ImpairedLowlife
Empty and hollow
- Aug 3, 2020
- 413
Since my early teens I've always disliked my appearance. It warried from slight dissatisfaction with myself to straight pure hatred.
At first I never realized what is exactly wrong with me and I just thought I was ugly in general, but later on I've learned about different messed up proportions, characteristics, ugly features I've had.
It was really rough and it was a huge contributing factor to my CTB tendencies.
No amount of love from other people, no amount of "compliments" or reassuring words like "looks are subjective; there are people who will like you the way you are; you had a gf, you can't be that ugly" really helped. It all felt like a worthless and untrue cope. A single look into a mirror reminded me of the ugly reality. I've felt insecure around other people and honestly just existing in this disguising body.
But after so many years, I've learned how to mitigate some of the issues with skincare, some beauty procedures and few months ago I've finally got braces and bite blockers to improve the bite/face proportions. And I have a plastic surgery coming up this September, which will finally fix one of my biggest insecurities/flaws.
And now, looking in the mirror, I don't experience so much self hatred. I'm actually able to see and even appreciate some of my good features, which were previously completely outshined by problematic areas. And seeing progress with braces, face proportions, better skin, hair quality is fking amazing. Actually feeling somewhat resembling self-love is quite an unreal feeling to me. It honestly does feel like a dream sometimes, but it is the reality.
The path to self love actually was all along improving, fixing my issues and not trying to cope or ignore it.
I've always felt like the best, if not the only way to get happier is to fix the problems instead of trying to learn to cope with it or not seeing it as a problem, and I wasn't wrong about that at all.
Also I wasn't able to really change anything about myself or my life for so long and now I do feel like I have control over my life again, which is a huge factor why I'm feeling so hopeful again.
Hopefully this doesn't come as a lookism promoting post. I never really care about how other people look, but my looks really bothered me. If you are happy with the way you are, that's awesome! But I was really not and finally being able to change it for better made an incredible difference for me.
Edit: This recovery and self improvement journey is far from over. In fact it's only the beginning, but future does look bring for once.
At first I never realized what is exactly wrong with me and I just thought I was ugly in general, but later on I've learned about different messed up proportions, characteristics, ugly features I've had.
It was really rough and it was a huge contributing factor to my CTB tendencies.
No amount of love from other people, no amount of "compliments" or reassuring words like "looks are subjective; there are people who will like you the way you are; you had a gf, you can't be that ugly" really helped. It all felt like a worthless and untrue cope. A single look into a mirror reminded me of the ugly reality. I've felt insecure around other people and honestly just existing in this disguising body.
But after so many years, I've learned how to mitigate some of the issues with skincare, some beauty procedures and few months ago I've finally got braces and bite blockers to improve the bite/face proportions. And I have a plastic surgery coming up this September, which will finally fix one of my biggest insecurities/flaws.
And now, looking in the mirror, I don't experience so much self hatred. I'm actually able to see and even appreciate some of my good features, which were previously completely outshined by problematic areas. And seeing progress with braces, face proportions, better skin, hair quality is fking amazing. Actually feeling somewhat resembling self-love is quite an unreal feeling to me. It honestly does feel like a dream sometimes, but it is the reality.
The path to self love actually was all along improving, fixing my issues and not trying to cope or ignore it.
I've always felt like the best, if not the only way to get happier is to fix the problems instead of trying to learn to cope with it or not seeing it as a problem, and I wasn't wrong about that at all.
Also I wasn't able to really change anything about myself or my life for so long and now I do feel like I have control over my life again, which is a huge factor why I'm feeling so hopeful again.
Hopefully this doesn't come as a lookism promoting post. I never really care about how other people look, but my looks really bothered me. If you are happy with the way you are, that's awesome! But I was really not and finally being able to change it for better made an incredible difference for me.
Edit: This recovery and self improvement journey is far from over. In fact it's only the beginning, but future does look bring for once.
