readytogotomorrow
Member
- Mar 15, 2020
- 6
So, I'm 18 now and am from SEA and live here too. The country I'm in is very religious however, I was raised as an Atheist, my father is especially Anti-Theist. I grew up believing scientific explanations for our existence such as evolution and the big bang.
I've never really believed in God. It's really not a capability of my mind. Like even if I wanted to believe, my mind is just like, almost a hundred percent doubtful.
But my SN is on the way (I think it's arriving tomorrow) and I was reading up on the method again just to revise and make sure everything goes well.
I've tried to CTB a lot of times. Most notably hanging and ODs. Of course all of them failed. But one thing I've never worried about when doing this was, my parents or siblings reaction. I never really cared if my friends or family would be sad. But for some reason I feel so fucking bad right now about whoever finds me and what trauma I'm giving to everyone after it happens (to be fair they gave me lifelong trauma too). I've also never ever in my whole life feared going to hell. But earlier I got a detailed vision of being stuck in that scary place.
This is insane, I've been wanting to ctb for 9 years and now that I've finally gotten a method that will most likely go well I'm suddenly overthinking everything all over again.
I hope I don't get nightmares of hell before I ctb.
I've never really believed in God. It's really not a capability of my mind. Like even if I wanted to believe, my mind is just like, almost a hundred percent doubtful.
But my SN is on the way (I think it's arriving tomorrow) and I was reading up on the method again just to revise and make sure everything goes well.
I've tried to CTB a lot of times. Most notably hanging and ODs. Of course all of them failed. But one thing I've never worried about when doing this was, my parents or siblings reaction. I never really cared if my friends or family would be sad. But for some reason I feel so fucking bad right now about whoever finds me and what trauma I'm giving to everyone after it happens (to be fair they gave me lifelong trauma too). I've also never ever in my whole life feared going to hell. But earlier I got a detailed vision of being stuck in that scary place.
This is insane, I've been wanting to ctb for 9 years and now that I've finally gotten a method that will most likely go well I'm suddenly overthinking everything all over again.
I hope I don't get nightmares of hell before I ctb.