Help Tips for dealing with domestic abuse

[iwantangels]

I am unfortunately stuck in an abusive household, and until I am able to secure housing elsewhere and escape permanently, I have to hold on and endure it for a bit longer. I'm trying to get out as soon as possible but I will be lucky if I can flee within the next 5 months.

Parent is abusive, I do not think I am in any immediate danger of being physically abused as of now. The situation is in a complicated spot, and fleeing too early can easily screw up my plans of escaping for good. I'm just trying to cope.

If anyone has any tips for staying strong or anything else to share, I would be grateful.

 

[stupid trans guy]

Make sure you have a kit if u get injured or some tylenol or smthn or somewhere to run if things get really bad, also if theres yelling headphones, and extra locks on your door(s) or anything that could secure it more, and depending on ur situation pepper spray/taser could be helpful

Sorry if i didnt help, i have no idea how hard this must be for you, i only know friends experiences

Make sure you have a kit if u get injured or some tylenol or smthn or somewhere to run if things get really bad, also if theres yelling headphones, and extra locks on your door(s) or anything that could secure it more, and depending on ur situation pepper spray/taser could be helpful

Sorry if i didnt help, i have no idea how hard this must be for you, i only know friends experiences

Also trying to get out of the house ss much as possible, maybe volunteering/working somewhere, hanging out w someone, taking a walk

Also if there are agressers such as maybe a untidy room, try to minimize the common aggressors, (keeping your room clean, or stuffing things under ur bed, doing dishes as quick as u can, etc) i hope ur able to leave soon, stay strong

 

[MissAbyss]

Are you familiar with the Grey Rock method? If not, it might be worth looking into. It may help you keep some emotional distance and de-escalate certain interactions while you're still there. Just be careful with it, though, because every abusive person reacts differently. If you notice that being more distant or unresponsive makes things escalate, prioritize whatever feels safest for you instead. Keep your plans and anything related to leaving as private and secure as you can.

Take good care of yourself, and I'm wishing you lots of strength through all of this.

 

[iwantangels]

Are you familiar with the Grey Rock method? If not, it might be worth looking into. It may help you keep some emotional distance and de-escalate certain interactions while you're still there. Just be careful with it, though, because every abusive person reacts differently. If you notice that being more distant or unresponsive makes things escalate, prioritize whatever feels safest for you instead. Keep your plans and anything related to leaving as private and secure as you can.

Take good care of yourself, and I'm wishing you lots of strength through all of this.

I have heard of it. I've been using it in some situations, but recently being absent and out of the way has caused the abuser to be offended and is escalating. It is stressful because my parent is very unpredictable and I have no way of knowing what might happen. Not a single day goes by where I am not scared or anxious.

 

[RazzleDazzle]

Are you familiar with the Grey Rock method? If not, it might be worth looking into. It may help you keep some emotional distance and de-escalate certain interactions while you're still there. Just be careful with it, though, because every abusive person reacts differently.

I also came to suggest the Grey Rock method.

There is an enormous toll that comes from living with abuse you can't escape from. That is very real. I just want to validate what you're going through. When I've been in situations where I had to deal with abuse, part of me got so used to just taking it and dealing with it, and that helped me survive in the moment, but it led to a lot of damage later.

If you can find spaces where you feel valued and loved, friendships, hobbies, interests, a fantasy life in your head. Anywhere you feel free and capable and worthwhile and loved, hold onto that. Don't let your abuser know how much it matters to you or they might try and use it against you or twist it against you in some way. But just something secret that feels good, even if it's little plans or dreams you have for yourself.

Fantasy and escape can help. Music, books, games. Whatever you have to do to survive. Mental imagery might help, if your brain works that way. Picturing yourself with armor and a sword and a shield. Stuff like that.

 

[MissAbyss]

I have heard of it. I've been using it in some situations, but recently being absent and out of the way has caused the abuser to be offended and is escalating. It is stressful because my parent is very unpredictable and I have no way of knowing what might happen. Not a single day goes by where I am not scared or anxious.

