finally wanting to live but ctb date is in 1/2 weeks

[starlessnight]

After years of making it a fact that i would die this year, I've suddenly found the desire to live. I want to make it past the date I set. I don't really know what changed, but for the past month or two I've been much happier or better or whatever this good feeling is and found myself wanting to live a longer life. But as the date gets closer, I'm starting to go back to my suicidal thoughts and behaviour. It's not that I want to die, I feel like I have to. Thinking about the upcoming date reminds me of all the bad times and I don't know if it's a trigger or my mind is thinking "all that suffering for nothing?". Like I finally almost made it to the date and now I'm not going through with it? No matter how much i want to live, I have to ctb. It's like a prophecy I can't evade.

Or maybe deep down I wasn't actually better? I just wanted to enjoy the last few months knowing that my real and last ctb date (not the ones that came from impulse, the one I've planned for years) was soon. I made a detailed plan for the first time and have been following it for months to make sure I'd be ready for my ctb date which was something I've never done and maybe that's why all my other attempts to ctb never worked. So maybe this is the high that people get right before they ctb because they have everything ready? But at the same time, I feel like I genuinely do want to live and it's not just some high.

Another theory is that the past few months were just part of the endless cycle I always go through: 1. severely depressed 2. attempt or plan my attempt 3. back out and open up to someone 4. get "better"/help 5. regret and quiet down a bit 6. repeat. But I also don't think this is the case because this time is different. I'm actually doing things to avoid going through that cycle again. I used to just let it happen. I wanted it to happen. Now I'm actually trying.

What I'm trying to say is, what tf do I do? Or any advice? Because I want to live (I think so anyways, I don't even know at this point), but what if I can't? Should I just let go of this dream of wanting to live and accept my fate?

 

[Jorms_McGander]

My advice is to exhaust your will to live by actually trying at life. So you missed a date--you're not prepared for that date. That's okay. Read back what you've written; do you feel ready to die?

In my opinion, suicide will only get harder the further you are from acceptance and there seems to be a large part of you which has not accepted. So why not listen to that side of yourself for a while and see what you can do. Perhaps you will find yourself living a happy life with no desire to CTB. Or not, but I'd say that you are not ready for the decision you can never come back from.

There's absolutely no shame in knowing that. Have you also posted similarly on the recovery side of this forum?

 

[shimmerdeath]

keep fighting. if there is an urge within you to live, keep living. keep seeking support. don't ctb just because you feel like you have to. no one has to ctb no matter how much they planned it. you can back out now, so take the chance to live, you won't have it if you give in. it's not "fate", there is no such thing. your existence is merely your choice right now, it's completely up to you, and you hold all the power on this decision. i'd hold on to this will to live for now. after all, death is irreversible, so you must take such considerations seriously and think it through first. of course you can ctb, but it's something you may regret far too late to come back. same can't be said about life. you may regret living, but you can always stop it. so stay in control, hold onto your hope for now.

 

[UKscotty]

This is why setting dates is such a bad idea, they just leave a sense of anxiety and they add nothing useful to our lives.

We can only CTB once we are fully ready.

A lot of people will tell you how much they hate all life, hate existence, hate this and hate that, but all still here. Whilst there is hope we can't CTB. It's a journey not an on and off switch.

Be gentle on yourself, good luck whatever you decide.

 

[Forveleth]

Suicide is not "fate" and it's not "destiny". It is 100% a choice that is yours and your alone. You control whether or not you make an attempt to ctb.

As UKScotty said, this is why you don't set dates. It just puts pressure on you. It rules out options. It makes you feel obligated to make major life choices that you are not ready to make.

To be quite frank, the answer is simple. If you aren't feeling suicidal at the moment, don't try. Suicide should be done only when you are 100% sure it is the course of action for you. If you are having any doubts at all, you aren't ready.

Take a breath. Relax. Visit the Recovery forum. Give yourself time. Don't make hasty decisions based on how you felt months ago. Life changes and evolves and you need to be able to change and evolve with it. You can always come back to ctb if you find it isn't working for you after all.

 

[starlessnight]

My advice is to exhaust your will to live by actually trying at life. So you missed a date--you're not prepared for that date. That's okay. Read back what you've written; do you feel ready to die?

In my opinion, suicide will only get harder the further you are from acceptance and there seems to be a large part of you which has not accepted. So why not listen to that side of yourself for a while and see what you can do. Perhaps you will find yourself living a happy life with no desire to CTB. Or not, but I'd say that you are not ready for the decision you can never come back from.

There's absolutely no shame in knowing that. Have you also posted similarly on the recovery side of this forum?

Do I feel ready to die? Kind of. I've planned everything and I've had a good last few months of living, so it's like a happy ending. I'd leave in better circumstances which seems quite positive. I guess I'm physically ready, but maybe not 100% mentally ready since this newfound will to live. Not anymore anyways.

I'm not sure what you mean by acceptance, but I agree with the idea of seeing what I can do. I'll try to give life a proper chance and if it doesn't work out, we'll see what I do from there.

I was thinking of posting on the recovery section, I might do that! Thank you

keep fighting. if there is an urge within you to live, keep living. keep seeking support. don't ctb just because you feel like you have to. no one has to ctb no matter how much they planned it. you can back out now, so take the chance to live, you won't have it if you give in. it's not "fate", there is no such thing. your existence is merely your choice right now, it's completely up to you, and you hold all the power on this decision. i'd hold on to this will to live for now. after all, death is irreversible, so you must take such considerations seriously and think it through first. of course you can ctb, but it's something you may regret far too late to come back. same can't be said about life. you may regret living, but you can always stop it. so stay in control, hold onto your hope for now.

Thank you for this, you really helped and gave me a lot of hope! I think I'm scared that I won't be able to stop it if I regret living though. This is like my final chance to ctb. After that, I have to accept life and keep living even if I don't want to. Like this is the only time I will have these circumstances and be able to ctb. But for now, I'll try to do what you said and stay hopeful and in control.

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

It is only you that can decide. I am still alive because I am obliged to my cats and I must take care of them - but I believe they will be cared about if I don't make it.

 

[UmbraDweller]

It's not like you made obligatory appointment with death. It can be done anytime and nothing happens if it's not on that specific date. It's alright, come back when you are ready.

 

[ham and potatoes]

Because I want to live

then live!
you can always change you mind and ctb later

 

[everythingoes]

You have all the time in the world to CTB. If you don't yet feel like doing it, then don't do it.

 

[Coconut blue]

don't treat the date you set for ctb like a due date by which you have to carry out the act. ctb is permanent and you can do it at any time.

 

[Raven2]

If theres still hope within you then hold onto it even if it's only temporary.

Ctb option will always be there if you feel the hope has gone in the future

 

[jbear824]

Maybe go check out the recovery forum?