Venting First post. Struggling to heal.

[sideways_spiral]

My mind feels consumed by the will to die this week. I've battled the urge for most of my life now. I've gone through periods where I think I'm closer to figuring it out, closer to healing. Then I fall back on my face and wonder, am I actually getting any better at this?

I put in a fair amount of work. Therapy, journaling, meditation, breathwork, reading. I finally tried medication, but it didn't go well. I understand it's not a linear path, and I understand it takes time. But lately it feels like the more aware I become of how I got here, the more hopeless it feels. I see how my childhood trauma, intergenerational trauma, and so many years of going at life with undiagnosed ADHD have led to this mess. But I'm struggling to find the energy to heal, to rewire my brain, to unfuck my life. I'm living in survival mode just trying to pay the bills. I'm trying to regulate my nervous system while the US is going insane. The future of humanity looks pretty grim, and I'm not very enthused about being a part of it. I thought I finally found a healthy romantic relationship. I did find it healing for a minute, until she recently decided she's not ready for a relationship. So now I'm getting over this breakup on top of the usual bullshit. And I've been sick this week so I can't go to the gym and exercise, which is exactly what I could use right now.

Blah blah blah. Lots of complaining, I know. I do try to write about gratitude, I know that helps. But I'm often finding that I don't really feel it. I write down things I know I should be grateful for. Yet I feel disconnected behind a wall of mental illness.

Anyway, how are you?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome to SaSu!

 

[MyShadow]

You definitely seem pretty balanced and aware. I am sorry about the breakup though. I just experienced that recently as well and it does make things harder.

The good thing about this forum is that you can vent whatever is bothering you and nobody will judge you.

 

[Lions303]

I'm sorry things are looking well at the moment and by the sounds of it, things haven't been looking well for a while. I do admire your desire to improve and attempt to make things better Even when something 'didn't go well' you get up and try something else and Im proud of you for that in of itself. Its so hard to keep getting up and fighting when you put it pretty well 'humanity looks pretty grim' would you say you ask also 'whats the point?'? The 'complaining' is welcome and here is a place for venting, nonjudgmental listening and support

 

[unluckysadness]

Welcome here I agree the other comments. You can say what you want with no judgement. I've talked about things I told to nobody in the rela life, but I feel confident on this forum. People are so nice. Having this place which is open 24/7 is a God's gift for me. I really hope governments won't shut it down because paradoxically, it saves lives.

 

[EternalShore]

Welcome to SS~ :) I'm sorry that you feel the need to join here, but I hope you can find kindness, warmth, and empathy while you're here~ :)
It's good that you put in work for recovery, and I hope it one day pays off with you having a good life! ^_^ Additionally, I'm really sorry that you have to suffer through a break-up, and I really hope you can find you someone else, someone who can make you feel happier~ :) Being single feels absolutely awful~ :(
Get well soon, and I hope going to the gym can help you break out of depression when you are able to go! ^_^ In the meantime, sleep is a nice break from the suffering of consciousness and can help you overcome sickness too~ :) I even hear that getting good sleep can make you stronger too! :3
I wish you the best~ ^_^

 

[sideways_spiral]

I really appreciate the warm welcomes and support. It's nice to have a safe place to put my thoughts out there, and be heard by people who get what it feels like. Your words mean the world to me, and I hope that it brings more light into your lives as well.

You definitely seem pretty balanced and aware.

Thank you. My therapist has told me the same. The challenge has been to make practical progress with the awareness. I was listening to a podcast last night, and the interviewee spoke about knowing and seeing everything that's wrong with her and understanding how her trauma and childhood have shaped her behavioral patterns. But just knowing it doesn't mean she's growing. She spends 2-3 hours a day just regulating her nervous system so she can function in the world.

This is where I am struggling to progress. I'm becoming more and more aware of the problem, but the more I zoom out, the more I can see the size of the mountain. And so I keep asking myself: is this mountain even worth climbing now? Can I find the energy? The very fact that I can see death as an option undermines my ability to build that energy.

How do you experience the climb?

I'm sorry things are looking well at the moment and by the sounds of it, things haven't been looking well for a while. I do admire your desire to improve and attempt to make things better Even when something 'didn't go well' you get up and try something else and Im proud of you for that in of itself. Its so hard to keep getting up and fighting when you put it pretty well 'humanity looks pretty grim' would you say you ask also 'whats the point?'? The 'complaining' is welcome and here is a place for venting, nonjudgmental listening and support

Thank you for your support. I definitely ask, "What's the point?" I've been asking it forever. In all that I've read and experienced, I tend to return to the idea that the point is whatever you make it. I find myself envying those with a rich spiritual experience, people who can easily connect to a higher power. I think it makes life much smoother. I've tried, but religious trauma has made it difficult. My tragic flaw is cynicism and it keeps me disconnected.

What do you think the point is?

Welcome to SS~ :) I'm sorry that you feel the need to join here, but I hope you can find kindness, warmth, and empathy while you're here~ :)
It's good that you put in work for recovery, and I hope it one day pays off with you having a good life! ^_^ Additionally, I'm really sorry that you have to suffer through a break-up, and I really hope you can find you someone else, someone who can make you feel happier~ :) Being single feels absolutely awful~ :(
Get well soon, and I hope going to the gym can help you break out of depression when you are able to go! ^_^ In the meantime, sleep is a nice break from the suffering of consciousness and can help you overcome sickness too~ :) I even hear that getting good sleep can make you stronger too! :3
I wish you the best~ ^_^

Thank you! Pink is my favorite color, I love that you use it as your text style. I wish you the best as well!

 

[MyShadow]

How do you experience the climb?

We are experiencing a lot of the same things. A significant breakup. Being stuck in survival mode. Watching the US implode. It's all impacted my ability to cope and sent the symptoms of my mental illness through the roof and added a few more along the way. Everything that could have gone wrong in the past year has gone horribly wrong.

As far as my climb goes, after years of doing the work and improving my situation, I've slid down to base camp. Square One. It feels like all of the effort of the past has been for naught and I am staring not at just a mountain, but an avalanche of pain and isolation crashing in on me.

 

[Lions303]

Thank you for your support. I definitely ask, "What's the point?" I've been asking it forever. In all that I've read and experienced, I tend to return to the idea that the point is whatever you make it. I find myself envying those with a rich spiritual experience, people who can easily connect to a higher power. I think it makes life much smoother. I've tried, but religious trauma has made it difficult. My tragic flaw is cynicism and it keeps me disconnected.

What do you think the point is?

Ah okay, I just ask that just so we have a meaning of relating and sharing an experience. Yeah I think I agree, id phrase it slightly differently, that being purpose So in the sense of you make whatever you make your purpose. That sounds fucking awesome about the spiritual experience, this I agree with you on too. Spiritual practices doesn't necessarily need to be religious nor does it need to have a bridge between them.