Then I honestly wouldn't keep forcing the "Grey Rock" approach if you can already see that it's making things worse. Sometimes being too distant or unavailable can make an abusive person feel like they're losing control, and that can lead to more escalation. In that kind of situation, it may be safer to stay somewhat engaged, but keep it low-key and emotionally neutral.

Try to be predictable rather than invisible. Short, normal responses like "okay," "yeah," "I see," or just some everyday conversation might draw less attention than obviously avoiding them. You don't have to convince them of anything, correct every unfair accusation, or get them to understand your side.

If you can, try not to get pulled into JADE (justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining). With someone abusive, explaining yourself often doesn't actually resolve anything. Sometimes it just gives them more things to argue with.

And if appeasing them sometimes keeps things calmer, that's okay. You don't have to prove a point while you're still stuck living there. Agreeing on the surface, changing the subject, apologizing just to end the situation, or acting a little more cheerful than you feel can be ways of keeping yourself safe. It doesn't mean you actually agree with them.

I'd also really encourage you, if you haven't already, to have at least one person outside the house who knows that things are difficult right now. They don't need to know every detail. Just having someone you can reach out to when things feel overwhelming can make a huge difference. You could even agree on a simple code word that means, "call me," "come and get me," or "call emergency services."

The unpredictability is probably one of the worst parts, because it makes you feel like you have to constantly watch their mood. Since you probably can't predict them, it may help to focus more on making your own response predictable.

Have a few simple rules for yourself. If their mood starts changing, don't argue. If they become intimidating, try to move somewhere safer or somewhere you can leave easily. If something starts feeling seriously wrong, contact someone you trust or leave if you safely can. Having a plan beforehand means you don't have to figure everything out while you're already scared.

Keep your important things organized, keep your phone charged, and know where you could go if you suddenly needed to leave. The goal is to make a stressful situation require as few decisions as possible.

And as difficult as it is, try not to spend every hour trying to predict what mood they'll be in. Pay attention when you actually notice warning signs, but otherwise try to keep your focus on your own life and your plan to get out. You don't need to predict them perfectly. You just need to know what you'll do if things start escalating.

Also, give yourself whatever small breaks you can get. Living on edge every day is exhausting. Going outside, work or school, music, games, exercise, reading, talking to friends, or anything else that gives your brain a little time away from monitoring them can genuinely help.

Most of all, don't put pressure on yourself to find the perfect way to deal with them. There probably isn't one. If they are unpredictable, what works one day might not work the next. The goal right now is simply to get through this period as safely as you can, protect your energy and your plans, and keep moving toward the point where you can leave.

 

[iwantangels]

Then I honestly wouldn't keep forcing the "Grey Rock" approach if you can already see that it's making things worse. Sometimes being too distant or unavailable can make an abusive person feel like they're losing control, and that can lead to more escalation. In that kind of situation, it may be safer to stay somewhat engaged, but keep it low-key and emotionally neutral.

Try to be predictable rather than invisible. Short, normal responses like "okay," "yeah," "I see," or just some everyday conversation might draw less attention than obviously avoiding them. You don't have to convince them of anything, correct every unfair accusation, or get them to understand your side.

If you can, try not to get pulled into JADE (justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining). With someone abusive, explaining yourself often doesn't actually resolve anything. Sometimes it just gives them more things to argue with.

And if appeasing them sometimes keeps things calmer, that's okay. You don't have to prove a point while you're still stuck living there. Agreeing on the surface, changing the subject, apologizing just to end the situation, or acting a little more cheerful than you feel can be ways of keeping yourself safe. It doesn't mean you actually agree with them.

I'd also really encourage you, if you haven't already, to have at least one person outside the house who knows that things are difficult right now. They don't need to know every detail. Just having someone you can reach out to when things feel overwhelming can make a huge difference. You could even agree on a simple code word that means, "call me," "come and get me," or "call emergency services."

The unpredictability is probably one of the worst parts, because it makes you feel like you have to constantly watch their mood. Since you probably can't predict them, it may help to focus more on making your own response predictable.

