My mind feels consumed by the will to die this week. I've battled the urge for most of my life now. I've gone through periods where I think I'm closer to figuring it out, closer to healing. Then I fall back on my face and wonder, am I actually getting any better at this?
I put in a fair amount of work. Therapy, journaling, meditation, breathwork, reading. I finally tried medication, but it didn't go well. I understand it's not a linear path, and I understand it takes time. But lately it feels like the more aware I become of how I got here, the more hopeless it feels. I see how my childhood trauma, intergenerational trauma, and so many years of going at life with undiagnosed ADHD have led to this mess. But I'm struggling to find the energy to heal, to rewire my brain, to unfuck my life. I'm living in survival mode just trying to pay the bills. I'm trying to regulate my nervous system while the US is going insane. The future of humanity looks pretty grim, and I'm not very enthused about being a part of it. I thought I finally found a healthy romantic relationship. I did find it healing for a minute, until she recently decided she's not ready for a relationship. So now I'm getting over this breakup on top of the usual bullshit. And I've been sick this week so I can't go to the gym and exercise, which is exactly what I could use right now.
Blah blah blah. Lots of complaining, I know. I do try to write about gratitude, I know that helps. But I'm often finding that I don't really feel it. I write down things I know I should be grateful for. Yet I feel disconnected behind a wall of mental illness.
Anyway, how are you?
I put in a fair amount of work. Therapy, journaling, meditation, breathwork, reading. I finally tried medication, but it didn't go well. I understand it's not a linear path, and I understand it takes time. But lately it feels like the more aware I become of how I got here, the more hopeless it feels. I see how my childhood trauma, intergenerational trauma, and so many years of going at life with undiagnosed ADHD have led to this mess. But I'm struggling to find the energy to heal, to rewire my brain, to unfuck my life. I'm living in survival mode just trying to pay the bills. I'm trying to regulate my nervous system while the US is going insane. The future of humanity looks pretty grim, and I'm not very enthused about being a part of it. I thought I finally found a healthy romantic relationship. I did find it healing for a minute, until she recently decided she's not ready for a relationship. So now I'm getting over this breakup on top of the usual bullshit. And I've been sick this week so I can't go to the gym and exercise, which is exactly what I could use right now.
Blah blah blah. Lots of complaining, I know. I do try to write about gratitude, I know that helps. But I'm often finding that I don't really feel it. I write down things I know I should be grateful for. Yet I feel disconnected behind a wall of mental illness.
Anyway, how are you?
I agree the other comments. You can say what you want with no judgement. I've talked about things I told to nobody in the rela life, but I feel confident on this forum. People are so nice. Having this place which is open 24/7 is a God's gift for me. I really hope governments won't shut it down because paradoxically, it saves lives.
