Venting Final exam in 2 days

[RealLostSoul]

In 2 days I have my final exam of my paramedic course. I am so wasted though and can't continue on. I am calm about my impending suicide and know it won't matter if I pass or not BUT the thing is this test is designed in a way that you do it with a partner. So there are groups of 2 people and you need to show that you are able to do the tasks (like CPR, intubation, etc) properly together. My partner is someone I don't know other than from the courses itself but I honestly would feel shitty if I don't go to there like I initially planned. I don't want to let anyone down even "strangers" for that matter so I will try my best despite knowing that it will not matter as I am losing life in the near future anyways. It's a strange feeling.

Anyone able to give me a few words of mental reinforcement for that day because I am so burnt out I have no energy to do it. I want to fulfill my duty before death though.

 

[whywere]

YOU are a awesome, thoughtful and kind person! You are much better than me, heck if I see blood, good night!, I pass out. The world needs more people like YOU. Kind, generous, one who thinks of other people and their feelings, you are truly a wonderful human being and such a great global family member. I stand in your shadow and wish I could do what you are doing. I was in a real bad car crash in 2015, car crash NOT my fault, and I was knocked out cold, but from what some of the witness said that saw the crash, the paramedics that arrived to help me were outstanding in caring for me at the crash site. I figure that without the fantastic paramedics that came to help me, I would NOT be here today. I truly am in awe of you. Go get the exam, you ARE a winner, hands down!! Walter

 

[Neowise]

Sometimes we don't feel like doing certain things, but sometimes it is probably better to force oneself and do them anyways. In the end, there is nothing you can lose if you go there, right?

Only 2 more days and you are done with your studies. That is a great thing! I believe in you :)

 

[blue_muse]

Hats off to you; balancing study to qualify as a paramedic with your own trials and tribulations. You could teach the Marvel Universe a thing or two .

 

[WornOutLife]

I've felt like you many times and I can only tell you this:

"It ain't over till it's over"

No matter how desperate, depressed, angry, etc you feel. There's still time to fight.

Go for it!!! CTB is the last choice. Let's do our best before death!

Hugs and love,

Matt

 

[Alec]

It's really considerate of you, you are very brave and strong. I'm with you

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best, It sounds like a really demanding job. I know how hard it is to struggle to get motivated especially as we know that our lives don't mean anything and we will die soon.

 

[RealLostSoul]

Thank you all for the nice words! I appreciate it. And yes, I don't lose anything by going there. Even if I fail ,at least my assigned partner has someone to work with/a chance. I will keep you updated when I am done with!

 

[RealLostSoul]

Update: Today my class (8 people) wanted to meet in private to go through the relevant stuff for tomorrow's exam together. I actually felt the duty and went there and spoke to my partner. I told her that I am in a bad spot because of a stroke of fate / loss of loved one which is the truth although I obviously didn't mention that I am suicidal.
I said I will give my best regardless and she said it's okay. She can pass even if I fail. I am a good student so I won't be near bad enough for ruining it for her too.

anyways
I have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that soon everything will be dust. That my ass will be 6 feet under.
I won't say I wouldn't want life to give me a chance but the world just isn't for me. University life, other people in general, daily tasks, the ability to cope with permanent grief/loss. I may have a good study and friends and all that but I am the most miserable person alive. Well, I am comforted by the fact that it's soon all over. I can't keep going for many months, potentially years... impossible. It's sad that a lot of people won't see my face again but I am ready to die.
this forum helps me a lot with coping and coming to terms with the reality of death and suicide. It's not a joke or something that can be taken light heartedly. I am sad and miserable about the whole ordeal but it's my fate, what I was set out to do.

Sorry for my rambles.

 

[jusbug]

good luck for tomorrow try to give your best shot

 

[whywere]

Update: Today my class (8 people) wanted to meet in private to go through the relevant stuff for tomorrow's exam together. I actually felt the duty and went there and spoke to my partner. I told her that I am in a bad spot because of a stroke of fate / loss of loved one which is the truth although I obviously didn't mention that I am suicidal.
I said I will give my best regardless and she said it's okay. She can pass even if I fail. I am a good student so I won't be near bad enough for ruining it for her too.

anyways
I have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that soon everything will be dust. That my ass will be 6 feet under.
I won't say I wouldn't want life to give me a chance but the world just isn't for me. University life, other people in general, daily tasks, the ability to cope with permanent grief/loss. I may have a good study and friends and all that but I am the most miserable person alive. Well, I am comforted by the fact that it's soon all over. I can't keep going for many months, potentially years... impossible. It's sad that a lot of people won't see my face again but I am ready to die.
this forum helps me a lot with coping and coming to terms with the reality of death and suicide. It's not a joke or something that can be taken light heartedly. I am sad and miserable about the whole ordeal but it's my fate, what I was set out to do.

