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i am so lainpilled :3 (? days left)
- Apr 15, 2023
- 264
Idk what to write but here's a swaggy epic summary!! (in point form so it's easier to read)
I've lurked here for a couple months now but have generally been too scared to post anything for fear of rejection and criticism for not being "positive". Ik it may seem irrational considering this is a pro-CTB forum and all but I guess these fears were based upon what happens whenever I try to seek help irl. I turned 18 pretty recently and thought things would magically change but I guess not. I finally have some semblance of a social circle, however, I'm not close enough with anyone to talk about my problems. I have been considering ending it recently and have been looking into purchasing stuff needed for my desired CTB method since I've just given up on my tragic/worthless existence, however, I hope to make some like-minded friends on SS in my final weeks or potentially days :)
- 18f
- Grew up in physically/emotionally abusive lower-middle class single-parent household
- Formerly a "gifted" child with "high potential"; now dropped out halfway through final year of school and have had to abandon numerous leadership and extracurricular opportunities and dreams of attending a prestigious uni
- CTB ideation since 7 years old (has gotten significantly worse since 10/11)
- Have been placed in 2 psych wards (as of now)
- Poor self esteem/body dysmorphia (feeling unfeminine b/c of nose, height, weight, teeth etc)
- Started engaging in SH from 10 (clean for a few months now tho)
- Accused of being "demon possessed" when things started getting worse around 13 (severe school anxiety/declining attendance, outbursts etc)
- Have always struggled with social skills and basic human interaction
- Have let myself be basically s*xually abused by older strangers online so they didn't abandon me
- Lived with other parent for a bit but that situation ended up becoming stressful so had to leave (strict academic standards, wasn't allowed therapy or a job, regularly felt like i didn't belong there, told that "if i kms, nobody would care", blamed for things i didn't do, called a "parasite" despite being a literal child/teen)
- Have suspected autism for a while now but idk if I could do anything since parents are uncooperative (has been suspected by multiple mental health professionals but nothing i can do; would rather not be alive than live with autism under my current circumstances)
- Cost-of-living is awful so I'd probably have to move to another city to be able to escape current home
- Overall just feeling like a bum/waste-of-space/failure
I've lurked here for a couple months now but have generally been too scared to post anything for fear of rejection and criticism for not being "positive". Ik it may seem irrational considering this is a pro-CTB forum and all but I guess these fears were based upon what happens whenever I try to seek help irl. I turned 18 pretty recently and thought things would magically change but I guess not. I finally have some semblance of a social circle, however, I'm not close enough with anyone to talk about my problems. I have been considering ending it recently and have been looking into purchasing stuff needed for my desired CTB method since I've just given up on my tragic/worthless existence, however, I hope to make some like-minded friends on SS in my final weeks or potentially days :)