Have a few simple rules for yourself. If their mood starts changing, don't argue. If they become intimidating, try to move somewhere safer or somewhere you can leave easily. If something starts feeling seriously wrong, contact someone you trust or leave if you safely can. Having a plan beforehand means you don't have to figure everything out while you're already scared.

Keep your important things organized, keep your phone charged, and know where you could go if you suddenly needed to leave. The goal is to make a stressful situation require as few decisions as possible.

And as difficult as it is, try not to spend every hour trying to predict what mood they'll be in. Pay attention when you actually notice warning signs, but otherwise try to keep your focus on your own life and your plan to get out. You don't need to predict them perfectly. You just need to know what you'll do if things start escalating.

Also, give yourself whatever small breaks you can get. Living on edge every day is exhausting. Going outside, work or school, music, games, exercise, reading, talking to friends, or anything else that gives your brain a little time away from monitoring them can genuinely help.

Most of all, don't put pressure on yourself to find the perfect way to deal with them. There probably isn't one. If they are unpredictable, what works one day might not work the next. The goal right now is simply to get through this period as safely as you can, protect your energy and your plans, and keep moving toward the point where you can leave.

Thank you. This is all very helpful.
It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about the fact that I might just have to start rolling over and taking it. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for it in the future. It feels violating to just let it happen, and I'd honestly rather cut my tongue out of my mouth than constantly apologize for 'being a horrible person' or whatever else this parent thinks I did wrong. It's almost like I'm just accepting that about myself as if it were true.
I can only hope that once I'm able to get out of here, I'll have the opportunity to finally say everything I've been keeping quiet about. I don't believe that revenge is the best way of dealing with things, but I really want this person to know how much of a disgusting person they are before I cut them out of my life permanently. Maybe then I'll be able to properly move on.

 

[MissAbyss]

Thank you. This is all very helpful.
It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about the fact that I might just have to start rolling over and taking it. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for it in the future. It feels violating to just let it happen, and I'd honestly rather cut my tongue out of my mouth than constantly apologize for 'being a horrible person' or whatever else this parent thinks I did wrong. It's almost like I'm just accepting that about myself as if it were true.
I can only hope that once I'm able to get out of here, I'll have the opportunity to finally say everything I've been keeping quiet about. I don't believe that revenge is the best way of dealing with things, but I really want this person to know how much of a disgusting person they are before I cut them out of my life permanently. Maybe then I'll be able to properly move on.

I really understand why this feels so deeply wrong to you. Having to stay quiet, back down, apologize, or act as if someone's accusations don't affect you can feel incredibly violating, especially when every part of you wants to say, "No, this is not true, and this is not who I am."

But I really hope you can be gentle with yourself about this. You are in a situation where you are having to make choices under pressure, fear and dependency. That changes everything. Doing what you need to do to get through the next few months safely does not mean you are agreeing with them, surrendering your identity, or admitting that their version of you is true.

There is a huge difference between believing something and temporarily saying or doing something because you are trying to protect yourself. Sometimes survival looks dignified and strong from the outside, and sometimes it looks like keeping quiet when you want to scream, apologizing when you know you did nothing wrong, or letting someone think they have "won" because challenging them would only make things worse. None of that changes what you know inside yourself.

What makes this especially painful is that this is your parent. A parent is supposed to be one of the people who teaches you what love, safety, acceptance and protection feel like. When the person who was supposed to provide those things becomes the source of fear instead, it touches something very deep. Whatever reasons there may be for why your parent became this way, those reasons can wait. You do not need to understand them right now in order to justify protecting yourself.

For these next few months, I think your priority has to be you. Not fixing them, not making them understand, not proving who is right, and not finally saying the perfect thing that makes them see what they have done. Just getting yourself through this period as safely and steadily as you can, so that you can leave in a way that gives you the best chance of staying gone.

And please keep reminding yourself that the things they say about you are not the same thing as the truth about you. People who are deeply unhappy, unstable, controlling or abusive can project so much of what they cannot face in themselves onto someone else. Their anger, accusations, shame, resentment or distorted view of you can become something they repeatedly hand to you as if it belongs to you.

