Final day

[SoonToBeSoil]

I have been high on adrenaline (I think that is the right chemical?) since my last post yesterday. My attempt will be tomorrow at the crack of dawn, and the time could not pass fast enough (I think that is how the phrase goes).

Yesterday I stayed up until around 1 AM trying to finish the book I'm reading, Anna Karenina (for those who know, I assure you it is a complete coincidence, well at least not completely intentional). I read the entirety of part seven and am now on the final part. I don't have much planned for today other than that I'm going to be seeing Toy Story 5 with my sister and grandmother. I'm also going to do my laundry- I want to kill myself in the outfit I wore yesterday which was so beautiful, this small light pink shirt over a long flowy pastel green skirt with layers that my sister gave me.

All I am trying to do now is just pass the time until then when the train will come. Yesterday I went out and found the exact spot I'll be going to: about halfway between two stations, to ensure a high speed. It is also out of sight from anyone, and I can hide in the bushes as well.

My heart is racing. My brain is fully set on this. I am so happy to have figured out a plan.

In lieu of a note, I'm thinking of texting my family group chat the letter S on the morning of, short for both "suicide" and "sorry" and other things maybe as well. I don't feel particularly sorry, but I cannot refuse an opportunity to use a double entendre.

Only thing I am still uncertain about in regards to my plan is whether I will be able to rest my head on the rail. I know they're electrified and I'm not sure how far from the train I have to be in order to be electrocuted or if that will make me get up or move from the track. I guess maybe I should only put my head on the spot at the last second? That's probably what I'll do, the more I think about it. I just worry that I'd be more likely to back out in that scenario. Discounting electricity, I'd rest my head on the rail and turn away from the train as to not know when it will overtake me.

I guess that's everything.

 

[Braindead Girl]

Hope you find the peace you seek

 

[Set Real Goul]

I hope you find peace.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I hope you find peace

 

[Alexandra_]

I wish you nothing but the best. May you find peace <3

 

[darksouls]

peace and love to you, my friend

 

[FF777]

sorry to be practical here, but i don't want to see you suffer more.. you sound like you aren't even sure about the electrification exactly.. you sound kind of like you are winging it a little.. also SI (survival instinct) is VERY STRONG when it comes time to actually CTB.. things seem a lot realer than you were imagining or planning for.. i hope you don't end up injured or any thing.. if you need more time to think about things or plan things out a little more thoroughly then take that time..

 

[SoonToBeSoil]

sorry to be practical here, but i don't want to see you suffer more.. you sound like you aren't even sure about the electrification exactly.. you sound kind of like you are winging it a little.. also SI (survival instinct) is VERY STRONG when it comes time to actually CTB.. things seem a lot realer than you were imagining or planning for.. i hope you don't end up injured or any thing.. if you need more time to think about things or plan things out a little more thoroughly then take that time..

No, I definitely appreciate the concern!! I did some research, and I am pretty sure it is not electrified. Either way, I don't think it actually matters, I won't be resting my head on it.

In trying to imagine how exactly I'll be in front of the train, I have two ideas:
1. Lay or kneel with my head a few inches above the rail. The vibrations of the train coming even discounting the possible electricity I imagine would not be comfortable and could cause issues.
2. Stand in front of the train in the middle of the track with my head facing the train, as to be impacted first.

Thoughts on those 2 ideas? Or anything different?

Regarding SI- I will have many opportunities if I miss the first train, 6 opportunities in total. Surely, I'll be in front of one of those trains.

I cannot wait!!!

 

[FF777]

Thoughts on those 2 ideas?

i'm not sure about trains, but i think maybe if it has wheels then it isn't electrified? but if it doesn't have wheels then maybe it has to have electric to power it some how.. not sure where you are, but i picture the electric types of trains being outside of USA, but i don't really know and i'm just speculating..

but any way, SI is probably going to be strong and i would think you probably are going to have to actively mentally force your self to stay put.. your body is going to find it very unnatural to stay there when it senses huge danger coming..

