so part of this is to help me and the other is to save their partner who i should've looked out for more when i had the chance.

Is your Mum contacting the mother of the (suspected) narcissist or, their partner's Mum? Do you want to remain friends with the partner? Again, it's tricky to say. I'm sure you've both thought about it carefully and feel it's best to get the whole thing straightened out.

I just don't know really. I guess it depends on how open everyone's going to be to seeing certain truths. I doubt it's nice for a parent to realise they're created someone who is manipulative and possibly narcissistic.

Do you know the parents well? I worry that narcissists can sometimes create narcissists in their children. Plus, assuming so much of their identity is wrapped up in their children, I'm not sure they'll want to hear or even be willing to see the bad in them.

I suppose you could warn the partners parents although, that could very much be seen as back stabbing. I'm just worried that these sorts of people aren't always all that reasonable and, they're unlikely to go down without a fight.

Is it their partners opinion of you, you want to correct the most? I think in a way, you need to consider what you want most, and what's likely to happen. I imagine the person in question will view this as you trying to turn people against them. Even if you also confess to behaviours that weren't great either, in my experience- these sorts of people don't enjoy any blame being placed on them. I'd just be careful.

But then, I don't know for sure. Maybe this is the best course of action. Get it all on the open. It might teach them not to pull a stunt like this again with you. Has your Mum already sent the message?

 

[unbelievablydead]

Is your Mum contacting the mother of the (suspected) narcissist or, their partner's Mum? Do you want to remain friends with the partner? Again, it's tricky to say. I'm sure you've both thought about it carefully and feel it's best to get the whole thing straightened out.

I just don't know really. I guess it depends on how open everyone's going to be to seeing certain truths. I doubt it's nice for a parent to realise they're created someone who is manipulative and possibly narcissistic.

Do you know the parents well? I worry that narcissists can sometimes create narcissists in their children. Plus, assuming so much of their identity is wrapped up in their children, I'm not sure they'll want to hear or even be willing to see the bad in them.

I suppose you could warn the partners parents although, that could very much be seen as back stabbing. I'm just worried that these sorts of people aren't always all that reasonable and, they're unlikely to go down without a fight.

Is it their partners opinion of you, you want to correct the most? I think in a way, you need to consider what you want most, and what's likely to happen. I imagine the person in question will view this as you trying to turn people against them. Even if you also confess to behaviours that weren't great either, in my experience- these sorts of people don't enjoy any blame being placed on them. I'd just be careful.

But then, I don't know for sure. Maybe this is the best course of action. Get it all on the open. It might teach them not to pull a stunt like this again with you. Has your Mum already sent the message?

It's the the partner's mom, which I feel like gives me some leeway because they'd want to protect their own daughter too. But yeah... I know there's a lot of risk involved, I'm just kind of desperate. I just feel like I lost all of my peace in this situation because I'm the only one who knows the truth. And no, she hasn't sent it yet, we need to discuss all the pros and cons and next steps. But these are all great questions to consider so I'll be thinking on them.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's the the partner's mom, which I feel like gives me some leeway because they'd want to protect their own daughter too. But yeah... I know there's a lot of risk involved, I'm just kind of desperate. I just feel like I lost all of my peace in this situation because I'm the only one who knows the truth. And no, she hasn't sent it yet, we need to discuss all the pros and cons and next steps. But these are all great questions to consider so I'll be thinking on them.

You're in such a difficult situation. In some ways, it's better for everyone to know the truth. It might be saving them if this person goes on to continue to act like this and worse but yeah, just be careful.

 

[unbelievablydead]

You're in such a difficult situation. In some ways, it's better for everyone to know the truth. It might be saving them if this person goes on to continue to act like this and worse but yeah, just be careful.

Thank you. I know, and this is why I'm suicidal. I just feel so stuck and hopeless. Honestly, hoping for a miracle at this point.