It does not.

One of the most important things later may be learning to separate what is truly yours from what was placed on you by someone else. Their voice may have been loud for a long time, but it does not have to become your inner voice.

And I think part of healing will eventually be learning to give yourself what your parent failed to give you: kindness, safety, acceptance, reassurance, protection and care. You may have spent years directing so much of your attention toward them; their moods, their reactions, their needs, their anger, what might set them off, what you should say, what you should avoid. That is an enormous amount of energy to spend orbiting another person.

When you are finally out, you will slowly get to bring that attention back home to yourself.

Getting physically out of the house will already be such an important part of the battle, because you will no longer be living inside the source of the stress every day. But I also want to prepare you gently for the possibility that once you are safe, a lot may begin to sink in.

Sometimes while you are still inside a situation like this, your mind is mainly focused on getting through the day. There may not be much space to fully feel what is happening. Once you are out and your body finally starts to realize that it does not have to be on alert all the time, you may suddenly begin to understand the weight of what you lived through.

That can be painful, but it can also be the beginning of processing it rather than simply surviving it.

If you have the possibility later, I really think it could help to speak with a therapist or counselor who understands domestic abuse, trauma or difficult family dynamics. A support group can also be very valuable. There is something powerful about being around people who do not need to be convinced that what happened mattered, because they understand the patterns themselves. Being believed and recognized can be incredibly healing.

And regarding the part of you that wants your parent to know exactly what they have done to you, I understand that too. Wanting them to finally hear the truth is not the same thing as being consumed by revenge. After being silenced for so long, it makes sense that there is a part of you that desperately wants your voice back. As for whether you eventually tell your parent everything you have been holding back, I think that is something you can decide once you are safely out and have had some time to recover. Maybe one day you might decide you want to confront them. You might write them a letter because that gives you more control and distance. You might write a letter and never send it. Or you might eventually decide that cutting contact without explaining yourself is what gives you the most peace. There isn't one morally correct choice here.

The important thing is that you don't have to make that decision now. Right now, your energy is better spent on yourself and on your plan to leave. You can decide what they deserve to hear later, when they no longer have control over your housing or your safety.

So for now, please don't judge yourself for doing what you need to do. If you have to stay quiet, let something go, apologize when you do not mean it, or act more agreeable than you feel, that does not mean they have convinced you. It does not mean they were right about you. It does not mean you have betrayed yourself.

It means you are trying to get yourself to the other side of this.

And when you do get out, I hope you slowly start giving your energy back to yourself. Think about the smallest things too, having a room where nobody is monitoring your mood, being able to come home without wondering what version of someone is waiting for you, choosing what you want to eat, when you want to sleep, who you want around you, how quiet you want your evening to be.

Those things may sound ordinary, but after living like this, ordinary can feel incredibly precious.

Most of all, please treat yourself with as much compassion as you can. You have already spent enough time being judged, blamed and made to feel wrong. You do not need to become another person doing that to yourself.

For now, just keep moving toward your way out. You do not have to solve your whole life yet. You only need to protect yourself, keep your plans intact, and get through these next months one piece at a time.

If you ever want to ask something else or just need someone to talk something through with, you are always welcome to reach out.

 

[iwantangels]

Might as well update here if it keeps me sane. Streak of bad luck is still going strong. Now added to the list of stupid bullshit my parent overreacts over.. I was cooking soup in the kitchen this morning, quietly, cleaned up after myself, but I didn't turn the fan on, so now he is super pissed that the house kinda smells like soup. Literally listening to him stomp around downstairs like a child right now as I write this. Its actually embarrassing living here, but what I hate the most is that he is the kind of person that will never be able to reflect on himself. If I ever am able to get out of here and tell him my honest thoughts about him, he would not feel bad, he would not consider that he might be the problem, and he would not take accountability. He will just be shocked that I am "lashing out", and being an "ungrateful little asshole", or something along those lines. There is nothing I can do to make him understand how much of a truly horrible person he is and I'm not entirely sure how to feel nothing over it.