first post, i just need advice.

[anonymousbunny]

hello. I'm new to this site so I'm sorry if I dont format things correctly.
Mods, if anything here goes against the rules please let me know.

I'm struggling immensely with suicidal thoughts and self-hatred.
I have friends, they love me, I know they do, but i still can't love myself. i hate myself for the smallest mistakes, things out of my control.

when I was 9 I was sexually assaulted, and that trauma shaped a big part of me. I'm 18, obsessed with sex, occasionally struggling with porn. I have a boyfriend who I love ever so dearly and he understands me so well, yet I worry I haven't done enough. now, I have a crush on my best friend, a heavy crush, and I feel desires I don't want to have. my boyfriend knows and understands, so does my best friend, but none of us know what to do at all. all of this has resulted in me tearing myself apart for days. I have a heavy feeling on my chest and suicide is constantly on my mind.

I want to live. I want to be better. i dont want to be so obsessed with sex and pleasure. I want my relationship with my boyfriend to be okay and I want to remain good friends with my best friend, and this crush I have is making everything fall apart. I dont even know if I'm making sense. I'm scatterbrained as I'm writing this. please, someone, anyone help. I feel fucking awful and I feel this is my fault. and I dont want to continously vent to my friends. I worry I'm hurting them this way but I can't bottle this up. I'm sorry.
as much as they understand me, especially my boyfriend and my best friend, i still feel evil for these desires. i feel they deserve better. it all makes me sick. I've struggled with self harm and suicidal thoughts for awhile but I'm especially considering suicide now to relieve the burden on others. they say they love me and dont want me gone but my self-image is so fucking distorted that I still see myself as doing more harm than good.

 

[puella]

I pushed away all my friends recently because I noticed that venting to them repeatedly was becoming annoying to them. I know it's hard to think about, but trust me, people care enough about you to put up with it. If you need someone else to vent to, I'm always here for you.

I'm actually asexual. I'm not sure if this is the same as how you feel, so forgive me if I cause offense. But I develop some level of romantic feelings for essentially everyone. It has been difficult when I've been in monogamous relationships. I think you're doing a great job of communicating with your boyfriend and your friend; I'm proud of how you're handling everything so far. Your desires don't make you evil—they're natural and impossible to control. All you can control is how you act, and you've been doing a good job.