Sorry for my rambles.

You NEVER ramble, you ARE part of our global family and YOU are a smart person who will do will great. You are such a thoughtful and loving person towards your study/exam partner, it just show how smart you are! Walter

 

[Bullit]

I understand what you're saying about grief/loss and being miserable. Its so wrong that a good young person like you feels he has to ctb. I hope you give yourself every chance to hold on to life.
Unlike some here, I think life is good. How I wish it could be good like it used to be for me!
But I hope you find a way to get relief!!

 

[RealLostSoul]

Update: Wow this has to be a fateful joke. So I had the exam earlier today and remember what I said? Yea. I actually passed but my partner didn't. In fact, I actually ruined it for her. I'm not kidding. Let me explain how this exam worked so you can understand.

So we are 2 people and show off different skills like CPR and other first-aid patterns. There are two runs where they simulate a real life example and you have to react properly. One run is for you as the main ambulance guy and your partner is your "assistant", the second run is the other way around. So she went first and when we had to do the CPR on the dummy I pushed down too fast, probably because I was a little nervous in the beginning. The teacher then asked her if she is happy with my frequency [of my cardiac massage] and she said a little bit too shallow but else ok. Well, this rendered her failing the exam which is absolutely ridiculous in my opinion. I even asked the teacher how it is possible that she fails because of MY mistake, I told them I should be the one who has to repeat the exam but no they said she as the main paramedic needs to have her eyes upon her assistants. I can't believe someone dies because you do the cardiac massage too rapidly and another guy's at fault like wtf. Anyways I feel like shit because of it, everyone told me don't worry (including her) but I just can't wrap my mind around it. I'd rather have failed both parts (CPR was separated from other first aid patterns in this test: I passed both she failed CPR because of me.) than passing and ruining one part for another person.
At least I am hopefully able to go to the repeat exam and help her despite not being necessary. Hopefully, I can do that so I can make up for my bad mistake. That would be in about 2 weeks from now and would give me some more time to live and everything. The teachers were weird today, another dude failed because he spoke too quietly which is bizarre because I missed doing a blood sugar test which was the main part in my simulated example as the patient had hypoglycemia and I did the whole pattern not knowing why the patient is unconscious until the teacher said "you forgot about blood sugar" and I was like "yea what is it?" "40" "oh ok it's a hypoglycemic shock.". Yet I still passed. Idk it was a weird exam today. I think I'd be a good paramedic/doctor though, it's so sad that I think and want to ctb. I wish life would stop draining my will to live with its excruciating strokes of fate.

 

[Bullit]

Update: Wow this has to be a fateful joke. So I had the exam earlier today and remember what I said? Yea. I actually passed but my partner didn't. In fact, I actually ruined it for her. I'm not kidding. Let me explain how this exam worked so you can understand.

So we are 2 people and show off different skills like CPR and other first-aid patterns. There are two runs where they simulate a real life example and you have to react properly. One run is for you as the main ambulance guy and your partner is your "assistant", the second run is the other way around. So she went first and when we had to do the CPR on the dummy I pushed down too fast, probably because I was a little nervous in the beginning. The teacher then asked her if she is happy with my frequency [of my cardiac massage] and she said a little bit too shallow but else ok. Well, this rendered her failing the exam which is absolutely ridiculous in my opinion. I even asked the teacher how it is possible that she fails because of MY mistake, I told them I should be the one who has to repeat the exam but no they said she as the main paramedic needs to have her eyes upon her assistants. I can't believe someone dies because you do the cardiac massage too rapidly and another guy's at fault like wtf. Anyways I feel like shit because of it, everyone told me don't worry (including her) but I just can't wrap my mind around it. I'd rather have failed both parts (CPR was separated from other first aid patterns in this test: I passed both she failed CPR because of me.) than passing and ruining one part for another person.
At least I am hopefully able to go to the repeat exam and help her despite not being necessary. Hopefully, I can do that so I can make up for my bad mistake. That would be in about 2 weeks from now and would give me some more time to live and everything. The teachers were weird today, another dude failed because he spoke too quietly which is bizarre because I missed doing a blood sugar test which was the main part in my simulated example as the patient had hypoglycemia and I did the whole pattern not knowing why the patient is unconscious until the teacher said "you forgot about blood sugar" and I was like "yea what is it?" "40" "oh ok it's a hypoglycemic shock.". Yet I still passed. Idk it was a weird exam today. I think I'd be a good paramedic/doctor though, it's so sad that I think and want to ctb. I wish life would stop draining my will to live with its excruciating strokes of fate.