as far as which position to be in, i really don't know what is best.. i'm picturing putting my neck on a rail some how, but not sure if i am over-simplifying that.. but one thing i thought is that you probably want to get some good foam earplugs and stick them in you ears because the train is going to be very loud and intimidating.. you will still be able to hear it and every thing even with the earplugs in, but it will reduce the super loud sounds of it a little.. i just don't want the loud sound to trigger SI easier or startle you, or like what if it decides to honk its loudass horn right next to you or some thing.. although i am a person with ear problems and sensitive ears, so maybe i'm more concerned with ear protection than most people would be..

one more thing i'll mention: recently i've found out that one way to reduce SI a little is to be very sleepy (by staying awake a long time).. like maybe more than 24+ hours or some thing like that..

oh and by the way, you say that you have many other chances if your SI kicks in.. i want to point out there that there is a risk where a person's SI kicks in when it is too late, and they try to back away really fast but still get hit, and so they are left in a state of being injured.. you don't want to find your self in that situation..

 

[SoonToBeSoil]

i'm not sure about trains, but i think maybe if it has wheels then it isn't electrified? but if it doesn't have wheels then maybe it has to have electric to power it some how.. not sure where you are, but i picture the electric types of trains being outside of USA, but i don't really know and i'm just speculating..

but any way, SI is probably going to be strong and i would think you probably are going to have to actively mentally force your self to stay put.. your body is going to find it very unnatural to stay there when it senses huge danger coming..

as far as which position to be in, i really don't know what is best.. i'm picturing putting my neck on a rail some how, but not sure if i am over-simplifying that.. but one thing i thought is that you probably want to get some good foam earplugs and stick them in you ears because the train is going to be very loud and intimidating.. you will still be able to hear it and every thing even with the earplugs in, but it will reduce the super loud sounds of it a little.. i just don't want the loud sound to trigger SI easier or startle you, or like what if it decides to honk its loudass horn right next to you or some thing.. although i am a person with ear problems and sensitive ears, so maybe i'm more concerned with ear protection than most people would be..

one more thing i'll mention: recently i've found out that one way to reduce SI a little is to be very sleepy (by staying awake a long time).. like maybe more than 24+ hours or some thing like that..

oh and by the way, you say that you have many other chances if your SI kicks in.. i want to point out there that there is a risk where a person's SI kicks in when it is too late, and they try to back away really fast but still get hit, and so they are left in a state of being injured.. you don't want to find your self in that situation..

Thank you. I'll try that with my ears. I don't have foam so I'll probably use a little bit of a paper towel and see how that goes. I'll also stay up all night. That'll be over 24 hours since I woke up at 4:59 am today

 

[sadbh]

i'm not sure about trains, but i think maybe if it has wheels then it isn't electrified? but if it doesn't have wheels then maybe it has to have electric to power it some how.. not sure where you are, but i picture the electric types of trains being outside of USA, but i don't really know and i'm just speculating..

but any way, SI is probably going to be strong and i would think you probably are going to have to actively mentally force your self to stay put.. your body is going to find it very unnatural to stay there when it senses huge danger coming..

as far as which position to be in, i really don't know what is best.. i'm picturing putting my neck on a rail some how, but not sure if i am over-simplifying that.. but one thing i thought is that you probably want to get some good foam earplugs and stick them in you ears because the train is going to be very loud and intimidating.. you will still be able to hear it and every thing even with the earplugs in, but it will reduce the super loud sounds of it a little.. i just don't want the loud sound to trigger SI easier or startle you, or like what if it decides to honk its loudass horn right next to you or some thing.. although i am a person with ear problems and sensitive ears, so maybe i'm more concerned with ear protection than most people would be..

one more thing i'll mention: recently i've found out that one way to reduce SI a little is to be very sleepy (by staying awake a long time).. like maybe more than 24+ hours or some thing like that..

oh and by the way, you say that you have many other chances if your SI kicks in.. i want to point out there that there is a risk where a person's SI kicks in when it is too late, and they try to back away really fast but still get hit, and so they are left in a state of being injured.. you don't want to find your self in that situation..

You make a lot of good points about addressing SI, especially the bit about being sleepy. I find that I'm more suicidal when I'm very tired too.

 

[CowardlyLies]

May you find peace