final details, closure, honesty (and lack of curiosity from others)

[secretghost]

Don't know what to title this but I think I might have picked a different location today, I saw something really promising and close to home but not at home which is ideal for me. When I catch the bus, I'll be just a five minute walk in the night and it's a pretty road and a pretty old location that's very quiet and is going to be demolished in the next year or so, I'm not really an experienced trespasser so I haven't made up my mind for sure to use this location over my previously chosen location (truly remote and I have more access and familiarity but it's a two hour drive).

I think tonight I might just have another glass of wine or three and walk down there and see how it feels and how I feel being there? And how it looks up close etc but I won't trespass, just a walk. Kind of an emotional rehearsal as well as scouting out the option.

It is so funny the things I feel like sharing on here. This post might just sound dumb as hell.

I also had a conversation which I didn't want to have, in which I ended up admitting suicidality and expressing to my boyfriend that I'm pretty sure I've had my last birthday. I think he was really in denial about how serious I am about it and he was afraid to maybe ask any questions because maybe he just doesn't want to hear the certain phrases that get people really swept up in a sense of responsibility-- he didn't ask me if I had a plan or a method or anything and I guess I appreciate that because I am happy I got the chance to give him this conversation without having to lie, for both of our sakes. The thing I hate most about waiting for the bus is the guilt and sense of deception of others and even self deception.

I've even reached out to friends I haven't spoken to much recently and friends I speak to all the time, in varying levels of internal coherence, just trying to have one last connection with them or make a plan to see them again etc, but the timing has worked out so that I think it won't be so. I feel a little invisible in the world but it is what it is. I'm trying to be mindful of how they'll look back on these days and I'm scared they'll feel guilty for ignoring or brushing off some things, but at the same time, it really is best for myself and for their own well-being to just not see me again or really connect with me again right before the end. I don't know.

Sorry for rambling. Feel free to share any other experience you might want, or to just chat here. I'm blessed to have people who love me so much but it is unbearably lonely to be counting down your last days.

-H

 

[DeusVult]

Why do you want to die? You didn't mention what troubles you.

 

[secretghost]

Why do you want to die? You didn't mention what troubles you.

I ended up postponing a few days before the date but it still feels rough to feel that I missed my bus. My troubles are hard for me to talk about especially to try and list them out. I have some memory issues and some dissociative problem that can make that a real confusing task, and it feels like it would probably be boring and/or similar to many other stories on here. it is kind of you to ask. I guess for why I want to die, the Big Why comes down to chronic pain and disability making day-to-day day existence intolerable and some mental conditions which comes from trauma I think which I only barely remember, and being on the spectrum, I struggle to survive in a lot of ways and I come across as pretty normal and put together on the outside but my internal experience is no longer tolerable, either. so, external world and internal world are on fire and I'm tired