Somewhat Suicidal
surviving anhedonia ≠ living
- Aug 26, 2026
- 512
Just need to get this off my chest...
Lately I've been flip flopping between those 2 all the time. It's been like that for 1 and half months now I think.
There's often these moments, mostly during the later stages of a certain day where I have some hope regarding treatment, getting my shit done and building some resemblance of a normal life again. Then the next morning I wake up, feeling like utter shit and wished I just died in my sleep and didn't have to return to consciously living in this dreadful existence where everything I have to do in oder to simply maintain my physical body in a presentable manner exhausts me to my core. Not to even speak of things that might be worth doing in order to (re-)build said normal life, re- in brackets because I'm not sure I ever had a normal one to begin with, although I definitely was way more functional as a kid, teen and even young adult through various up and downs in my 20s. Now even the tiniest challenges make me feel desperate and impossible to overcome. Even when during my brighter moments I occasionally overcome one, it just flips back to feeling like complete shit soon there after.
This shit just sucks!!! It fucking sucks! How is one supposed to get anything done with a mind that's constantly sabotaging any attempt to do so, it seems utterly impossible to do so. While struggling with the most basic shit one also has to watch all the fucking normies not having to give a care in the world about the things that I'm struggling with while good things just happen to them naturally on basically a daily basis and they cry about some ridiculous 1st world problems instead, not realising at all how freaking lucky they are to be functional and able to get most of their shit done with relative ease and without giving it much thought. Not even talking about bonding with people and having friendships and find love... It just is repulsive to see that every time I try to take part in so called normal life again and makes me want to crawl just back into my bed and stop existing all together...
The only place to take some shelter from this mental mess seems to be this site and occasionally talking to my dad in order to get my mind occupied somehow with anything else. But it's just a temporary fix to permanent problems.
Fuck my stupid brain for being this dysfunctional mess!
Sorry, probably quite useless to read this, but thank you anyway if you did; just had to get that out of my system... again
Love u, lads & lasses
Lately I've been flip flopping between those 2 all the time. It's been like that for 1 and half months now I think.
There's often these moments, mostly during the later stages of a certain day where I have some hope regarding treatment, getting my shit done and building some resemblance of a normal life again. Then the next morning I wake up, feeling like utter shit and wished I just died in my sleep and didn't have to return to consciously living in this dreadful existence where everything I have to do in oder to simply maintain my physical body in a presentable manner exhausts me to my core. Not to even speak of things that might be worth doing in order to (re-)build said normal life, re- in brackets because I'm not sure I ever had a normal one to begin with, although I definitely was way more functional as a kid, teen and even young adult through various up and downs in my 20s. Now even the tiniest challenges make me feel desperate and impossible to overcome. Even when during my brighter moments I occasionally overcome one, it just flips back to feeling like complete shit soon there after.
This shit just sucks!!! It fucking sucks! How is one supposed to get anything done with a mind that's constantly sabotaging any attempt to do so, it seems utterly impossible to do so. While struggling with the most basic shit one also has to watch all the fucking normies not having to give a care in the world about the things that I'm struggling with while good things just happen to them naturally on basically a daily basis and they cry about some ridiculous 1st world problems instead, not realising at all how freaking lucky they are to be functional and able to get most of their shit done with relative ease and without giving it much thought. Not even talking about bonding with people and having friendships and find love... It just is repulsive to see that every time I try to take part in so called normal life again and makes me want to crawl just back into my bed and stop existing all together...
The only place to take some shelter from this mental mess seems to be this site and occasionally talking to my dad in order to get my mind occupied somehow with anything else. But it's just a temporary fix to permanent problems.
Fuck my stupid brain for being this dysfunctional mess!
Sorry, probably quite useless to read this, but thank you anyway if you did; just had to get that out of my system... again
Love u, lads & lasses
Last edited:
It just depends on which part is at the helm in a given moment, whether I'm enthusiastic and hopeful, or depressed and suicidal...