What if I CTB and someone finds me and calls 911...and you show up! You might say,hey its Bullit. Don't worry,ill let you go!

 

[DeadFireflies]

I know you feel bad but maybe other people can see your potential as a great doctor/paramedic too and your mistakes weren't as much your fault as you think they were. Some people just deserve chances and while it may feel unfair it was their choice and responsibility to give those to you while failing other people. That's not your fault. You're obviously a really good person who wants to help others not only in your choice of possible future profession but also the fact that you want others to succeed too. The world needs more of those types of people. The good, kind people that look out for others. Life is hard, unfair, frustrating and confusing. It's filled with struggles and occasionally likes to kick you when you're down. I know you want to end things and it's ultimately your choice but always know that there's never any rush in that regard. Life can change in the blink of an eye and you're clearly intelligent and have a lot to give and there's a chance that life will have things to give you in return and reasons to make everything worthwhile. Sorry if I'm overstepping boundaries, being slightly hypocritical because I'm in a similar headspace and rambling. Take care

 

[whywere]

I know you feel bad but maybe other people can see your potential as a great doctor/paramedic too and your mistakes weren't as much your fault as you think they were. Some people just deserve chances and while it may feel unfair it was their choice and responsibility to give those to you while failing other people. That's not your fault. You're obviously a really good person who wants to help others not only in your choice of possible future profession but also the fact that you want others to succeed too. The world needs more of those types of people. The good, kind people that look out for others. Life is hard, unfair, frustrating and confusing. It's filled with struggles and occasionally likes to kick you when you're down. I know you want to end things and it's ultimately your choice but always know that there's never any rush in that regard. Life can change in the blink of an eye and you're clearly intelligent and have a lot to give and there's a chance that life will have things to give you in return and reasons to make everything worthwhile. Sorry if I'm overstepping boundaries, being slightly hypocritical because I'm in a similar headspace and rambling. Take care

WELCOME to Sanctioned Suicide our new global family member!! I hope, as I have, that everyone here is AWESOME. The global family is a group of folks with some much love, caring, kindness, understanding, empathy and support, that no matter one's path in this life, one truly feels like they have come home. Again, WELCOME!! Walter ( yep real first name, 65 years young, gray hair and never phony)

 

[RealLostSoul]

Update: Okay unfortunately I will not be able to go there again to help the partner as she does it with someone else who failed. Well, that's how it is I guess. It really feels terrible to have this behind me. I have nothing left anymore now. Even my friends and parents who supported me BEFORE the final exam low key stop caring now. Some want me imprisoned in a clinic which makes me real paranoid. The last thing I'm going to is a mental hospital. My next step: grave. I am ready.

 

[whywere]

Update: Okay unfortunately I will not be able to go there again to help the partner as she does it with someone else who failed. Well, that's how it is I guess. It really feels terrible to have this behind me. I have nothing left anymore now. Even my friends and parents who supported me BEFORE the final exam low key stop caring now. Some want me imprisoned in a clinic which makes me real paranoid. The last thing I'm going to is a mental hospital. My next step: grave. I am ready.

I can fully understand where you are, I was in the same place myself, along time ago, but still the same place. and YOU have all of us here on Sanctioned Suicide to help, listen, NEVER EVER judge and be a partner with you. I have been locked up, by the state, in a physic ward in a hospital and for most of the situation, it was not a good experience for me. I did meet some awesome other people who were also patients with me and I did make some great friends, BUT the "staff" was the upmost in barking orders, and in general a lot of intimidation towards me. All of us here are 1 large and growing!! YES!!, family and we love, and care about and support each other and that includes YOU You have us here and do not think/worry about what others think or say, heck I have been there for over 40 years!! Sending you lots of hugs, love and SUPPORT. Please have a great upcoming weekend filled with lots of sunshine, beautiful blue skies and the knowledge that YOU are LOVED and CARED for here!! Walter